Breaking the Barrier
by SufferMyDesire
Summary: Dying is easy. Life is suffering. Joker battles his demons and Shepard copes with her resurrection as they both struggle with learning how to live again. In the midst of their turmoil, can two broken souls find peace in each other before being sought out by a fate worse than death? fShepxJoker OOC AU. Post ME2.
1. Chapter 1

**Angst, angst, and more angst. This fic is marked angst for a reason, people. Srsly. You've been warned.**

**Also - if reading sex scenes makes you uncomfortable, I'll tell you now: there _will_ be smut later. ****It's not explicitly descriptive, but it is sex. ****Chapters containing sexual content will _not_ have NSFW warnings and the entire story is marked as mature.**

_**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Mass Effect © BioWare._

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><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

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><p>The shifting of cloth against leather accompanied by muttered words of discomfort was the only indication of life on the nearly barren Normandy SR-2. Gone were the sounds of fingertips busily tapping away at control panels and muffled voices conversing quietly in the background, leaving only the thrum of the ships inner workings to fill the void. Any other time the silence would be a welcome reprieve from the bustle of the crew, but now it was simply eerie; disquieting evidence of what had transpired while the fighting force was off ship.<p>

Joker had been sitting rigidly in his pilots seat, hugging his arms around his torso as if it would somehow relieve the sharp pain he felt with each breath. He figured he had cracked a rib or two when the shock of the pulse from the engine core EDI had triggered sent him hurtling into the nearby railing. Without Dr. Chakwas aboard to force him into getting treated he would remain in pain, too proud to ask the salarian doctor for help, even if he needed it. Pain he could handle. Guilt, not so much.

It was déjà vu. The attack had taken him right back to their first encounter with the Collectors. They had no warning either time. Joker berated himself for not being faster to take the ship and its inhabitants out of the enemy's reach; for allowing the staff whose only chance of escape was through him to be stolen away. It hadn't been the first time his physical disadvantage had come into play causing others to lose their lives, and the guilt he felt was stifling.

With nothing to do but wait for the assault team to return from yet another distress call he succumbed to his exhaustion. Sleep offered no solace as his mind drifted back through the years, and he was in the escape pod again.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Two years previous...<strong>_

Aside from his ragged breathing it was desperately silent. He was utterly alone. The sight of his commanding officer floating further and further away from his reach and the promise of safety that the life pod offered clung to his vision, causing him to stare blindly ahead, mouth agape as he sat in disbelief running over the last few moments again and again.

The last thing he saw before the hatch shut in his face were widened, panic stricken eyes - the only feature visible through her helmet - now emblazoned in his mind. But she would be okay. She would pull herself through the debris to another pod, he told himself. If she were to die it would be in a blaze of fiery hell from an unstoppable army of overwhelming power coming at her head on.

Not like this.

Not by the indifferent vacuum of space.

Then an explosion rocked the capsule as it shot away from the remains of the ship he had so adamantly refused to abandon, and his denials turned into realizations. She was gone... and it was his fault.

When his pod - the last to be retrieved - had finally been recovered by a passing cargo hauler, Dr. Chakwas was the first to greet him. Her mouth set into a grim line as she took note of the vessel's interior and it's sole inhabitant whose troubled eyes mirrored her own.

Kaidan Alenko quickly appeared at her side.

"Shepard?" He inquired, voice hoarse and laced with worry, begging for an answer that Joker desperately wanted to give but couldn't.

He shook his head in response, and any trace of hope in Kaidan's expression disappeared as the man shut his eyes.

"She went back for you."

"Yes." Joker said grimly.

"You refused to abandon ship."

"Yes."

Kaidan opened his eyes, narrowing them. "She went _back_. For _you_."

"I know," Joker whispered.

"_You_..." He seethed, voice low and accusatory, as if Joker had killed the commander with his own hands.

There was a shift in the air around them - a static prickling. Tendrils of biotic energy seeped from the Marine's eyes as they bore into the pilot's, jaw clenching and hands tightening into fists of swirling blue energy.

"Kaidan..." Dr. Chakwas warned.

Joker's eyes begged him for understanding. "I'm so sor-"

"Kaidan! No!" A scream from the doctor.

He jumped in his seat as the sentinel roared, charging and wrenching him from the bench to toss him out into the crowd that had begun to form around the pod.

He cried out, landing against Dr. Chakwas and sending them both tumbling to the deck, a blinding pain shooting through his left arm that had collided with the capsule hatch when he was so roughly yanked out by angry hands. A flurry of bodies and shouting surrounded him as he grit his teeth, groaning in agony.

Joker fell back again from a burst of pressure against his cheek. Realizing what had happened he was sure he would have suffered more than the quickly swelling bruise where Alenko's fist landed if Liara hadn't pushed the furious man away at the last moment, causing him to stagger and miss a square blow to the face.

He sat up, working his jaw and cradling his arm as Dr. Chakwas checked over him. He watched as Kaidan sank down, defeated, letting out pitiful choked sobs at the loss of his lover, Liara comforting him and shedding silent tears of her own.

He hadn't meant for this to happen. He tried to save the ship. He tried to move as fast as he was able. He tried to reach for her. None of it was enough.

As Kaidan in fell apart for all to see, Joker stared off blankly, despondent numbness blanketing his senses. Where Kaidan's emotions were running over, his had shut off completely.

* * *

><p>The private memorial service held at the Systems Alliance capital of Arcturus a few weeks later would not be much better. He had been dreading the event. It would be the first time he would see the surviving crew since the attack.<p>

With the Normandy investigation finally over he would be reassigned and no longer have to find ways to fill the too long hours that allowed his mind to entertain dark memories. He relished the thought of getting back into the pilot seat and yielding his thoughts over to status updates, jump calculations and tactical maneuvers.

Waking draped in sweaty sheets that were clenched tightly in his fists, he stared up at his ceiling, gasping for breath and trying to shake off the remnants of his distressed slumber. Once calmed, he looked over to the nightstand. It was four in the morning. He wouldn't be getting any more sleep this night, and the day ahead was going to be busy.

Crutches leaning against the counter next to him and braces in place on his bare legs Joker hovered over the bathroom sink, a mound of facial hair mixed with shaving cream piled into the basin. Blood from the nick on his chin dripped down and plopped on the top like a gross garnish. Wiping the blood away he turned on the faucet to rinse his face and clean the sink, using his finger to shove resistant clumps of hair down the drain.

A visitor notification chime had him peeking out the doorway of his bedroom to see Dr. Chakwas stepping carefully around his messy living area, inspecting empty tubes of alcohol and food containers. She frowned as she sniffed warily at the contents of one questionable half eaten box.

"Today's breakfast." Joker informed her.

She looked up at him from across the room. "You should really refrigerate this. Bacteria grows at an alarming rate." Glancing around, she added: "Though I'm not sure one carton of noodles would pose any more threat to your health than the rest of this apartment."

"I'll clean it up later," he called out, heading to the closet to retrieve his uniform.

"So you've said."

As he dressed he could hear the crinkling of plastic and the musical sound of bottles clinking against each other. She had begun checking up on him every few days since having found him passed out on his living room floor next to a puddle of his own vomit.

After cleaning him up and helping him to his bed she had sat watching over him, holding his hand and stroking his forehead - the only person he allowed to touch him affectionately other than his own mother who had died years ago. When he rubbed his heavy eyes he had felt wetness from tears he hadn't even realized were there. The walls he had built up throughout his life began to waver, and he scrunched his eyes closed tightly, breathing steadily through his nose until the barrier was back in place.

Each visit followed the same routine. Check his arm. Tidy the mess. Remind him of his Vrolik's treatments. Tell him to take care of himself. Advise him not to worry about the outcome of his non-judicial punishment for disregarding the abandon ship order. It was pointless - nothing changed. The next week would only bring more of the same, but he indulged her mothering. It was the least he could offer her.

He looked at himself in the mirror as he buttoned the crisp blue coat of his dress uniform, dissatisfied with what he saw. Gaunt cheeks seemed even more hollow with no beard to disguise them. Dark circles under his eyes were exposed without the shadow of a cap. The paleness of his skin took on a sickly palor in the poor lighting of his tiny apartment.

"Heinous," he muttered to his reflection. He didn't need a mirror to know he looked like shit - he felt it acutely enough with every hangover and sleepless night to know his appearance had suffered.

With a sigh, he set his cover atop his head, grabbed his crutches, and joined the doctor.

She smiled and nodded as she regarded him, straightening the medals against his chest. "Ready?"

"I guess."

* * *

><p>Tugging at the stifling collar of his uniform he looked across the backs of the chairs in front of him. Admiral Hackett and Captain Anderson were among those in the row of Alliance Naval and Marine Officers in monotonous Full Dress Blues there to pay tribute to the life of the late Lieutenant Commander Shepard.<p>

Beside him, the doctor and the Normandy's commissioned officers. To the rear sat the enlisted staff. Missing were the extraterrestrials Liara, Garrus, Tali, and Wrex. The official word was all were either engaged in business of their own or out of contact altogether. He knew the Alliance brass didn't particularly care for alien appearances at a human military station. He was sure under the circumstances of Shepard's death his absence would not have been missed either.

He had been resolved in the fact that she had given her life to save his, though he was anything but grateful. In saving him she had simultaneously burdened him with the guilt of being the reason the Savior of the Citadel had died. The first human Spectre killed because her pilot was a stubborn weakling who couldn't save himself.

He might be the best pilot in the Alliance but his life was expendable compared to hers, and when she made the choice to go back for him through the wreckage she placed every life in the galaxy at risk along with her own, because the Reapers were out there and she was the only one who would stop them. It was easier to be angry at her than to mourn her.

It was even more manageable to get drunk and feel nothing at all.

Joker listened with disdain at the speeches being given. They were nothing but creative words used to paint a pretty picture, an ideal image presented by the higher ups to describe a woman they knew only by reputation. He stopped listening after a while and the rest of the service went by in a blur.

A squeeze of his arm startled him to awareness. Dr. Chakwas offered him a small smile as she tugged him toward a table of refreshments. He walked a few feet further to the open bar.

"Elasa. Neat," he ordered. Looking back over his shoulder he saw Dr. Chakwas giving him a disapproving look. "What?" He said sharply. She pursed her lips and turned away, shaking her head.

He sighed and closed his eyes as the citrus liquor slid down his throat. Nursing his drink he surveyed the crowd, bristling and nearly choking at the sound of a familiar voice.

"Doctor. Good to see you."

"And you as well, Kaidan."

Recovering, Joker turned to face his former crew mate who looked past Dr. Chakwas, nodding in greeting.

"Joker."

"Alenko," he returned.

"I almost didn't recognize you without the beard."

Joker grunted. "What, the crutches gave me away?"

Kaidan smiled without mirth. He ducked his head and touched the doctor's arm. "Would you excuse me?" She nodded and stepped away as Kaidan walked over to the bar. "Whiskey. On the rocks, please."

They stood there in uncomfortable silence, looking around at nothing in particular as conversation eluded them. Downing the rest of his drink in a mouthful Joker set his glass down and scanned over the crowd, stopping at the stage. Flowers adorned a picture there. Serious eyes stared back at him, though two dimensional and unseeing. He looked away.

"How's the arm?" Kaidan asked.

"Fine now," he shrugged. "I've had worse."

"Look... About what happened." Joker peered over at him, and the expression he saw there wasn't just somber, it was gravely so. Worn. Weary. Aged. Like his own. "When I realized she wasn't there - she wasn't going to-" Kaidan paused, taking a sharp breath, looking haunted as his eyes unfocused, recalling the incident. "I lost control."

"Can't say I blame you," Joker muttered.

"There's no excuse. I could have killed you," he said, shaking his head. "Can you forgive me?"

"You're not the one who should be asking forgiveness." The ensuing silence told him he was right, and he sighed, having had enough of the exchange. "I gotta get goin'." Grabbing tightly to his crutches he maneuvered around to leave.

"Right," Kaidan said quietly. "Goodbye, Joker."

"Yeah. Bye."

As he weaved through clusters of people the group of Marines who had been under Alenko's command hushed their conversation, scrutinizing him with searing glares. As he passed one sneered at his back.

"Gimp ass motherfucker."

Joker's steps wavered momentarily and he briefly considering using a crutch to strike the man in the throat, but four angry Marines to contend with wouldn't bode well for him, so he continued towards the exit of the building, loathing everyone - loathing himself. If he was lucky he would never have to see any of these people again, but luck had never been very kind to him; he had had to fight tooth and nail for everything he had ever gained.

Chancing one last look behind him, he again caught the gaze of the flower lined photograph. Blank eyes looked back at him, unmoving, unreal, and so calm compared to when he last saw them, but he knew he would see them again, as he had so many nights before.

"See ya, Shepard," he whispered.

* * *

><p>The minor physical ailments he suffered from the incident had long since healed, but the raw ache of what he felt he had caused ate away at his very being. Extreme survivors guilt plagued him incessantly, and upon re-assignment fury combined with his depression. The NJP resulted in clipped wings and found him instructing at the Systems Alliance Flight Academy on Arcturus Station for the remainder of his military term. He would not be re-enlisting.<p>

Shortly after resigning from what was supposed to be a lifelong career he was unemployed and a regular at one of the many bars on Arcturus, drinking more than was wise for a man who could break both legs taking a sober tumble walking home, never mind a drunken one.

It was days after the first year anniversary of Shepard's death that he was found drinking himself into a stupor, drowning in self-pity and wallowing in contrition.

An auburn haired beauty had been eyeing him for the past half hour. He waited one more drink before acknowledging her, lifting his chin to her when he caught her gaze. The woman smiled and picked up her drink, sauntering down the bar to where he sat and taking the seat next to him.

Joker wondered briefly if she was only interested because she recognized him - not that he minded. After his beard had grown back in it wasn't uncommon for him to be recognized in public since the Normandy crew news feature from the Saren mission had re-aired, and in the past few months he had used the notoriety to his advantage. The crutches at his side used to be an effective deterrent, but the women he bedded were able to look past flaws when it came to being seen with a public figure of elevated prominence.

If the Council and Alliance had made public the facts about the Normandy and Shepard's destruction he knew he would have been ostracized and looked upon with repulsion. No one knew the truth, save for those who had been there and those who had been reported to. On days when the remorse of knowing what a fraud he was didn't get to him, he took what he could get, finding temporary comfort in meaningless interactions in the dark of his bedroom. Most of the time, however, he simply wished to be left to his misery.

The woman sat facing him, legs crossed and hand resting on the bare knee exposed from the hip high slit in her floor length dress.

"Hi," she cooed.

He looked her up and down before responding. "Hi yourself."

"I'm Anastasia," she introduced herself.

"That's a beautiful name, Anastasia."

She giggled. "You know, you look familiar."

"Oh, do I?" He played, downing the remainder of his drink and knocking the empty glass on the bar top to order what was to be his fifth.

"Yeah. You're Jeff Moreau, right?" She said, placing a hand on his knee. He raised an eyebrow at her, looking from her face to her hand and back again.

"Guilty as charged," he confessed. She smiled, leaning closer to him, smelling sickly sweet like the pink drink she held.

The lovely Anastasia might have been a welcome distraction if he could grasp onto anything other than melancholy. Had it been any other night he would have smooth-talked her back to his apartment in the residential district, but his thoughts had been festering for hours and the only woman on his mind was long dead.

He lamented at his disenchantment with the redhead and tended to his new drink, glowering.

"So, you're a bad ass pilot, huh?"

"I used to be," he muttered, taking a long swill of the pale blue liquid in his glass.

"Hm?"

He cleared his throat and spoke up. "Yeah, I was a pilot for a while."

"So..." The girl slid her hand up his thigh, dangerously high, leaning in so close that her breath was hot against his ear. "This must be your joystick?"

_How original, _he thought as he rolled his eyes. He really wasn't in the mood for this.

"Yeah. Is that your cockpit?"

The girl pulled her hand away and scoffed. "Screw you."

"Thanks for the offer, but I'll have to pass." He ignored her as she stood and walked away, turning his attention back to the drink in his hands.

A rich, baritone laugh sounded across the bar from him. "Oh man. I would become a pilot just to use that line."

The corner of Joker's mouth twitched in an almost smirk. If he wasn't in such a rotten mood he would feel bad for being so rude to the girl. As it stood, he really couldn't find it in himself to care.

"Thought of that one a while back," he admitted.

The man slid over a few seats and offered his hand, smiling. "Taylor." When Joker merely sat there he pulled his hand back. "Okay. Not a hand shaker."

"Not a people person," he corrected.

"I hear you. Working in the Alliance tends to do drive people to lose faith in each other."

"What?"

"I was in the Alliance for a while. Worked with the Corsairs and fought at Eden Prime. After a while I got sick of serving the ineffectual bureaucracy of the politicians."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Politics, man," he exclaimed. "Bureaucratic bullshit. Hidden agendas, personal interests and miles of red tape."

Joker's patience was waning. "Look, I really don't come here for conversation, alright?"

"No, you come here to forget about all the shit the Alliance put you through. Waste of talent if you ask me." He shook his head before continuing. "A pilot of your skill should be working for people who recognize and appreciate your capabilities."

Joker turned to him, annoyed. "Jesus, man. What the hell are you getting at?"

He leaned over, lowering his voice. "My employer has been eying you, Mr. Moreau. We'd like very much for you to consider accepting a pilot position for a mission of the utmost importance. We're talking saving the galaxy. We're talking Reapers."

The word immediately sobered him. "Who did you say you were, again?"

The man smiled. "Jacob Taylor. Cerberus Security."

The Alliance black-ops organization gone rogue was classified as a terrorist group which was more than a little off putting, and he had heard the old crew talking about twisted experiments with creepers and Admiral Kohaku to decide for himself that they were a shady bunch, but as Jacob droned on about the importance of looking out for humanity's best interests, advancement in the galactic community, and protecting their own against threats when the Council races refused to Joker's own considerations began popping into view.

The Normandy team had been betrayed by the Alliance, and he had been stripped of his passion. Perhaps it was the punishment he deserved for being responsible for the demise of humanity's most prized asset. Even so, he felt he owed them nothing. Then here comes Cerberus, acknowledging his expertise and seeking him out to offer him the opportunity to do what he loved while fighting the battle that everyone else denied even existed.

The Alliance could kiss his ass, sure, but did he really want to join _Cerberus_?

Hell yes, he did, he decided when Jacob sweetened the deal. He would be provided skeletal support and enhancement surgery at no cost to him, and with it he'd no longer need the aid of crutches and braces to walk. The chance to fly and walk on his own sounded too good to be true, but if it was for real then who was he to turn down such an offer.

* * *

><p>The next day Joker accompanied Jacob to their base of operations to iron out the details, and there he held conference with Operative Miranda Lawson, a woman with a femme fatale appearance and little patience for his sarcasm. She informed him that he had been hand picked personally by his mysterious new boss, the Illusive Man, and told him about his assignment to the Lazarus cell, which Miranda was the head of.<p>

What he heard next shocked him to his core. Miranda and her team were tasked with bringing Commander Shepard back to life. Rebuilding her to put her back on the battlefront on Cerberus' terms.

His hands tightened on the grips of his crutches, and words of disbelief and contempt for the game he was sure was being played on him flew from his mouth. Miranda and Jacob attempted to quell his anger by showing him to the medical facility.

From a viewing window they looked in on a surgical room. There, on a metal slab, lay the body of what could only be described of as a corpse... but it was breathing. Connected to tubes, wires, machines and monitors, limbs set in braces and frames. Gruesome lacerations covered the arms, legs and torso of the woman, unnatural orange light peeking out through the jagged injuries.

Whatever person they had found and stitched together was barely recognizable in this state. It could be anyone. Plastic surgery could do amazing things. He refused to believe what they were presenting.

"Expanding your creeper experiments to sick recruitment tactics now?" He curled his lip in disgust. "You're all fucking whacked. I want no part of this."

"Mr. Moreau, I assure you that that _is_ Commander Shepard." Miranda called after him as he began to walk away. "We went through great measures to recover her body, and are working tirelessly to ensure a full recovery. We _will _succeed, with or without your support." She paused before adding: "Though I'm sure it would mean a great deal to her for someone familiar to greet her when she awakens."

He stopped to consider the possibility, turning to look back through the window. "How do I know that's even really her?"

"Would you like to take a closer look?" She waved a hand in the direction of the door to the labs.

A wary longing for it to be true compelled him to follow as Miranda slid her hand against the locking mechanism of the door, stepping into the decontamination chamber.

Slowly approaching the still form, Joker allowed himself to look the woman over, starting at her feet and traveling up her damaged body. Up close the surgical marks were even more grotesque. Slick with healing ointments and held together with carefully placed stitches, pink scar tissue attempted to close gaps between flesh, muscles underneath emitting the glimmer of cybernetic upgrades.

When he finally reached her face, his stomach lurched. He swallowed repeatedly, trying to ward off the nausea threatening to overcome him as he looked on and saw that the eyes that had haunted him for the past year were now hollow sockets. Yet above the empty space of one, the familiar scar of her eyebrow remained. Joker felt his throat constrict and his eyes prickle. He squeezed them shut to the scene before him while coming to grips with the reality of the confirmation.

It was her.

After recovering he fired question after question at Miranda. Who _were _these people? Was Shepard going to have a choice? What if she told them to go fuck themselves? Would she even be herself? Have all her memories? And then wondered to himself: would she even want him around?

The thought of facing the person who's memory had tormented him the past year created an anxious clenching in his chest as he went over terms of employment with his new supervisor.

* * *

><p>A year later, when he made his way down the stairs of one of the many Cerberus stations to see her for the first time he was barely able to contain the nervous shaking of his hands. Without crutches to latch onto he tucked his fingers under his arms to keep from fidgeting, and came to a halt at the entrance of a darkened comm. room. A figure stood in the center.<p>

"Just like old times, huh, Commander?" Shepard turned at the sound of his voice and stared at him, squinting her eyes.

"Joker?" She let out what sounded like a relieved breath, and shook her head, walking towards him. "God, I'm glad you're here." When she wrapped her arms carefully around him he froze, surprised at the gesture. He gave a couple pats to her armored back and leaned away.

"Likewise," he said simply.

Shepard tilted her head, looking up at him. "I barely recognized you."

"Beard give me away?"

"And the eyes," she smiled warmly. "You got skinny," she noted, concerned eyes roaming over him. He grimaced inwardly at her comment about his appearance.

"Yeah, uh, I went on a diet." Two years of wasting away showed, and he wondered if she knew the truth behind it.

Her gaze traveled to his head, and amusement crossed her features. Joker ran a hand through his messy hair, thinking he should have gotten a haircut and wishing he had a cap. He squirmed under her gaze.

"You're looking good," he said, trying to take the attention away from himself as he turned to walk up the stairs away from the comm. room. "For someone who got spaced." The words came out before he realized what he was saying, and he watched her nervously for a reaction.

"I got lucky," she said quietly after a moment. "With a lot of strings attached."

"Yeah, no kidding. Cerberus doesn't fuck around."

"Cerberus," she laughed dryly. "Shit."

"Well, they aren't all bad. Fixed up my legs."

Shepard stopped, and he with her, her eyes widening as she surveyed his legs. "What? But how?"

"Don't be so surprised. Look at _you_. This was nothing - a signing bonus." He started walking again as he continued. "Anyway, they gave me mobility, and you your life back. I don't trust them any further than I can throw them, but they're alright."

"Maybe, but like I said: strings attached."

Joker shrugged. "Work with what you got. Which brings me to this." They stopped in front of a massive window overlooking a docking hangar. Inside sat a thing of beauty. "They only told me last night." He crossed his arms and shifted on his feet, eager eyes scanning over the ship he would be piloting. "It's good to be home, huh Commander?"

Shepard placed a hand against the window, leaning in. "I guess we should give her a name."

They turned to each other and smiled, knowingly.

* * *

><p>Over the course of their team building mission she would speak with him daily, the only person who bothered coming to talk in person rather than use the communications system. Their conversation was usually light hearted and Joker found himself falling back into their old routine of wise-cracks and teasing, but sometimes she'd want to reminisce about old times, and just when he thought her death might be brought up it wasn't.<p>

The apprehension that built with each conversation strained on Joker's nerves, and he would find himself becoming increasingly annoyed and short with her. The latest topic had her returning his attitude in kind.

"_Staff Commander._" Joker grumbled, adjusting the new cap on his head that had been waiting for him in his pilot seat when they had first boarded the ship. "Figures he gets a promotion and I get slapped with an NJP. I hate that guy."

"He basically called me a traitor." Shepard scowled as she sat atop of the bulkhead separating the pilot seat from the weapons systems station. "Can you believe that bullshit? Like I had any say over what happened the past two years."

A mention of her recent state of being kindled the uneasy feeling Joker encountered with each exchange.

"And I can't believe Cerberus had the nerve to put a picture of him in my quarters. Just another reminder of how I lost more than time. I don't need this garbage."

Agitation stirred in his gut. "Ya know, if you wanna talk about it I hear Chambers is really good."

"Who said I wanna talk about it?"

Joker rolled his eyes at her defensive tone. "You _are_ talking about it." He looked at her pointedly before fixing his eyes on the display in front of him. "Look, I know I'm like, your go to guy for musing about the good old days, but I'm gonna pass on this one." _Now leave me alone_, he added mentally.

"Gee, thanks." She said, sarcastically. "You're a real pal."

"Hey, I'm here for ya." He responded, before adding: "Up here. With my things."

Shepard hopped down from her perch and hovered over him, hands on her hips and clearly irritated. "You really have a smart ass remark for everything, don't you?"

"Ya just now noticing that?"

"You know, ever since we picked up Garrus your snarky attitude has begun to dip into asshole territory."

Joker scoffed. "What, so I'm an asshole because I don't want to weigh in my two cents on every goddamn stray you pick up?"

"Garrus and Tali aren't strays," she defended. "They're loyal friends."

"Friends?" he laughed, coldly. "Whose, yours? They sure as hell aren't mine."

Shepard shook her head scornfully and turned, leaving. "No wonder no one comes up here. I'll leave you alone with your foul fucking mood."

By himself he would sit and fume, wondering why he always averted the topic he wanted to approach yet was so reluctant to. He wanted to ask her forgiveness; plead with her to allow him the chance to somehow make it up to her if only she would acknowledge that it was because of his actions that she had suffered so many losses, but he wouldn't bring it up because more than anything he was afraid that she wouldn't forgive him.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Presently...<strong>_

_A white hot beam sliced through the escape pod, and he was floating through wreckage. Mask gone. No suit. Without protection from the vacuum he automatically pushed the air from his lungs as training instructed him, but the chances of being recovered were none. Tears escaped his eyes and quickly evaporated away. His mouth dried out, freezing cold. Seconds never seemed so long._

_Movement some distance away caught his attention and he watched as a woman floated through the debris, air spewing from her hard suit. He knew her. Eyes, wide and bulging and absolutely terrified, watched him from within the confines of her helmet. _

_An explosion sent him hurtling through debris, slamming his fragile form against a massive hunk of jagged metal. He squeezed his eyes shut and cried out in pain but no sound escaped. Relief for his burning lungs never came as he gasped for breath. White light danced behind his eyelids as his hands clawed desperately at his chest, mouth open in a silent scream._

Shivering violently and covered in a cold sweat, he opened his eyes and was met with a face both familiar and foreign.

He shot up in panic.

_No more. Please no more dreams._

But these eyes had the slightest tinge of red, a back-lit ring of faintly glowing cyber-optics. He panted as he stared at her, confused.

"You were dreaming, Joker. You're awake now." In the place of strain and fright her expression was tired and concerned, hands on his shoulders pressed gently into his tense muscles. Comprehension dawned and he blinked his eyes as he let out a shaky breath. "Are you okay?" Shepard asked, softly.

Joker realized he was gripping her forearms, fingertips white from pressure digging into her skin, but she showed no sign of discomfort. He released her quickly, heart still racing, and was immediately embarrassed and horrified at having been witnessed in this panicked state. Settling back into his seat, he pushed her hands from his shoulders and turned away, pulling the bill of his cap down over his eyes.

"I'm fine."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Mood music for Joker being a depressed bastard for two years in my profile.  
><strong>

**I hope those of you that stuck through the entire length of this chapter enjoyed it. This is my first fanfic, so it is a learn as you go process. I will not be utilizing a beta so any mistakes are my own, and I will likely be revisiting chapters to edit grammar and phrasing that got missed. **

**Reviews are welcome. Did you like the chapter? Did it suck? Favorite scene or line? Anything you wish had happened differently? Wanna give Joker or Shepard a piece of your mind? Reviews make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, and they keep me writing. I'm needy like that.  
><strong>

**xoxo**

**SmD**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Mass Effect © BioWare._

* * *

><p><strong>Breaking the Barrier<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 2<br>**

* * *

><p>Trained to endure suffering and overcome unbeatable odds, Shepard panicked having found herself in the worst possible situation.<p>

Spaced.

Ship destroyed.

Irrecoverable.

An explosion launched her against a solid hunk of metal and ruptured the joints of her hard suit causing precious oxygen to spew out, wasted, into space. She struggled, spinning uncontrollably from the propulsion of the air shooting out of her armor as she hurtled towards the looming ice planet Alchera.

She knew she was as good as dead. Her heart raced and she strained for breath, sucking what she could into her lungs as tears blinded her eyes causing her blurring vision to grow cloudier still. Her lungs faltered when the last of her air was depleted. Seconds passed as her ability to see shut down. Tugging hands went limp as a lightness overcame her, and memories of those she came to care for greatly over the last months flickered through her mind in brief images before shifting and spinning away into nothing as her useless eyes rolled into her head.

Drifting away silently her body and mind collapsed in the darkness.

* * *

><p>Nothingness gave way to cognizance. Distorted voices permeated her groggy mind and raw aching penetrated every possible inch of her body. She felt breath in her lungs and gasped at the pain resonating throughout her. But she was alive. Someone must have recovered her.<p>

She had made it.

Weak eyelids tried to open and struggled to see clearly. Unfamiliar people appeared blurring in and out of focus as they talked and hovered over her. She grasped for the woman who told her to lay still. As her heart thundered in her chest frantic beeping from an alarm sounded at her right, and she strained to lift her head as the woman flitted over to a machine, spouting off orders to a nearby man. Heaviness pulled at her as she watched him at another machine, and her head lolled back onto the hard surface she lay upon. Lethargy overpowered her senses and once again the darkness claimed her.

* * *

><p>Recovered. Reconstructed. Reborn.<p>

Three words described the past two years of her unlife.

She had been dead - really, actually dead - for some time before her body was brought back into being.

Her mind reeled at the length of time that had passed when it felt as though she had been aboard the Normandy just days ago.

She demanded to see the records of her reconstruction but the woman who headed the project claimed that they were irrecoverable. The medical facility had been destroyed to prevent leakage of any evidence of the activities there.

A Cerberus facility.

Cautiously accepting a request by the man responsible for her new life to investigate a settlement that had been the latest in a series of human colony disappearances, she considered her options. Working with Cerberus would be a means to an end. The battle against the Reapers had always been hers, but this "Illusive Man" acknowledged the reality of the threat. Without the support of the Systems Alliance and left to her own devices as far as being a Spectre was concerned it was wise to take help where she could find it.

Slipping back into the familiarity of battle came easily, but she struggled to remember events that she had taken part in. What she did recall troubled her.

Geth. Saren. Sovereign. Reapers.

The Normandy. Her crew. An attack. Suffocating.

Two years gone.

Encountering Tali at the colony of Freedom's Progress was a welcome surprise and proved helpful, and also affirmed her skepticism about Cerberus. Trust wasn't going to come as easily as it had with members of the Normandy.

Parting ways with her quarian friend, though disappointing, was understandable, and upon returning to the Cerberus facility she inquired about the other members of her former crew. If she was going to bring a war to the Collectors, and ultimately the Reapers, she would need a team that met her standards.

It seemed that the Illusive Man had the sense to premeditate her desire to work with people she trusted. Frustration abounded when questions of each person were met with ready and undesired answers. She would have to work with an entirely new assault team. Not assigned or having joined of their own volition as the Normandy crew had been, but recruited with persuasion or promise of payment. The thought was anything but appealing, but if they were the best of the best she would have to try and make it work.

* * *

><p>It had always been the norm for Shepard to speak individually with her crew. Trust was of the utmost importance, and what better way to get someone to trust you than to show an interest in them, be it in earnest or otherwise. It was all business to her, or at least it had been before being stationed on the SSV Normandy, the less luxurious and spacious version of the more recent Cerberus built SR-2's model.<p>

She had taken an immediate liking to the crew of the SR1, and over time she came to feel similarly towards the Cerberus staff, many of them having served previously in the Alliance. After speaking with people one on one she realized they each had legitimate reasons for joining, none of them seedy as the media would portray - with the exception of the mysterious head of the organization.

She liked to think she could be relied upon by her crew, and as much as she wanted to have a trustworthy team, she knew it was of greater importance that they have impenetrable confidence and faith in her. It was her hand that would guide the fate of their lives, and she did not take the responsibility lightly.

With each new recruit was a new set of baggage. Appeasing personal concerns, concluding quests and unfinished business, and avenging betrayals filled the time between mission objectives. Tended to loyalties were secured, and Shepard found that her new team was a determined and formidable force.

The only trouble she encountered was personal. She found it difficult to reconcile the people she had known previously with the new personalities they had assumed.

Tali had matured, but clung to the comfort offered by Shepard's friendship. She felt a pressure to care for her young friend in the way a sister would. In the way that Ashley had cared for her sisters. It was a responsibility she would gladly accept.

Garrus had become somewhat volatile; no longer the eager and enthusiastic C-Sec Officer he had once been. Having been stabbed in the back by someone he fought alongside of had left an acerbic hardness to his demeanor that matched his bony exterior, his old self only available to those he held closest.

Joker had traveled down a path that left him highly antagonistic. His moods were so polar and unpredictable that Shepard had at one point insisted to Kelly that he be evaluated, but he would refuse to speak about it and simply leave the conference room the couple times the psych had tried to breach the subject of his mental health.

Dr. Chakwas had remained largely unchanged. If anything she was more open than before, inviting Shepard to join her for the occasional chat and drink in the medical bay. On one occasion the doctor had drunkenly proclaimed her an immovable center; a place for a person to stop and catch their breath. She returned the sentiment, feeling the same about having found stability in the familiarity of her friend.

At times she wondered if it would have been easier to be aboard a ship with complete strangers. No one there to remind her of everything she had lost in dying.

Speaking with the asari Justicar, Samara, had been spiritually fulfilling, and conversations with the drell assassin, Thane, had been equally enlightening. She found their company calming, and sought them out when overwhelmed. Trying to piece together model ships as a practice in patience resulted in plastic bits strewn about her quarters on more than one occasion, and she would find herself joining one of the two aliens for peaceful meditation.

After encountering Kaidan on Horizon she had given up on calm.

When first assigned to the Normandy SR1 he had quickly caught her eye. After a decade of service she had never encountered another that she had felt so drawn to, only having the occasional meaningless fling to show for her less than impressive romantic history.

He had been quick to admit his interest, inappropriate as he thought it was in terms of fraternization regulations, but Shepard had been equally taken and assured him that she was interested in exploring the possibility of whatever it was they had blossoming into something substantial. Their relationship was fast and tinged with the looming threat of death, and before they had the chance to figure themselves out the Collectors had struck.

After awakening she ached for him and would have been heartbroken when he ended things on Horizon if she weren't pissed beyond belief. Remarks of traitors and betrayed loyalties sealed the coffin on their brief romance. Bitter disappointment at their reunion and anger at his inability to hear her out took up residence in her mind. Later communication from him had her snatching the overturned picture frame on her desk and smashing it against the floor.

Coming to terms with the differences in her world was a struggle that she didn't particularly care to deal with. Over the weeks any lingering pain from learning of the series of events her death had caused had her clamped down on her emotions, and soon all that remained was the stoic leader that so many had come to rely on.

* * *

><p><strong>Presently...<strong>

A cacophony of heavily armored boots echoed throughout the Normandy hangar as the assortment of conscripted warriors exited the Kodiak shuttle. Weapons drawn, they spread throughout the room checking every turn and hidden space for signs of danger.

"Alright, gather up!" Shepard called out. "Vakarian, Lawson, Taylor," she pointed them out in the group assembling before her. "Each of you head a four man fire team and sweep a deck for hostiles. Kill on sight. If you come across any crew send them to an area that's already been cleared. Squad leaders report to Lawson with status confirmation. Once given the all clear everyone head to your stations."

EDI's calm voice surrounded them. "The Normandy has been relieved of all hostile life forms, Commander. My sensors would pick up any remaining threats."

"Watch your backs and be thorough. Move out," she ordered, ignoring the AI. A round of affirmations followed as the teams moved toward their destinations, Shepard heading to the elevator with the squads clearing the upper floors.

Pistol drawn she swept into the CIC with Jacob, Mordin, and Kasumi close behind. Evidence of struggle showed itself in the disturbing form of black skid marks and blood smears trailing back towards the elevator door.

"Jacob, take Kasumi and sweep the stern, Mordin and I will cover the bow. Meet me in the comm. room for debriefing with Joker after you've notified Miranda."

"Aye, Commander," he nodded.

Shepard and Mordin strode down the technicians corridor with guns at the ready and checked the airlock before entering the bridge, quickly searching out any trouble. She stood upright and stowed her weapon seeing that the only life present was the pilot asleep in his seat.

She watched him sleeping as she began to remove her gauntlets and unsealed the gloves of her skin tight enviro-suit. Several times throughout the Collector mission she would catch him nodding off or walk in on him in the midst of talking to himself to keep from doing so as she made her rounds with the crew. He would brush it off as having gotten little sleep or feeling under the weather.

She assumed it was more than a lack of proper rest causing his erratic behavior; the forlorn look she saw in him staring blankly into the abyss of darkness outside when he was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice her approach was testament to that.

At closer inspection she noted his hands clamped on the armrests of the chair, his chest heaved with labored breaths and his eyes twitched rapidly behind their lids. He was dreaming, and from the looks of it it wasn't pleasant. A distressed sound escaping his mouth had her bent over and grabbing hold of his shoulders to jostle him awake.

Joker's eyes snapped open and the abruptness with which he shot up and clutched her arms caught Shepard by surprise, but it gave way to concern when it looked like he might be having a panic attack.

"You were dreaming, Joker," she told him. "You're awake now." Her hands remained on his shoulders, rubbing them as she held to his alarmed eyes. He blinked rapidly as he became aware and let out a ragged breath. "Are you okay?"

He released his grip and pulled away from her, shrugging her hands off his shoulders as he scooted back into his seat and turned away. "I'm fine," he spoke, the bill of his cap shielding his face.

Mordin scurried forward, omnitool at the ready as Joker scowled at him. "Scan of chemical balance shows increased levels of adrenaline and cortisol. Stress hormones. Likely reaction to unpleasant visions experienced during anabolic state. Can be both cause of and reaction to deprivation of sleep. Would suggest-"

"I said I'm fine. Goddamn," Joker interrupted.

Shepard frowned. "You can go, Mordin," she said to the salarian. He nodded and retreated down the corridor.

In the past weeks of talking the mischievous lightness in Joker's conversation had dimmed considerably and been replaced with a more abrasive tone. It was concern that kept her coming back. Now was not the time for chatting, though. Duty first. Personal time later.

She straightened and started unlatching the shoulder guards from her chest plate. "I'm going to change. Wait for me in the comm. room for debriefing."

Joker nodded and sighed. It was cut short by a groan as he gripped an armrest, struggling to scoot out of his seat and wincing as he clutched at his side.

"What happened?" Shepard reached out to his arm to assist him and he jerked it away.

"It's nothing," he replied tersely as he stood, casting a guarded look down at his superior as she retracted her hand. She eyed his arm wrapped snugly to his ribcage.

As if on cue EDI's hologram popped into view. "Physical health scans indicate that Mr. Moreau has sustained multiple hairline fractures in the number six spare rib on the right side of his body. He has ignored advice to seek medical attention as of this point in time."

Shepard raised an eyebrow at the pilot but he ignored it and cast an irritated sideways glance at the flickering AI just as it disappeared.

"Snitch," he muttered as he brushed by.

She followed after. "You should let Mordin check that out."

"It's not a big deal," he insisted. "I've got pills. I can handle it."

"Stubborn ass," she shook her head. If he heard her he made no indication of it as they split at the CIC, Joker headed to the armory and Shepard back to the elevator.

* * *

><p>Shepard stood with her arms folded, resting against the edge of the conference table and listening as Joker relayed the events of the attack.<p>

"What the hell did you do?" Miranda demanded as she stalked into the room. "We're gone for not even a couple hours and you manage to lose the entire crew and almost the ship?"

"I didn't lose shit, lady." He sat up in his spot atop the conference table. "And what the hell could I do to the Collectors? Break my arm at them?" Joker retorted.

"We did everything we could, Jeff," chimed in EDI.

"Yeah, thanks Mom," he muttered.

"It's not his fault, Miranda. None of us caught it." Jacob defended

"Mr. Taylor is correct," the AI agreed. "The harmful data in the Collector drive was even more sophisticated than the "black box" Reaper viruses I was given."

"Is the virus contained?" Shepard asked.

"EDI and I purged the systems and the Reaper IFF is online," Joker answered. "We can go through the Omega 4 relay whenever you want."

"Don't even get me started on unshackling a damned AI," Miranda berated, shaking her head as she paced back and forth in front of the door glaring at the pilot.

His eyes narrowed at her as he sat up. "If I hadn't unleashed that damned AI my ass woulda been collected and you'd all be fucked, so lay off."

"I assure you, I am still bound by protocols in my programming," EDI affirmed.

"Alright, stand down. Both of you." Shepard interjected. "Fighting isn't going to get us anywhere." Miranda resumed her pacing, arms folded, and Joker sat back in his previous position, brooding.

"Sounds like we have everything we need to rescue the crew," Jacob suggested.

Miranda stopped to face him. "Rescuing the crew is a secondary concern. We have a job to do."

Shepard shook her head. "Miranda, I don't leave my people behind if I can help it." The memory of Ashley's voice, resolute in the sentence Shepard had decided for her, had weighed heavily on her conscience and she had vowed to never leave another crewman behind if it were in her power. "Still, our primary objective remains destroying the Collector base. Now that the IFF is integrated into the Normandy's system we're in the final stretch. Head to your stations and secure for general quarters. Get yourselves correct. I need your heads clear and ready for this," she said, eyes drifting to each person.

"Great. Here we go again." Joker groused. "Hit the map when you're ready."

Shepard crossed her arms and watched them leave. When she was alone in the room she leaned over the table, closing her eyes as her head drooped and resting her forearms on the cool surface.

They were going on a suicide mission. Not exactly what you might call a promising title, but Shepard had confidence in her team. Their level of skill was unquestionable; they were the best of the best. That much she could agree with the Illusive Man about. And even though the possibility of not returning from this nagged at the edge of her mind she was steadfast in her belief that they would get the job done. Any thoughts of an outcome other than success were banished from her thinking, as if even acknowledging them would be invitation to failure.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: A considerably shorter chapter. I will admit to enjoying writing Joker much more than Shepard. Apologies for the in-game script. I'll try to stay away from it as much as possible, but there are times when you might see some of the phrases I enjoyed worked into the dialogue****.  
><strong>


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Mass Effect © BioWare._

* * *

><p><strong>Breaking the Barrier<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

* * *

><p>With the ship heading on a direct path to the Omega 4 relay the countdown to the final mission was officially on. Shepard knew the odds weren't in their favor, but probability hadn't stopped her before and she wouldn't let it stop her now, especially with the knowledge that the Reapers were still lurking somewhere in the depths of dark space.<p>

As the crew prepared she made a last round of the ship to speak with everyone.

In the starboard cargo room she listened as Zaeed cleaned his assault rifle and recounted stories of past jobs while Grunt, Kasumi, and Jack entertained themselves with a shipment of combat daggers that sparked an impromptu contest of throwing them at a makeshift target. In the engineering room Tali was content to pour over systems checks, citing her need to keep busy when anxious.

On the next floor chatting was kept to a bare minimum. Miranda and Jacob were found in the XO office musing over past missions, while Thane and Samara were in their respective quarters preparing themselves through quiet introspection. Garrus brushed her off, hesitantly claiming distraction with last minute calibrations of the Thanix Cannon.

Shepard had been caught off guard and then highly amused when Mordin told her that he had noticed her coming around a lot, and her apparent interest in him - while flattering - was not something he would consider.

Last to go was Joker.

She furrowed her brow as she approached the bridge. "EDI?"

"How can I help you, Commander?" The AI shimmered into view, casting a blue glow throughout the empty helm.

Shepard looked back towards the CIC before turning to the hologram. "Where's Joker?"

"Mr. Moreau is currently in the crew deck medical bay. Is there anything else, Commander?"

She sighed running a hand through her hair and sweeping her eyes over the flight control terminal. "Yeah, what's the ETA for the Omega 4 relay?"

"Estimated time of travel to the Omega 4 relay is approximately one hour, 23 minutes. Is there anything else I can help you with, Commander?"

"No," she replied, already making her way back down the corridor as the AI disappeared.

Shepard tapped her foot impatiently as the elevator crept slowly down to the deck below. A metallic crash caused her to jump as she rounded the corner towards the medical bay, her hand instinctively going for her hip. She stilled it when she realized there was no pistol there.

"Joker," she murmured.

The med bay doors opened to reveal the sight of Joker's back. He was knelt down on the floor picking up pills from popped open bottles and various sized tubes and bandages while generously grumbling out expletives. Shepard strode over and took a knee, prepared to tell him to get over himself if he refused her help.

"Hey, need a hand?" She began picking up items without waiting for an answer, placing them on the nearby metal tray that had probably been what made the crashing sound.

"Thanks," he said, turning his head and smiling briefly before continuing collecting the fallen items.

* * *

><p>Together they made quick work of the spilled mess. When they were done Joker struggled to his feet and reached for an elastic bandage roll only to have it snatched out of his grasp.<p>

"You don't want to use that," Shepard said, setting down the tube of topical analgesic she had been inspecting along with the bandage she grabbed from him.

He let out a huff of air. "Don't I need it to wrap my ribs?"

"It'll restrict your breathing," she explained.

"What are you doing?" he asked as she walked over to a supply cabinet and began rummaging through its drawers.

"Helping you. There's no way you'll be able to do this alone, at least not properly."

"I can take care of myself. This isn't the first time I've broken ribs."

"And apparently you still don't know how to treat them," she pointed out.

"Uh, yeah. It's called pain killers."

The woman ignored his protest and looked over her shoulder at him. "Take off your shirt."

"What? No. Shepard, I got this," he insisted.

The look she gave him as she walked back over clearly said _'that was an order, not a request'_. "Off with it. Now," she said sternly while unrolling arm long lengths of medical tape, sticking them to the side of the tray.

_Bossy..._ "And I thought Chakwas was bad," he muttered to himself as he removed his hat and set it on the nearby patient bed, revealing a constantly concealed array of disheveled brown hair.

Bringing his hands to his collar he tugged the slightly stretchy fabric of his shirt up over his head, grunting and cursing quietly as the pain in his chest sharpened when his arms straightened above him. He quirked an eyebrow when he caught Shepard eyeing his bare stomach as she finished prepping the long strips of white tape, her gaze lingering on the hard lines of his abdomen that brazenly defied the fragile structure of his skeleton.

_She is totally checking me out._ "See something you like, Commander?" He asked playfully, barely containing the smirk twitching at the corner of his mouth when she started and averted her eyes.

"Nothing I haven't seen before," she claimed dismissively.

"Aw, no need to play it off like that. I know it's difficult to resist my devilishly handsome good looks. Just try to keep it professional will ya?"

"Don't flatter yourself, Joker."

"Come on, admit it. I'm sexy as hell," he grinned, running his hands over his torso.

"And risk further inflation of your already massive ego?" She laughed. "I think not."

"You know you want me," he sighed.

"Oh please," she snorted.

"What? You were practically drooling on me just now. You need to get laid bad. Hell, we all need to get laid. Ya know, we're not in the Alliance anymore... No frat regs. I wouldn't mind working out a friends with benefits arrangement if you wanna give it a go," he said, waggling his eyebrows.

She rolled her eyes. "In your dreams, flyboy."

If she only knew. "Every night, Commander," he said, the playful tone gone. She looked uncomfortable and he forced a smile. "Chill, I'm just flippin' your shit. You make it too easy."

"I'm glad I amuse you," she muttered, stepping up to his right side to tap his elbow. "Up."

He lifted his arm and watched her bend down to inspect his ribcage with her fingertips, hissing a sharp intake of air and holding his breath as she gently prodded the bruised area where his injury lay hidden. She pulled the tray closer and began working in silence, methodically laying strips of tape along his side directly on, above, and below the fractured rib, following the curve of the bone from his sternum back around to his spine. The coolness of her hands running over his side to smooth down each strip soothed the throbbing, and he closed his eyes to focus on the feeling.

"So, how are you holding up?" She asked as she gave the strips a final sweep. "Must have been a rough ride."

"I'm fine," he replied quietly. He kept his gaze downcast as he reached for his shirt, slipping in one arm at a time before pulling it over his head.

Shepard placed her hands on her hips and she went to stand in front of him, the tray between them as she gestured to it. "Obviously not."

"I really don't want to talk about it," he said, scratching his fingers through his hair before placing his cap in its rightful spot, the shortness in his tone from when she had asked him how he was earlier returning.

"You should. I need your head clear so you can focus on getting us through the relay in one piece. We have no idea what's waiting for us on the other side."

His irritation flared when she questioned his ability to fly, and between the nagging of her voice and the throbbing of his side the pent up agitation he held began simmering in his gut.

He stared her down.

She held her stance.

"Well?" She pressed.

"You know what? You're right. I'm not fine," he admitted. "Where the hell were you?" His eyes narrowed with accusation.

The question took her aback. "What?"

"You just left us out here hanging in space where the Collectors could work us over. What the hell were you thinking taking the whole team?" He was going to hold her accountable. It was so much easier to pass off blame than to shoulder it himself.

"I made a command judgment. It turned out poorly. I'm sorry things happened this way."

"You're sorry?" He scoffed.

"Of course I am. The crew is gone because of my call."

Joker shook his head and muttered to himself. "I should just leave. I should just head to the nearest port and get the hell out of here."

"You don't mean that, Jeff," the ever present EDI spoke.

"Don't I?" He challenged, folding his arms and looking up in the air. The AI had no response.

"Joker, I know what just happened must have brought up a few bad memories for you but-"

"A few bad memories?" He shot an angry look at her and cut her off, taking a step toward her and throwing his balled up fists down to his side. "Try two fucking years worth of nightmares."

And here it was. The subject was finally being brought up when they were about to head into the shit, and while Joker doubted it would help keep either of their heads in the game he couldn't bring himself to care. The bottled up guilt and resentment he had carried for over two years was bubbling up and he couldn't stop the flow of words from spilling out of his mouth.

"Two years," he continued, "of dreaming about your goddamn eyes peeking out of your helmet while you got sucked out into space to die. Everything would have worked out if you'd just gotten in the fucking pod. I'd still be flying for the Alliance, Garrus' face wouldn't have been blown off, and all the people that have been taken by the Collectors while you were dead might still be alive because you'd have been around to save the day."

"I lost my life saving you and you're judging me for it?" She asked in disbelief, her voice quieter than he thought it would be after all he'd said.

"I didn't ask to be saved," he replied coldly. "Why risk coming back for me anyway? You're way more valuable to the galaxy than I am."

"Didn't you hear me earlier? I don't leave my people behind."

He stepped closer, towering over her, and words were voiced before he could process what was being said. "Just like you didn't leave Ashley behind?"

His head snapped to the right from the force of her slap. He turned back to her, surprised at the reaction. Both of her eyes flared with triads of crimson but beyond their furious blaze he recognized hurt, and he found that it stung considerably more than his cheek did, causing him instant regret for everything he had said.

"Fuck you," she spat.

All the fight left his system and his mouth opened and closed, struggling to find a way to voice his apology.

He had finally gotten an excuse to ask for her forgiveness, but all of the things he had wanted to say since she'd come back escaped him.

"Shepard, I'm - I didn't-" he stammered, reaching a hand out to her clenched fists, but she recoiled from him, stepping away as she flung her arm behind her and out of his reach.

"Fuck you," she repeated through clenched teeth, her voice low and thick with emotion. She backed up a few more steps before turning to retreat from the room, leaving Joker alone to stand in the aftermath of the storm he had created.

* * *

><p>Shepard had been stupefied by Joker's vent. He didn't just blame her for what happened earlier that day but for everything that had happened in her absence as well. She believed in people being held accountable for their decisions, and she knew the choice to retrieve Kaidan instead of Ashley was hers as much as it was agreeing with Miranda to take the entire assault team. Ultimately every decision made by her and approved through her was her responsibility. Even knowing the error of her command judgement she found it cut her to the bone to be judged so harshly by someone who's life she had been able to save.<p>

Hurt and anger coursed through her as she stormed through the doors of the main battery, nearly colliding with the tall turian standing there.

"Whoa. In a hurry to see me again, huh?" Garrus teased.

She grabbed at the front of his shirt, searching for a zipper or button. "Take this shit off."

"Excuse me?"

"Take it off," she repeated. "We're blowing off steam."

"Shep... Um. Well... I uh," he stammered. "Now?"

She continued prying at his uniform, impatiently pulling at the neck of his shirt. "Yes, now. Like, right fucking now."

"Okay... I didn't think you'd be interested in that."

"Are you gonna make me beg?"

"I might like that," he responded, the grin in his voice obvious as he pulled at a release under the front flap of the jacket to free it from his body.

Pulling off her shirt and tossing it aside she tucked her dog tags into the front of her sports bra, watching as Garrus removed his visor and walked towards her.

* * *

><p>Shepard groaned under the weight of the turian. Hard protrusions of his carapace scraped along the soft flesh of her chest and dug into her thighs as she squeezed her legs around the hardness of his hips while they writhed against each other.<p>

"Too rough?" He asked, his breaths heavy and hot on her face.

"I can take it," she panted. "You holding out on me?"

"Maybe a little."

"Well don't."

A swift punch to the tender flesh of his neck had him coughing as he rolled off of her. Her pant leg caught on the spur of his calf and she was pulled with him. Taking advantage of the new position she leaned over to push a forearm against his throat as he punched at her sides.

"Yrgnngitna," he gurgled.

"Sorry, can you repeat that?"

He rolled backwards, throwing her across the mat set up between crates of equipment in the hangar bay. "I said: 'you're gonna get it now.'" He threatened and rubbed at his throat.

She jumped up and danced back and forth on her feet as they circled each other. "Really? I'm pretty sure I'm leading in dropping your ass to the floor."

"That's because you're fighting dirty."

"I'm just talkin'."

"Uh-huh," he said wryly. "And giving me grief about misunderstanding your request is necessary?"

"That was an assumption on your part." She lunged at him.

He jumped to the side, dodging her blow and she barreled into a crate. "You basically tried to rip my clothes off," he scoffed. "Given that 'blowing off steam' could mean one of two things I figured I was interpreting your demands pretty clearly."

She snickered as she spun around to face him. "Disappointed?"

"Well, I'm not going to pretend I have a human fetish, but I'd give _you_ a shot," he winked.

She gawked at him before sputtering. "Did you just wink at me?"

He laughed outright, interrupting her. "Calm down, Shepard. I'm not serious." She glared at him and began pulling off her gloves. "Oh come on, don't look so upset."

"I'm not upset." She had just had enough of two people consecutively getting a rise out of her in this form.

"I promise I'll come to you if I ever consider experimenting in cross-species intercourse - which is highly unlikely, no offense."

"Wow, smooth talker! Consider me seduced," she said snarkily, throwing her gloves at him. They bounced off of him and he chuckled as he caught one. "EDI, how long now until we hit the relay?"

"Approximately thirty-two minutes until we reach the Omega four Relay, Commander."

Garrus sat upon a crate as he removed his own gloves. "Shepard, before we get battle ready you got a minute?"

"Of course. What's up?" She moved next to him, leaning against the edge of the crate. He took a deep breath but didn't speak, instead tapping his talons against the metal container. Shepard waited for him to collect his thoughts.

"I wasn't sure if I was going to bring it up at all, but I've been thinking about what happened on Omega with my team... " he trailed off.

"What about it?" She encouraged.

"I just," he hesitated. "I don't think it's a good idea for me to lead the second fire team, Shepard."

"Of course it's a good idea. You're the most skilled leader besides me on this ship."

He shook his head slowly as she spoke. "My whole team was killed under my leadership because of a decision I made. I don't know that I'm ready to be in that kind of position again."

"Garrus," she said, leaning her head forward to catch his eye. "You are. I know you are. You're quick to take the initiative and you have the experience of successes and failures to guide your tactics. Focus on the lessons you've learned and use them to your advantage."

"Is that what you do?" he asked, looking to her. For a moment it felt like they were back on the SR-1 playing mentor and pupil as they so often had, but the still raw flesh of Garrus' cheek and the tired droop of his uncertain eyes reminded her that those days were long gone.

"Yeah, it is. And while remorse for any bad outcomes from some of the decisions I've had to make in the past is still there, I know that I can use the knowledge I've gained to prevent the same from happening again."

"Hm," he mumbled, nodding.

"Hey."

He was quiet, lost in his thoughts.

"Hey," she repeated, gently prodding his bare side with an elbow.

"Hm?" He turned to her, cocking his head to the side.

"You know you're my best friend in this whole fucked up galaxy, right?"

His eyes crinkled in a smile and he pulled her to his side with an arm around her shoulder. "The feeling is mutual."

She returned his gesture and wrapped her arm around his tiny waist. "Good. Then you should know that I trust you more than anyone I know. I have the utmost confidence in your abilities and I would consider it a personal offense if you don't stop second guessing yourself."

"Shepard..." he sighed, removing his arm.

"I don't want to hear it, Garrus," she said, hopping off the crate and moving to stand in front of him. "You are the right man for the job. You've always been driven to reach the objective - just look back at the mission for Saren. Everyone on this ship already respects you and would gladly take orders from you. Miranda may be the XO but everyone knows who I look to in the field."

He was silent as he pondered Shepard's words, his predatory eyes studying her as she waited for a response.

"All right," he acquiesced.

A victorious smile spread across her face and Garrus couldn't help but join her.

"You really do wonders for a man's confidence. I think I'll keep you around." Shepard snorted and rolled her eyes, and he chuckled before turning serious again. "You know, I don't think I ever thanked you for helping me with Sidonis. It took some time for me to stop being angry with you and I still want to kill the bastard, but when we went to Zorya with Zaeed I realized I don't want this need for vengeance to consume me like it has him. You've always guided me towards the light, Shepard, and I appreciate it."

"I'll always give it to you straight, Garrus. At the same time, like Thane said, it's hard to judge people on actions alone. There are just way too many shades of gray."

"I said that."

She turned back to her friend. "No, you didn't. Thane did."

"I said the part about shades of gray," he insisted.

"Oh. Yeah, but that's such a common saying."

"I thought it was pretty good," he clucked.

Their casual banter was a comfort, and any lingering stress dissipated as Shepard enjoyed the last moments of peace with her friend before they made the jump into hell.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I couldn't help myself with the "blowing off steam" bit. Originally Garrus and Shepard were going to talk in the mess hall, but a comment on a Garrus/femShep fan art I did inspired me to go this route.  
><strong>

**Just in case anyone is wondering about Shepard's description, I am purposely keeping her ambiguous so that readers can imagine what they like - their own Shepard if it pleases.**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Mass Effect © BioWare._

* * *

><p><strong>Breaking the Barrier<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4<br>**

* * *

><p>Joker leaned against the frame of the interior airlock door waiting for Jacob to return with the recovered ship staff and trying to focus his mind on anything other than the immensely increased stabbing feeling in his ribcage. The trip through the relay was harsh and the ship took a considerable amount of damage with the team being thrown to the floor and Joker being slammed against his armrest - increasing the number of fractured ribs to three - when the mass effect fields were knocked offline, causing them to crash land on the Collector base.<p>

Remorse chewed at his conscience and his guilt weighed him down after Shepard had left him in the med bay. With the odds of their survival sketchy at best he knew he had to rectify his earlier actions with her and had attempted to speak with her as they approached the relay, but his efforts had been brushed aside.

"Now isn't the time," she'd said, voice emotionless and commander's mask in place, speaking to him again only when giving orders. He couldn't disagree and hoped against reason that they made it out of this alive.

The sound of static filled his ears as Jacob and his group reached the ship. "Joker, we're here. Open up."

He hit the manual airlock controls and opened the exterior door. When it was clear he stood to the side as people filtered into the ship's interior, his eyes immediately searching for Dr. Chakwas. He breathed a sigh of relief when he caught sight of her helping an injured crew member step aboard, but there was no time for happy greetings as everyone scurried to their stations to continue their duties.

The assault team made quick progress through the massive Collector base and Shepard's voice could be heard after they reached each checkpoint.

Back in his seat Joker studied the active scan of the base and noticed signs of lifeforms nearing the team's position. _Shit._ "Commander, you've got a problem. Hostiles amassing just outside the door. It won't be long 'till they bust through," he warned.

He listened as Shepard addressed the assault team. She would bring Grunt and Miranda with her, leaving Garrus in his position as squad leader of the remaining group to hold off the forces about to break through the door currently separating them. She gave one last motivational speech before heading off to their final objective, and Joker worried that the words he had spoken in the med bay might be the last things he would ever say to her.

What the team found at the core of the base stunned them all. A dormant humanoid Reaper built from machinery and the massive collection of humans turned into slop used to feed its construction.

Shepard called in an extraction for the second team - they were becoming overwhelmed by the number of Collectors streaming through the door they held position at - and shortly after the Normandy was flying in to make the pick up.

Again, the comm. system buzzed to life, only this time it was the Illusive Man. EDI opened the line to Shepard and as she prepared the bomb to destroy the base she argued with him, calling him out on his skewed ideas to preserve it and holding solidly to her beliefs. Miranda shocked them all with her resignation from Cerberus, and as the mysterious man promised they would regret their actions Joker gladly cut the link at Shepard's command.

The detonation countdown activated as Garrus and company rushed into the cover of the ship, sweaty and bleeding but alive, and Joker pulled them out of direct fire to head for the extraction point for the last group. The base shuddered and groaned as they neared position.

"Normandy to shore party: do you read me?" No response. "I repeat, Normandy to shore party: do you copy?" He was again met with silence. Dread gripped him and he shouted repeatedly, giving the flight controls over to EDI as he stood. "Do you copy? Commander! Come on, Shepard, don't leave me hangin'. Do you copy?"

"I'm here. Did the ground team make it?" He let out the breath he had been holding as her strained voice came through, the sound of gunfire tattering loudly in the background.

"All survivors aboard. We're just waiting for you," he replied, hurrying to the armory. He grabbed an assault rifle and rushed back to the front of the ship and into the airlock.

As EDI brought the Normandy up to a platform the exterior doors of the airlock opened and he was greeted with the sight of a mass of Collectors on Shepard's heels, spurring him into action. He shot a burst into the swarm and felt the recoil of the rifle travel up his right forearm without pain, encouraging him to continue with suppressing fire.

Miranda and Grunt just made it into the ship when the platform they pulled up to toppled under the weight of a massive falling beam. Joker leaned out of the airlock to watch it tumble out of sight, and his eyes shot back up in horror to see Shepard running at full speed towards the cliff, leaping off of the ledge at the last moment.

"Shepard!" Joker roared as he leaned out of the hatch, arms outstretched to her flailing form. She collided with the ship, dangling dangerously from it's edge as he dropped his rifle and grasped at her forearms. "Shepard! Hold on!"

A desperate cry escaped from between her gritted teeth as she slipped away from the edge of the airlock. Her eyes had a familiar look in them - the same knowing terror that had plagued his memory for so long.

"Warn them, Joker," she instructed him, grim resignation to her fate written on her face.

"No! You're not doing this to me again!" He latched his fingers under her gauntlets and strained to pull her up, wincing at the added strain to his ribs. She began to rise quickly and he noticed a pair of armored alien hands hooked under the collar of her armor. Garrus swiftly pulled her into the safety of the airlock where they tumbled into a heap on the floor before scrambling to their feet.

Joker let out a sound of relief, and knowing they were far from safe he turned to race back to the flight terminal with Shepard and Garrus on his heels as EDI whisked them away from the rapidly falling apart station.

"Detonation in 10, 9, 8-" EDI counted down.

"Yeah, I get the gist of it EDI. Hold on!" He shouted, taking control of the ship.

Explosions wracked the structure and debris flew as Joker drove them further from the site, racing the bloom of fire chasing after them. He pushed the ship to its limit, urging it to go faster until finally the FTL drives engaged, shooting them towards the relay and then through it back into the relative safety of the Omega cluster, escaping the death that had nearly been upon them.

* * *

><p>The ship docked at Omega while engineering made repairs to the areas of the ship needing immediate attention with the assault team helping where they could offer assistance. It had been almost two days and Joker hadn't seen Shepard since wordlessly handing over the data pad with the Reaper information EDI had pilfered from the Collector base intelligence mainframe, figuring she was busy dissecting it.<p>

She had made it. He could live with her hating him. At least she wasn't dead... Again.

He remained in his seat nearly the whole time after returning through the Omega 4 relay, only having left after reaching Omega to shower, pick at any food he tried to eat, and seek out Dr. Chakwas for medical attention. Ribs set with electric stimulator nodes to speed healing and zenned out on pain meds he sat numbly at his station, refusing to stay in the med bay for any longer than was absolutely necessary.

Breeches to the ship's cargo bay were fixed relatively quickly after hiring outside contractors to speed things along, and after eleven more hours of nonstop work the Normandy was in acceptable flight condition. On Miranda's orders Joker set a course to Illium where they would dock to continue any lesser repairs and have some well deserved rest and recovery.

As he waited for his shift relief he stared out into the endless stretch of darkness ahead, wondering how it was possible that so many distant forms of life found each other in the endless sea of stars spinning around the galaxy, and, following that train of thought, questioned how he - once a meek and crippled child - came to be counted among those considered galactic heroes when he felt anything but.

Glancing around the darkened crew quarters in a daze and not remembering how he had made it there he slid into an empty rack, only bothering to remove his boots and hat. He sighed heavily as the weight of desolation crept into his chest, leaving him feeling worn and weary. Closing his eyes he attempted to allow his worries to subside, but as lethargy pulled him deep into sleep he dreamed of eyes, widened in fear and blinded with tears of anguish.

* * *

><p>The ship was peaceful, but the evidence of inhabitants could be seen and heard throughout. People murmuring quietly together in the mess area, the smell of food being prepared at the kitchen, and the airy whooshing of doors opening to be walked through brought the ship back to life.<p>

Shepard had allowed herself only enough time after overseeing repairs to go over the information EDI had supplied and scrub herself of the sweat and grime that covered her from head to toe before she went to speak with every member of the ship. She wanted the crew to know that she valued their commitment to the mission and she invited all to remain even with her breaking ties to Cerberus. She was immensely pleased when the majority agreed to stay, only a few opting to return to families and lives of less danger.

Before leaving Omega Zaeed had left, having fulfilled his contract. Legion went on it's way to oversee the reunion of the heretics with the geth, and Jack considered staying but decided against it, citing her inability to stay in one spot for extended periods of time. Samara, needing to continue her life of servitude to the asari Justicar code stayed on Omega as well, hoping to bring some measure of protection and justice to the few innocents there. Once docked at Illium, Kasumi took her leave of the ship, leaving behind mementos of her heists, Grunt was sent to Tuchanka to build his status in clan Urdnot, and Mordin, taking the information gained about the krogan genophage, had plans to return home to visit the family he used as motivation for the Collector mission.

Miranda spoke briefly about hiring a few new crew members before heading out to spend time with her sister. When she caught Shepard rubbing at the soreness in her shoulders the woman's face softened as she told her to get some rest, rare outward concern showing through.

"You're still human, you know. Take care of that body, I put a lot of work into it."

"Will do," Shepard promised. She had gone without rest before, pumped full of stims and slathered in medigel when combat situations hadn't allowed the safety of sedation. Now she could afford to sleep off her injuries but she still had more people to talk to and more repairs to oversee, so it would have to wait.

She stepped from the elevator onto the command deck and looked out ahead past the CIC, wondering briefly if she should just get it over with. The anger she felt when Joker had so callously called her out on Ashley's death had left her furious, but he hadn't said anything that was off base. Facts aside she was quickly tiring of his attitude, and that deterred her from walking to his post.

By the time she said goodnight to Kelly fatigue had begun to pull at her. The staff in the operational terminals corridor had snuck by her and gone off to bed while she was chatting with the yeoman, and she decided to stop by the mess hall to wake herself up before heading back down to the cargo bay to check on repairs.

* * *

><p>Joker sat at the bar of the Port Observation room in the company of an old friend after waking docked at Illium. For the most part he had held the tall glass of liquor in his hand, swishing it around and looking at it. It was more than half full since he had poured it an hour earlier and it just didn't hold the same appeal that it once had. Feeling slightly nauseous he ended up pouring the unfinished remainder down the bar sink.<p>

Deciding that food would be a better way to fill his empty stomach he came upon Shepard standing at the kitchen of the empty mess hall, fumbling with a coffee machine and grumbling to herself. She struggled with the steam vent before shaking the whole thing violently.

"Fuck!"

"Roughing up appliances now, I see," he said, leaning against the counter.

Her head snapped in his direction and she scowled, holding up the machine. "I don't know how to open this fucking thing," she complained, raising her arms as if to smash the object offending her so.

Joker rushed over, taking it from her. "Hey, easy. That's the only one we've got."

"I'll have Gardner pick up one that works. This one has to die."

"You can't beat everything that gives you a hard time into submission," he said, slipping his fingers into a spring loaded compartment to pull the filter basket out, dangling it by its handle before handing it to her. "Here."

She took it grudgingly and emptied the old contents into the trash receptacle. "How the hell does anyone expect me to stop the Reapers when I can't even figure out how to open a damn coffee machine."

"I think there's a bit of a difference between brewing coffee and destroying an entire race of sentient ships hellbent on the destruction of the entire galaxy. Though, I would think the latter would be the more difficult task." He opened an overhead cabinet and grabbed a box of filters, handing it to Shepard before reaching for a canister of coffee. "Still, would it kill you to ask for help?"

"Yes," she huffed as she placed in a fresh filter and filled it with grounds. Joker raised an eyebrow at her as he filled the carafe with water. "It's driving me insane. I can blow an entire enemy base but struggle with the most mundane of tasks."

He grinned and shook his head, reassembling the machine and setting it to brew. "You realize you've just summed up my entire career and day to day life, right?" A frown crossed her features and she folded her arms and leaned a hip against the counter, scanning his legs. Maybe now wasn't a good time but he started anyway. "Listen, about what I said before..."

"Don't worry about it."

"Don't worry? How can you-" he looked at her with a sudden irritation but scrunched his eyes shut and pursed his lips, inhaling deeply through his nose and letting it out through his mouth. "Can you just let me finish, please? I'm not good at apologizing so it'd be helpful if you'd just let me do this."

"Alright."

"I don't blame you for any of those things I said. I just... I'm tired, and I'm sorry I've been taking my bullshit out on you," he blurted out and looked up at her.

"Feel better?"

"A little..." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Not really."

"Well, I appreciate the gesture."

"Okay, cool."

"Sorry I hit you," she added.

"I had it coming," he shrugged.

"Did I hurt you?"

"Nah. Takes more than a slap to break me. You should've asked Alenko for pointers back on Horizon," he said, letting out a short humorless laugh. She looked at him quizzically but he shook his head. "Nevermind. So... what's got you so pissed at the kitchenware?"

"I'm just..." She sighed heavily. "I don't know. I'm off."

"Well, you went through some shit," he shrugged, mimicking her stance. "Kinda hard to come out unscathed."

"It's more than that," she said before glancing around. Stepping closer she leaned in and lowered her voice. "Cerberus put me back together, right?" Joker nodded and she continued. "They say they wanted me as close to original as possible but fit me with all sorts of upgrades and enhancements. Who knows what else is actually going on in my body. For all I know these eyes are camera feeds straight to the Illusive Man."

He studied the dimmed trio of lights in her eyes. "It's possible. They put a lot of time and money into you; it would be wise of them to keep tabs on their investment." A memory of her deathly pale face devoid of any eyes at all flashed through his thoughts and he focused instead on her scarred eyebrow.

"Exactly."

He wouldn't put it past Cerberus to do what she was suggesting, but there was more to consider. He had seen her body and wasn't convinced that physical damage was the only fixing needed, even though Miranda had assured him everything was progressing smoothly. "Or..."

"Or what?"

"Or," he continued, treading lightly, "you went through a trauma and are coping with the fallout." Her face scrunched up in a frown and she leaned back. "It's not uncommon for people who've suffered brain injuries to have difficulty remembering how to do things, Shepard."

"No," she shook her head. "I don't believe for a second that Cerberus helped me in any way. They have an ulterior motive and they're using me to attain it."

"Hey, listen. I don't trust them either, but we needed to take what help we could get. The Alliance abandoned us. The Council was downright relieved when you disappeared and they pretty much told you to keep it that way when you came back. We'll deal with Cerberus when the Reapers are taken care of. For now, we have bigger problems."

"A moto speech? Really?"

"Well, some one's gotta pick up the slack around here." He tilted his head sympathetically. "Look, I'm not dismissing your worries about what Cerberus might have done to you, but, Shepard, what you're going through with the difficulty and frustration is normal. Chakwas can explain it better than I can. Do you want to talk to her?"

"No," she said glumly, staring down at the floor. "Since when do you care anyway?"

His brows knit together and he pouted. "I care."

"You sure have interesting ways of showing it. I recall you suggesting Chambers for this sort of thing."

"Uh, yeah, and I recall that conversation focusing on ex-boyfriend girl talk. As you can see..." he gestured to his body. "Not a chick."

"More like a dick," she muttered.

He narrowed his eyes at her. "What was that?"

"I'm feeling sick." She coughed and sniffled for effect.

"M-hm," he smirked briefly. "Fair enough. I know I've been a _dick_, but I do care." She smiled unconvincingly and shook her head, looking away and waving him off with a hand. "No, I mean it. If you need to talk about what happened..." he paused, nervous about the offer he was submitting, but he could put his own bullshit on the back burner if it would help her get over hers. "If you need to talk about it... I'm here."

Her eyes dropped to the floor sullenly and he felt guilty for even bringing it up. Maybe her current worries overshadowed any lingering issues with being brought back from death. Were his motivations selfish? Had he just added another burden to her shoulders?

She stood there, eyes cast downward, and Joker shifted his feet considering just walking off. The seriousness of her face and the lack of acknowledgement from her was making him uncomfortable. Right before he decided the Port Observation was a good hiding spot she spoke quietly.

"Everything has changed," she murmured. "Every_one_ has changed. Garrus is- he's- and you- Liara. Quiet Liara was threatening to kill people with her mind for fucks sake." Her crossed arms pulled more tightly around her torso so that she was hugging herself as she whispered. "I barely recognize the world I've come back to when it doesn't even feel like I left in the first place."

She looked back up at him and the distress he saw in her unnerved him. Not sure how to proceed he offered her a small smile for comfort. Her frown deepened at his attempt and when her lip quivered she shut her eyes, ducking her head. When a small, sharp intake of breath escaped her he grimaced. Not really the reaction he was going for. Talking about a subject he'd rather avoid was the best he could do. Dealing with a crying woman - especially _this_ woman - wasn't something he was prepared for.

_"_Uh..._" Ah jeez._ "Hey, it's gonna be okay. We're all here for you," he tried. She lowered her face further and shook her head rapidly. _I must be a special breed of asshole to make Commander Shepard cry. "_Okay, com'ere,_"_ he sighed, stepping closer to encircle her in his arms.

She sniffled as her face buried into his shoulder, wetness seeping into the cloth of his shirt. He tried rubbing her back to calm her but it didn't seem to help any, and she unfolded her arms to clutch at the front of his uniform.

_God, this is awkward. _He pulled back slightly and she lifted her face from his shoulder, eyes closed and tears slipping down her cheeks._ Please stop._ He wiped one stream away with the pad of his thumb but another quickly replaced it. _How do I make it stop?_

He searched her face for an answer. When his sight lowered to her still trembling lip he brushed his tear dampened thumb over it, attempting to still it. Her eyes popped open at the contact. Tracing his thumb over her lips again caused them to part, and his eyes raised back to hers to find them watery but no longer brimming over.

Without thinking he leaned in and replaced his thumb with his mouth, tasting the salt of her tears give way to the sweetness of her skin with each caress of his lips on hers, slow and feather soft. Her hands that had been clutching at his shirt flattened against his chest and he pulled her closer to him.

Without warning he was stumbling backwards.

"Joker, what the fuck?" She all but shouted, looking at him bewildered as she wiped any remaining wetness from her face.

"Uh... sorry," he said dumbly. Well, she wasn't crying anymore, however this was awkward in a completely different way.

She hurried past him, hand wiping at her mouth. Joker stood with his back to the counter, hands resting on the surface on either side of him as he watched her walk out of sight behind the elevator shaft.

"Ah, shit." He blew out a breath and shook his head but stopped when he pulled his lips into his mouth and still tasted her there. Upon freeing them a hint of a smile began to form as he entertained a thought. "Huh."

She had kissed him back.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Smoochie woochies. Not exactly of the romantic variety... but it opens some doors. Where will they lead?**


	5. Chapter 5

**_**Disclaimer:** _**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Mass Effect © BioWare._

* * *

><p><strong>Breaking the Barrier<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5<strong>

* * *

><p>Shepard stepped into her quarters and immediately started pacing back and forth in front of her empty aquarium, one arm across her torso and the other propped up, fingers pulling at her lips. The lips he had touched - that he had kissed.<p>

Her surprise had quickly turned to confusion. Why had he done that? What the hell was he thinking? What the hell was _she_ thinking? Confusion gave way to frustration. Even worse was that she had started crying in the first place. She had weathered hardships before and for the most part was able to think on them with a level head, but thinking on changes in her friends and the barrier wavered. Even the death of Ashley - though cause of great remorse and a topic that when breached without tact easily angered her - didn't cause her emotional break downs. When had she gone soft? What had Cerberus _done_ to her?

With each question her pacing hastened until she was squeezing her hands into fists. She stopped at the sight of her eyes aflame with the intensity of her emotions reflecting back at her on the surface of the fish tank. Unnatural. Robotic. Fucking creepy. They weren't hers, and she couldn't trust them. A growl escaped her and she rushed to punch at the mirrored image, causing a web of cracks to form.

"Damn it." She picked at a thin slice of skin ripped from her knuckle. What she needed was a sparring partner but Garrus was recovering from the gut shot he had received courtesy of the Collectors, and Thane was in just as bad - if not worse - shape with the strain to his lungs during the exhausting battle.

As she stalked over to her work area to place an additional service order an unwelcome sight had her eyebrows drawn together in displeasure and her shoulders slumped in defeat. "Are you kidding me?" She tapped at the glass of the terrarium sitting on her book shelf.

Her hamster was dead.

She sighed and grabbed the container. "Sorry, fuzzball," she mumbled as she dumped the contents into the garbage bin to join the broken picture frame that had previously resided on her desk top.

Back into the elevator she went, imputing commands for the lift to bypass all other floors to the engineering deck. Through the windows overlooking the cargo hold she could see contractors amending the shoddy work Omega's services had offered. All looked well and she continued through the room that had housed Zaeed and into the compactor area.

Checking that the outer hatch was sealed she opened the door to the compactor and dumped her trash onto the conveyor belt. She picked up the picture frame, shaking it of fluffy habitat bedding and holding it up. It flickered repeatedly, struggling to show its programmed image before dying out. Plopping the digital frame back down she shut the door, sealing it before using her fist to punch at the airlock release. She watched as the remains of her attempts at care-taking and romance unceremoniously dispersed into space, leaving her feeling discouraged and demoralized.

_Kaidan_. Another person whose change had affected her. But change was natural; It was unrealistic to think that everything would be the same after a two year absence. In the end she had died, and she couldn't begrudge him for moving on. It was the healthy thing to do, and she would have to do the same.

Was he the crux of all this emotional crap? She scowled at the thought. No. Spurned lover was not enough to cause the instability she experienced when the clamp she had on her emotions loosened. Surely Cerberus had left a screw loose in her head when they rebuilt her. Miranda had even confessed to wanting to implant a control chip which, thankfully, the Illusive Man had denied... but that didn't mean she didn't do it.

Control chips and camera eyes. Was she being overly paranoid? Maybe she would bring it up to Chakwas.

On the way out of the cargo room the security systems monitor switched to a view of the empty mess hall. She stopped as she looked over the spot where she and Joker had just stood. That would have to be dealt with. Or ignored. No. Definitely dealt with. She had had enough of second guessing herself.

The camera panned over to the mess tables and movement caught her eye as Miranda's office doors shut. She must be back from visiting her sister. The hiring of new crew would have to be addressed soon, but not before Shepard got some sleep.

Retiring back to her cabin she removed her clothes, tossing them to the floor, and flopped onto her bed heavily. Determined to wake the next day with reinforcement to any chinks in her armor she fell into a deep, dreamless repose.

* * *

><p>For Joker usually any free time was spent browsing the extranet or playing games on his omnitool. If he was in a sour mood he would sit at the ship bar with a drink. When she was still shipboard Kasumi had talked his ear off but he had become adept at tuning out the sound of her unwanted commentary. Now he sat in no company but his own, picking apart the previous days events.<p>

A kiss. A single, brief, impulsive kiss.

He couldn't stop thinking about it. Shepard had ended up pushing him away but her lips moving in response to his hadn't been imagined, and he had wondered what that could mean. Their split second moment of whatever-it-was played through his mind along with stimulating ideas of secret affections brought to light.

Alone in the bridge he indulged fantasies of different reactions from her.

_He traced his thumb over her parted lips, feeling her breaths quicken and then hitch when he moved his arm to her back to pull her flush against him. Dipping his head he used the tip of his nose to gently nudge hers, making her tilt her chin up. He relished the heat of her breath on his mouth as he ran his lips delicately across hers before capturing them with his own._

_His kiss was soft and warm and inviting, and Shepard sighed into him, bringing her arms to rest against his shoulders as she ran her fingers through the hair at the base of his neck. Their lips moved slowly together and he could feel her shiver when his fingers slipped under the hem of her shirt, trailing around on the small of her back, making her gasp._

_He seized the opportunity her open mouth presented and when his tongue brushed against hers she reacted violently, moaning as she wrapped her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. His hands on her back traveled slowly up and down the smooth skin of her sides before forcefully pulling her hips into his own that were beginning to strain with need._

_She pulled away from him only to catch her breath; her lips, flushed a rosy pink from their kissing parted as she opened her mouth to confess her attraction._

"Logged: the Commanding Officer is aboard. Helmsman Moreau stands relieved."

_Huh?_

Joker blinked and and sat up with a start, breathing heavily - the contents of his day dream still swimming about in the forefront of his mind.

"Jesus, I've gotta get a grip," he muttered, taking a deep breath and letting it out in a huff as he adjusted himself uncomfortably in his seat.

"What'd you say?"

He twisted around, startled to find Shepard standing in the corridor, Miranda and Jacob stepping out of the airlock behind her.

"What? Nothing. I, uh... erm..." he stuttered, trying to think of something as he removed his cap and set it in his lap, effectively hiding any evidence of his arousal. "How was your shopping expedition?" He asked, noticing the bags in their hands.

"Long," Jacob muttered.

Miranda folded her arms. "No one forced you go, Jacob."

"I know, but when you said you were heading to the weapons shop I didn't think you'd be hitting every kiosk along the way," he complained, raising his arms with the multitude of bags he was carrying.

Joker watched Shepard roll her eyes at the two, and let his own wander over her. He cared for her, of course, but the friendliest term he would have admitted to was buddy-to-bullshit-with, while the most accurate that he would never admit to being savior-to-be-atoned-with. Suddenly he found himself looking at her from a different point of view.

He had never considered making a pass at crew mates with too much opportunity for things to go awry and be stuck in close quarters with bad air, but there was something about this woman that apparently made men throw away any caution in regards to military regs. Kaidan case in point. He wasn't a concern now, though. Joker snickered, getting the attention of Jacob.

"You should have warned me when you saw me leave with them," he said to the pilot.

"And deny you the privilege of spending hours and hours watching women discuss the pros and cons of heels in combat? Nah." Miranda glared at him icily before strutting down the catwalk, removing any lingering excitement from his body.

"Thank you, Jacob." Shepard took some bags from him.

"I'm going to go put these things away," he said, lifting his bags. "You going to join us in engineering for poker later?"

"I've got some things to take care of. I'll have to catch the next game."

"Joker?"

He shook his head and put his cap back on. "Think I'm gonna sit this one out."

"Alright," Jacob nodded and walked off, leaving Shepard and Joker alone at the helm.

He took another moment to look at her. The form fitting Cerberus uniform hugged her in all the right places and he wondered if the skin underneath was as soft as he imagined it was. He had a sudden urge to replay his fabricated kitchen encounter. Her face reddened as she turned back around to catch him ogling her, and his flushed in embarrassment at getting caught.

They both spoke at the same time.

"There will be a newly hired co-pilot coming in today."

"I've got systems upgrades to check, so..." _Wait. What?_ His face shot back in her direction. "Co-pilot? What the hell for?"

"You've been falling asleep at the helm, Joker. Once is one time too many."

He kicked himself mentally before thinking up an excuse. "I transferred control to EDI before nodding off."

Shepard shook her head. "This was going on even before EDI was unshackled."

"I've engaged auto-pilot before but not when we're about to hit a relay or come into port. Come on. Cut me some slack."

"Auto-pilot won't save us from a surprise attack. You should know better. It's dangerous and unacceptable, especially given our recent break from Cerberus."

"But EDI-"

"Is an AI that was constructed _by Cerberus_. As much as I'd like to trust it I don't any more than I do the Illusive Man. Now, my options were either be on your ass about calling up relief or hire a co-pilot, and I don't have time to baby-sit."

_Baby-sit? _He was reminded of all the years he'd needed constant care, unable to do anything for himself until he had gained independence at flight school. "I don't need a fucking care taker and I sure as shit don't need a co-pilot."

"It's not up for discussion," she said stonily as she looked down at him. "I am your captain and you will do as I say or you will get off of my ship."

_Her _ship_? Please._ This was _his_ ship. It moved under his skilled expertise and if he left no one would be able to fly it even half as well as he could. Besides, this was his home. He belonged here. Surely she wouldn't make him leave... Would she?

The severe visage of her face said otherwise.

"Aye, aye, Commander," he forced out.

Co-pilot? Fine. He would make sure that they were gone before the next days end.

* * *

><p>Shepard walked with purpose as she left Miranda's office, the new pilot keeping pace with her as she escorted her to the bridge. The young woman's professional demeanor was belied by her eagerness to be at the helm of the Normandy class ship, only having had piloted during her time as a helmsman for an Alliance frigate flotilla.<p>

Shepard gave her the run down as they walked. "Some days we shut down criminals, some days we diffuse nukes, some days we like to enjoy private vices. Your free time is your own. Follow orders and perform to the best of your ability while on duty and you'll be fine."

The woman nodded. "Understood, ma'am."

She held her arm out motioning for them to enter the elevator. "I prefer 'Commander' when addressed by rank. Otherwise 'Shepard' works fine. We're a bit informal here. It works for the most part."

"I see," she smiled and entered the lift. "Well, if informality is the norm I insist you call me Lexi."

"Alright, Lexi. As co-pilot you should know that the Normandy is equipped with an Enhanced Defense Intelligence referred to as 'EDI'."

"An AI?"

"Yes. You should also know that recent events have given us cause to unleash the AI's restrictions. It has full access to ship functions but is still bound by programming." The pair stepped out of the elevator and onto the command deck.

"Commander, I gotta say that the thought of an AI with free range of the ship makes me pretty uneasy. I heard some pretty horrific stories back in flight school."

Shepard nodded as they continued past the CIC. "I understand your concern, and the issue is not something I take lightly. If worse comes to worse myself and two of my assault team have dealt with rogue AIs in the past. I'm confident we could handle it again. You can find holographic terminals throughout the ship to interact with EDI if you have any specific questions."

As they approached the bridge Joker stood, arms crossed and leaning against the back of the pilot seat.

"This is Chief Helmsman Moreau." His head tilted to the side and he narrowed his eyes at the new crew member, whose eyebrows had risen nearly into her hairline. Shepard watched them as they examined each other. "When he is at the helm you are to assist him in whatever way necessary. During flight operations if he is in any way unable to perform you will take the helm. During periods of docking you may leave the bridge unattended. Crewman Hawthorne will provide relief for skeleton shifts."

Lexi nodded and pulled her eyes back to Shepard. "Very well, Commander."

"I'll leave you two to it." She glanced at Joker before leaving, his eyes fixated on the new co-pilot.

* * *

><p>The girl looked familiar. He had seen her before... somewhere. Tight spirals of dark hair were pushed back from her mocha skinned face with a patterned band of cloth. Striking gray eyes framed by long dark lashes held an expression of surprised recognition at him as well.<p>

He hoped she wasn't some drunken one night stand. That would be just perfect. But they were on Illium... the chances of running into someone from Arcturus were practically nil.

"Have we met before?" He asked warily.

She nodded. "Yes sir, you were my flight school instructor a couple years ago. You probably don't remember me, though." She held out her hand. "Alexis Jackson."

He breathed a sigh of relief as his memory was jogged and he waved her hand away. "Jackson. Right. No, actually I do remember you. Everyone called you Jax?" She nodded and smiled broadly. "You were... very enthusiastic."

What he meant was she was an annoying little kiss-ass. She was good, though - top of her class. If he had been a better instructor he would have encouraged her passion instead of giving her the same textbook lessons that every other middle of the road student got, but at the time he hadn't been in a place to offer anything to anyone.

Perhaps this could be another chance to right a wrong. Maybe this one he actually had a shot at. Regret was such a pain in the ass.

So much for sabotage.

"So what brings you to Illium? Bit of a jump from Alliance space." He sat atop the flight station partition and she plopped down into the Weapons Operations station to the right of the pilot seat.

"My mom. She moved out here a few years ago - she was really into asari culture and decided to open her clothing store here. I was barely a year into my first duty station when I requested early separation to come out here to take care of her after she got sick. She passed away not long after."

"My mother died when I was about your age." Joker didn't know if he was saying it to her so much as to himself. The momentary lapse in careful consideration caught him off guard, and he cleared his throat before changing the subject. "You had a real talent at the helm. I'm sure you would have had an impressive career."

"I like to think so..." She sighed. "Family came first, though. I've been piloting transport vessels the past year. It's really, really boring. I had to at least try for this position, and to be lucky enough that I'll be working under Shepard? And then my instructor is here? You guys are like, the best of the best. This is a dream job."

"You have no idea what you signed up for, do you?"

"Well... I'm working on a Normandy frigate that belongs to a Spectre. I'm not exactly expecting to be bored."

"We'll see." He nodded. "Can't say that I was thrilled at the thought of sharing my bridge, but I think you'll work out just fine."

"Thank you, sir." She beamed at him.

"None of this 'sir' crap, though." He waved a hand at her as he moved to sit back in his rightful seat. "I'm not your instructor anymore. Call me Joker."

"...Joker?"

"Yeah. You're Jax. I'm Joker. Callsigns, kid. Use 'em."

"If you say so, sir." He raised an eyebrow at her and she giggled. "Kidding, kidding."

They settled into comfortable silence as Joker ran his system checks and Jax acquainted herself with the weapons interface. As long as she recognized his seniority he felt secure in his position. ...He might even be able to use her presence to his advantage.

* * *

><p>Returning to the Normandy after interviewing more applicants, Shepard heard the sound of merriment floating out of the helm and into the systems corridor.<p>

Lexi was sitting on the arm of Joker's seat grasping the headrest with one arm and slapping her thigh with the other, throwing her head back in a fit of laughter. Joker chortled heartily, swiveling his seat when Shepard cleared her throat.

"Hey Shepard!" Lexi waved and flashed her bright teeth in a radiant grin as she stood. "Man, I'm starving. Gonna go see if Gardner has something good whipped up. You want anything while I'm down there, Joker?"

"If you could bring me a coffee on your way back that would be great. Black, two sugars."

"Sure thing!" She skipped away, practically emanating joy. The girl reminded Shepard of Kelly. Up beat. Friendly. Cheerful to an annoying degree.

"Commander. What can I do for you?" Joker asked, smiling pleasantly as he pushed the brim of his cap up.

Shepard stood with her hands clasped behind her back. "I assume everything is going well up here?"

"Yeah, actually. Jax is great."

"Jax?"

"Yeah, Jax. Her and I go way back. Small galaxy, huh? I was worried you might pick up some old patronizing asari. Looks like I lucked out on a former student with an instructor fetish, all lithe and sexy and... Ah never mind."

Shepard's jaw clenched so tightly she thought her teeth might shatter. "Keep it in your pants and save it for shore leave, Joker."

"I won't let distractions keep me from my job, Commander. Jeez, between you, Dr. Chakwas, and EDI it's like I've got a mom on my back twenty-four seven. You guys take shifts or something?"

"I am not trying to be your mother," she said indignantly, crossing her arms.

"Right, right. You don't have time to baby-sit. That's fine. Jax will keep me entertained. All night long if need be."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "You know, while we're docked you can go find someone who doesn't reside on this ship to proposition. I'm sure there are plenty of ladies that'd jump at the chance to hop in the sack with the pilot who defeated Sovereign."

"What do you think I did after the Alliance grounded me? Nothing to do but drink and get laid to pass the time."

Her mouth gaped for a second before she found her tongue again. "You're shameless."

"What? I'm just being honest. I've got needs," he defended.

"Well satisfy your needs somewhere other than on my ship."

"So you're bringing back frat regs then?"

"No, I'm not implementing frat regs." She was beginning to get flustered. "Just... don't."

Joker tapped his fingers on his armrest as he looked up at her, smiling. "Understood, Commander."

She wanted to smack the smug expression off of his face. She wanted to tell Lexi - Jax - whatever her name was to keep herself in check. She wanted to know why she was getting so worked up at the thought of him with other women. Most of all, as she stalked away from the bridge, she wanted to know why the irritation she felt towards him was accompanied by a thunderous pounding of her heart within her chest.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Fun (or not so fun) fact: Alexis Jackson was originally going to be a serious asari maiden named Sura. Joker almost got that patronizing asari he feared.  
><strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**_**Disclaimer:** _**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Mass Effect © BioWare._

* * *

><p><strong>Breaking the Barrier<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6<strong>

* * *

><p>"Are your meditations not helping, Siha?" Thane asked from across the small table they were sitting at.<p>

"Not today, I'm afraid."

Shepard had been sitting with him for over an hour trying to relax her shoulders and empty her mind, but the only changes in her were an ache in her hip and increasingly bothersome thoughts of stretching their credits to pay for repairs and food stores, traitorous wiretapped eyes, and Joker and Lexi alone in the helm late at night.

The drell lowered his clasped hands from his chin to rest on the table top. "Would you prefer conversation to silence?"

"I think I need to work everything out in my head first."

"Understandable."

"How are you feeling?" Turning the attention back on him was safe.

"Much better," he smiled at her. "The medication Dr. Chakwas has given me provides great relief to my lungs. I am quite comfortable."

"That's good to hear. Have you reconsidered applying for a donor? You would certainly qualify."

"There are others far more deserving than myself, Siha. You have provided me the opportunity to atone for my sins, and I pray that among my other deeds it will be enough to reunite my soul with Irikah's when I greet the sea. Regardless, I have made peace with my fate."

She placed her hands over his and nodded. The serenity with which he spoke of his imminent end grieved her. Without his consent she was helpless to aid him, and out of selfish need to protect herself from loss she had begun to refrain from sharing thoughts with him during their visits, opting for long stretches of quiet contemplation.

"We should be leaving for the Citadel within the week. Have you spoken with Kolyat since we last saw him?"

Thane's glossy obsidian eyes shifted to the table. "I have not."

"Do you plan on visiting him once we've docked?"

"I have considered it." His short answers gave her the impression that he was done talking, and she gave his hands a final squeeze before standing.

"Okay. I've taken enough of your time for now." She smiled dolefully as she gathered a pile of folders. "The offer of my apartment on Intai'sei still stands if you would like to spend time there."

"I would. ...Perhaps Kolyat would join me." He closed his eyes and returned his hands to his chin. "Thank you, Siha."

* * *

><p>Shepard walked towards the elevator, fanning herself with the folders she held. Dossiers for engineers and mechanics. Beyond her area of judgment. As the doors opened she was greeted by Tali.<p>

"Hi Shepard," her feminine voice filtered out through her external suit speakers cheerily. "What are you up to?"

"Looking over applicants for possible hiring. I was just headed down to see if you would check out the engineering potentials. You have more of an eye for what to look for in that department and will be supervising them anyway."

"Of course." Tali took the folders from her and tucked them under her arm. "I was just on my way to visit Garrus in medical. Maybe play some poker. Would you like to join us?"

She was still aggravated by the thoughts that had been running rampant in her mind all morning; the company of friends sounded like a good distraction. "Yeah, I would."

* * *

><p>Shepard and Tali gazed down at Garrus. His face was turned towards them bandaged side up, and his mouth was slightly ajar to reveal pointy conical teeth. Blankets were piled under his rounded back and under his neck for a makeshift pillow as he slept.<p>

She looked over the damaged plating of his stomach where he had suffered the bullet wound. The cratered surface was nowhere close to resembling the marred texture of his face.

"Looks like it didn't go through," she whispered to Tali who nodded in agreement.

"It will probably just cause mild discomfort. I'm surprised Dr. Chakwas hasn't released him yet."

"I stopped by earlier and he was asleep then, too. The rest is needed - guy's been by my side non-stop since we picked him up. He deserves some peace; I wish I could give it to him."

"Knew you had a thing for me," Garrus mumbled.

"Nice of you to join us. How're you feeling?" She asked. "And why does everyone suddenly think I'm hot for them?"

"Just a little sore. I'm fit for duty when you need me," he answered as Tali helped him sit up. "Who's everyone?"

"You, apparently," she jabbed at his arm with a finger. "Mordin... Joker."

"Mordin? Really, Shepard? Oh, Keelah!" Tali laughed.

"Ha ha," she groused. "Laugh it up, Tali."

Garrus let his legs hang over the side of the bed, Shepard and Tali settling on either side of him. "So are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Hot for us?" He smirked, mandibles flaring.

She scrunched her nose up. "Um... Not really into xeno action. No offense."

"We're even on that account."

Tali leaned forward to peer around Garrus. "What about Joker?"

"What about him?" She said dryly. "He's an asshole."

Garrus shook his head. "That's not an answer."

"Joker... Ugh." She hesitated, rubbing her hands over her face. These were her closest friends. When she couldn't trust herself she knew she could trust them. Her hands muffled her words. "We- he kissed me."

"He kissed you?" Tali echoed before sighing wistfully. "Quarians can't kiss. Not anymore."

"Being turian I'm not really familiar with the subtleties of human affections," Garrus said. "I suppose the severity of this is lost on me." Shepard groaned, pulling her hands down her face. "That bad?"

"He's just... he's _such_ an asshole."

"So we've established that I'm an asshole." She spun around as Joker rose from behind an examination table, wiping at his forehead with a towel. "Well don't stop on my account. By all means, tell me how you really feel."

"What were you doing down there?" She noted that he was free of his Cerberus uniform as he walked past them to rifle through the cabinets, barefooted and wearing the issued physical training shorts and sweatshirt.

"Eavesdropping," he responded as he swallowed down a variety of pills.

She turned to Garrus, glaring. "Did you know he was here?"

He held up his hands in surrender. "I've been asleep. You woke me up, remember?"

"What are you doing in here?" She asked again.

"Working out."

"In here? What about your ribs?"

"Not a problem." He dropped the towel in a dirty linen bag and walked to the door. "Anyway, I'm going. You're free to continue talking shit."

"Wait." Shepard slid from the table and he stopped and turned back, looking at her unenthusiastically. She glanced back at Garrus and Tali watching them from their perches on the bed and lowered her voice. "We need to talk."

* * *

><p>Joker lay on the floor of the med bay, resting on his elbows with his leg stretched out at a forty-five degree angle in front of him. The need for physical therapy hadn't been removed when he received his upgrades; if he wanted to even think about being able to walk without braces he had to keep his muscles conditioned in order to save his still weak bones from unnecessary strain.<p>

His stomach quivered and his leg shook with the effort it took to keep it raised. Reaching the point of exhaustion he collapsed onto the floor and breathed deeply before continuing with his second round of reps on the other leg. The moment he heard people enter the room he stilled his exercises.

Shepard and Tali had come to visit Garrus. He listened idly at their casual banter, but his ears perked up at the mention of his name. Garrus asked if Shepard was attracted to any of the people she had mentioned - his name among them. She denied the aliens.

"What about Joker?" Tali asked.

He held his breath. _Yes, what about Joker?_

Any hint of excited anticipation subsided at her response.

"What about him? He's an asshole."

He frowned.

Garrus didn't buy into her response, and she shared their moment in the kitchen with her friends. Joker didn't like that. It was private. Though the "_we_ kissed" that she quickly changed to "_he _kissed" didn't escape his notice.

_Yes, Shepard. _We_. In denial much?_

And then more from her about him being an asshole again. Alright. He got it. He was an asshole.

He might have laughed at Shepard's surprised expression when he stood and spoke up if he wasn't feeling put out by her persistent assessment of him. All of her questions were met with honest answers as he made ready to leave. The Doc wouldn't have to know that he hadn't finished his bi-weekly regimen.

When she called out to him to wait he stopped and turned, looking at her expectantly as she approached.

"We need to talk."

"What about?"

She looked at him pointedly. "You know what about."

"Hm... Another lecture about acceptable shipboard behavior between consenting crew mates?" She raised an eyebrow at him. "Not that. Okay. Hm, hm, hm..." Joker folded an arm across his chest and cupped his chin with the other hand, tapping a finger against his lips. "Oh, I know. You mean when you kissed me?"

"That's not how I remember it."

An audacious smile pulled at his mouth. "I'm not so sure... Maybe I could use a refresher." She humbled him with steely eyes, efficiently wiping the grin from his face. "You're gonna hit me again, aren't you?"

"You hit Joker?" Tali asked in astonishment. Shepard flinched. "He looks okay..."

"What happened?" Garrus demanded as he walked over, mandibles tight to his face.

"An argument. It's not a big deal," she dismissed as Garrus bumped her to the side to stand over Joker who paled and took a step back from the turian.

"Nothing," he swallowed.

"I can see the lie on your face, human. What did you say that would compel her to strike you?"

"Um, I uh..." He panicked and smacked himself internally for having said anything. If Garrus knew what he'd said that had caused her to hit him he'd probably hit him too, and that would leave a much more painful and lasting outcome. _No fucking thanks_, he thought as he looked over at Shepard for help.

For a moment it looked as if she might leave him to flounder. The sympathetic woman in her came to his aid. "Stand down, Garrus. We've put it to rights."

"Come on, Garrus." Tali appeared at his side, grabbing an arm. "Let's find you something dextro-friendly to eat."

Only after Shepard nodded did Garrus move, stopping to growl lowly at Joker as he passed. "Do anything to elicit such a response from her again and her fists will be the least of your worries."

Joker and Shepard stood alone in the med bay. He was abashed at having been chastised and threatened by her intimidating friend in the company of witnesses, but couldn't deny that he deserved it. He realized that they were standing in much the same position from the time that the original argument had transpired and a similar feeling of regret washed over him as he looked to her. She was watching Garrus and Tali through the windows separating the infirmary from the mess hall with half lidded eyes. They had been docked at Illium for nearly a week. Had she slept at all?

"You look tired."

She shrugged. "I'll rest when I'm dead." Joker looked at her incredulously and she turned back to him. "Too soon?"

"Yeah. For those of us who gave a shit."

"Sorry."

He shook his head, tired of beating around the bush, and took advantage of the opening. "You're not the one who should be apologizing..."

"Don't," she sighed. "We've tried talking. It's not a good idea. If you want confessional go to Chambers. I don't want to talk about it anymore."

She was right. Every time they tried talking about anything it ended badly, but he was tired of avoidance. He was tired of feeling the way he did all the time. "Well maybe I do."

"I was just doing my job. We both were. Get over it," she barked at him. "I have enough bullshit to deal with. I don't need this."

He was effectively shocked at her words._ Get over it?_ As if he wanted to live the rest of his life wracked with guilt and afflicted with horrible dreams. _Get over it?_ Apparently he'd have to get over it on his own. "Fine, whatever, but I'll remind you that you're the one who said we needed to talk."

"Not about that."

"What then?" He raised his hands. "What topic is safe to talk about with you? Are we even gonna talk at all, or are you just gonna get on me about my shitty behavior?"

"Why did you do that?"

"Do what?" He'd done lots of things. Could she be any more vague?

She crossed her arms and jutted out a hip. "In the kitchen - you kissed me. What the hell was that?"

The bravado with which he egged her on vanished. Any nerve he had mustered at the thought of their interaction dissipated leaving only insecurity. _Yeah. What was that? Not just shutting her up. Not anymore. What then? _"I dunno."

"Why'd you do that? A hug I understand, but I mean... you _kissed_ me."

_And you kissed me back. _Heat rose to his face, spreading to his neck and he scratched at the back of his collar. He shrugged. "I just... I don't know. You were crying."

"I'm aware. Look..."

"I wasn't thinking, alright?" He interrupted her. Obviously he had over-thought her reaction. "I was out of line and it won't happen again, Commander."

"I think we're beyond rank now, Joker."

"Beyond rank? Shit, Shepard, you pulled rank on me just the other day. I never know where we stand. It's exhausting. I'm tired of the bullshit."

"I could say the same thing."

He sighed heavily and ran a hand through his unkept hair. "I know, and I told you I was sorry. I'll say it as many times as you need to hear it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he repeated, trying to draw out any kind of reaction from her. "I'm an asshole, and I'm sorry. I'm a sorry asshole." His spirits lifted slightly at the sight of her covering a hint of a smile.

"You're not an asshole." She gave up hiding and let her hand drop. "I'm sorry, too. If you want to talk-"

"Only if you want to," he shook his head and tucked nervous hands under his arms. The genial honesty of their conversation left him feeling exposed and defenseless, but he found that - afraid as he was - he wanted to open up to her.

"Okay, um..." She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and chewed her lip. She looked almost as apprehensive as he felt. "We can talk over drinks later?"

Joker exhaled in relief at her suggestion. "Drinks. Yeah. That sounds great."

"Meet you at the port observation in an hour?"

"Sure," he nodded.

She bobbed her head. "Alright."

They stood there, nodding like idiots for a few moments before Joker let out a laugh. "Okay, I'm gonna go change."

"Right. I'll see you in a bit."

The thought of sitting down and talking about anything serious with her stirred a flurry of jitters through him, but that wasn't anything a little liquid courage couldn't handle. This wouldn't be so bad.

* * *

><p>Any ideas of deep conversation were tossed to the wayside once the first bottle of alcohol was opened. Joker was drinking himself into loose abandonment with Shepard matching him shot for shot. It was an unspoken competition and he was winning. He had the advantage in that his tolerance was much higher after a year of binging while she lay in her coma like state. By the fourth drink her eyelids were drooping and she was smiling like a fool. Apparently she was a happy drunk.<p>

She cackled delightedly as he recounted the time he asked the red head about her cockpit.

"Oh my god, did you really say that?" She slurred slightly as she attempted to pour herself another drink.

"Yup," he admitted, having the grace to look chagrined. "I am an asshole after all."

"I'm sure she thinks so."

"What, you don't anymore?"

Shepard shrugged. "I'm learning to brush off your moods. Your being a brat is nothing personal I think."

"From asshole to brat, huh? Alright, I'll take that," he said, taking a swill of his drink. "So, you got a handle on your boyfriend or do I gotta get myself a body guard?"

"Boyfriend?"

"Yeah. Garrus was about to shove his foot up my ass when I slipped up about our little altercation. He is fucking scary."

She smiled to herself and brought her drink to her lips. "He's not scary, he's just protective."

"Scares the shit outta me. I like old Garrus better," he muttered, finishing off his glass.

"And if you were eavesdropping properly you would know he's not my boyfriend. I don't have one of those, nor do I have need of one."

"Me neither. Girlfriend, I mean. Relationships come with baggage. Best to stick to reliable and temporary sources for satiating basic needs."

"Do I need to remind you which sources are off limits?"

"What, Jax?" He laughed as he refilled his cup. "I was just being a dick when I said that shit. That kid annoys the hell outta me half the time. She worse than Chambers."

"Their sunny dispositions are a bit much." Shepard made a face and Joker chuckled.

"Yeah. And I just don't think of 'em that way. You won't catch me putting the moves on either of them," he added, winking. She grinned at him and opened her mouth before biting her lip. "What?"

"Um... Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

A blush covered her cheeks and she took a sip of her drink. "How'd you manage to... _you know_... without breaking anything?"

"Jesus, Shepard. You want a rundown of my strategy?" His blush matched her own and he grinned down into his glass. "To answer your question: very carefully."

"Sorry, I'm just curious. I mean, wouldn't all the thrusting have broken your hips or something?"

He groaned audibly. "Oh my god. Please, shut up."

She laughed in amusement. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"No, you're turning me on with all your sexy talk," he replied sarcastically.

She giggled and buried her face back in her glass. _She's so damn cute when she giggles_. Her blush intensified when she looked back up to see him watching her, and she bit her lip again. _Now _that's_ just sexy_.

Maybe it was the culmination of all of his seductive thoughts of her over the past few days. Maybe it was the liquor. Maybe it was nothing more than a selfish desire to get off. Whatever it was compelled him to speak without thinking. "You know, I was only half kidding when I suggested you and I make an arrangement."

She dipped her fingers into her glass and flicked them at him. "Are you fucking with me, Moreau?"

_I'd like to be..._ _Nah, too easy,_ he smirked and wiped at his shirt. "I'm being totally serious right now."

"I haven't been shot in the head nearly enough times for that to seem like a good idea. If you're so damn itchy I order you to go rub one out."

"Pfft, we're not in the Alliance or Cerberus anymore. You can't order me to do anything."

"I can do whatever the hell I want - I'm a Spectre," she countered. "I'm also captain of this ship. I could fire your ass if I felt like it."

"Sure," he shrugged nonchalantly, "but good luck finding a pilot who's even half as good as I am at the helm - never mind in bed."

"Your ego knows no bounds..." she rolled her eyes.

"It's not ego. It's fact."

"Says the cripple."

He grasped at his chest and threw his head back dramatically as he flailed his other arm about, spilling most of his drink. "Oh! Strike me where it hurts!"

"This isn't funny, Joker. I'm not laughing so cut it the fuck out." She attempted to stand upright as if to leave, gripping the bar top to steady herself.

"Wait, wait! I'm not messing with you, I swear," he said, setting down his glass and putting his hands in front of him. "Look, we're both adults here. I'm just saying we could both use the stress relief without the strings attached. It's convenient and the occasional distraction from all this saving the galaxy crap would be nice."

"You're really serious, aren't you?" She blinked, putting her hands on her hips and shifting her weight to one foot.

"Hell yeah. I mean, when do any of us ever have the chance to let loose? Liberty's rare - we're always out saving people. Don't we deserve a little something for ourselves in between ports?"

"But what you're suggesting..."

"Is that we'd be doing each other a favor. When's the last time you had some fun? Kaidan two years ago?"

"That's none of your damn business," she snapped.

"Come on. Everyone knew you guys were together. Anyway, the point is it would be a mutually beneficial arrangement. Going at it solo only brings so much gratification."

She snorted. "I don't even have time to think about sex anymore, much less get worked up enough to do something about it."

"Sounds like you need a break."

"Yeah, well, we could all use one," she said, rubbing the side of her face. She looked so tired and Joker knew that even if his motivations were mostly self serving she could really use a release from the daily grind. If a good lay could ease some of her tension he would be more than willing to accommodate that.

_I am such a dirt bag._ "So what do you say? I won't kiss and tell. Promise."

She sighed and cocked her head to the side, nibbling her bottom lip as she looked him up and down.

_Oh my god, she's actually considering it,_ he thought gleefully.

"I'm not drunk enough to even consider that," she snorted. He pouted. "Pour me another."

Had he really just tried to talk her into sleeping with him? In what alternate universe would hitting on your drunk superior be even remotely okay? How much had he had to drink? What number were they on now? "You sure?"

"Hell yeah. Hit me," she said, slapping her palm on the bartop. She smiled as she sat and cupped the drink between her hands. Joker watched as she gulped it down, slamming the empty glass down and letting out a huff as she shook her head and blinked her eyes widely.

He raised an eyebrow at her. "You good now?"

"Huh?"

"You done? Drunk enough?"

"Are you?"

Joker brought himself to his feet and took a heavy step backward and his stomach sloshed uneasily. "Oooh. More than I thought I was."

"You're not gonna fall down and break a hip, are you?" She asked as she stood, catching the toe of her boot on the footrest of her stool and stumbling.

Joker grabbed her shoulder to steady her. "Looks like you should be asking yourself that."

"Whoa, there's all kinds o' gravity in here," she said, wobbling as she regained her balance.

"You're so drunk," he snickered.

She joined him, giggling giddily as they left the observation room and walked clumsily to the elevator.

"This is my shuttle," she jerked her thumb at the open doors of the lift. "I'd offer ya a ride but looks like you're in walkin' distance."

He looked over at the doors to the crew quarters. Ugh. Sleeping in a room full of other people was not appealing.

"I think I'm gonna rack out in Kasumi's old spot."

"Oh, okay. You know, nobody really goes in there. You can have that room to yourself if you want it."

"You serious?"

"Sure," she shrugged before laughing. "Just make sure that one of us remembers that in the morning."

"Right," he grinned.

"Okay."

The urge to lean in towards her dragged at him, and he gazed at her admiringly with heavily lidded eyes. He thanked the stars that she had been sound enough to turn him down on his drunken offer, but he couldn't deny that he wanted her.

"Um... goodnight."

Her words plucked him from his daze.

"Yeah," he whispered hoarsely. "Goodnight."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Alcohol and shameless come ons. Oh dear. Well, what can I say... he's drunk and it's been a while. *nudge nudge* *wink wink***

**Also, I'd like to say thanks for all the reviews, alerts, and favorites. The feedback is encouraging, and I'm happy there are folks enjoying my indulgence.  
><strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**_**Disclaimer:** _**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Mass Effect © BioWare._

* * *

><p><strong>Breaking the Barrier<strong>_  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 7<strong>

* * *

><p>Incessant drumming pounded through her head in a steady tempo, every pulse radiating throughout her a painful reminder that alcohol was a toxin to be avoided. Her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth, thick and sticky, and she ran it across her lips in an attempt to wet them. Sleep laden eyes cracked open and they focused immediately on the clock at her bedside table. Morning hours were nearly over and there was business to attend to.<p>

Shepard pulled herself to the edge of her bed and let her feet fall over the side, hitting the floor heavily. Standing only increased the throbbing in her skull, and she groaned and cradled her head as she walked with dragging steps to her bathroom.

The hot spray of the shower woke her but that only caused her to feel the queasy discomfort in her gut more acutely, and she moved to hover over the toilet using both hands to support herself against the wall, swallowing down the steady flow of saliva that warned her of the impending evacuation of her stomach contents. She dropped down and retched, coughing as she tried to catch her breath between heaving convulsions. A tangy mixture of bile and drool seeped from her open mouth and she spat repeatedly into the toilet before flushing it.

"Oh god," she groaned, crawling back into the spray of the shower. Water poured into her open mouth and she spit it away, ridding herself of any lingering sourness. "Never again."

* * *

><p>Shepard glared at her nemesis darkly. The sleek surface of its armor shone under the bright lights of the room and into her eyes provoking her head to spasm in pain.<p>

"I'm gonna finish you off."

She reached for the coffee pot, swishing around what was left of it before pouring it into a mug and forcing the room temperature liquid down her throat, making a face at the bitter taste.

"Ahh, coffee. Breakfast of galactic champions and hungover drunkards alike." Joker smirked as he passed behind her to lean into the open fridge. "Here, drink this instead." He handed her a plastic bottle.

She set down her mug and opened the bottle, sniffing it before taking a sip. "What is it?"

"Tupari. It'll rehydrate you." He opened his own bottle and leaned against the island across from her. "Vending machine said it was your favorite. I picked you up some when I went out this morning."

"...The vending machine said?"

"Uh-huh."

She had learned about a VI modeled after her, but a vending machine? "Do I even want to know?"

He smiled in amusement and drank from his bottle. "Probably not."

"Thanks." She raised her drink to him and gulped down half of it before rubbing at her head. "Mmf. I feel like shit."

"You and me both."

"Yeah, and you look it. The bags under your eyes could house a colony of pyjaks."

"You wound me." He lifted his hand to his heart and frowned in mock offense. "I'll have you know I've been up since o-seven hundred installing the new holographic interface for the co-pilot _you _insisted on hiring. These sleep deprived bags are evidence of my commitment to this crew. You should be thanking me."

"Well then I thank you, helmsman. Your dedication is duly noted."

"Damn straight."

She finished off the rest of her drink and tossed it away before pressing the heels of her hands into her eyelids.

"Headache?"

"Ungh," she grunted her answer.

Joker pushed himself away from the island counter and set his bottle down. "Here, c'mere." Shepard looked at him warily and leaned back as he raised his hands to her face. He let out a small laugh and pressed his fingertips to either side of her temple. "Relax. I'm not trying to hit on you. I promise."

Memories of the previous night and its topics of conversation flooded her thoughts as she closed her eyes, and she joined him in chuckling. "Oh god. I am never drinking with your desperate ass again."

"If trying to make a drunken move on you makes me desperate, what does that make you?"

"Unattainable."

"Mm. I'd like to challenge that."

Opening her eyes she squinted at him. "I thought you weren't hitting on me."

"I'm not. I'm saying you're totally attainable. Need I remind you of a certain Staff Commander who managed to wheedle his way into your defenses?"

She snorted. "Yeah, and that turned out well. No. I've learned my lesson." A sigh escaped her as the throbbing in her head calmed to a dull ache. "Thanks, I'm good."

Joker removed his hands and moved back across from her to retrieve his drink. "Learned your lesson in regards to what?"

"Shipboard romance. Bad idea." A grumble from her stomach had her turning to open a cabinet, searching through its meager contents before finding some levo-energy bars. "Want one?"

He hummed and nodded in response as he finished off his drink. "Speaking of, did you hear about the engineer that got herself knocked up by the shuttle maintenance guy?"

"What? Where'd you hear that?"

"Kasumi."

"Hm. Must be why they left," she mused as she chewed her breakfast. The mention of their shortage of crew reminded her that she had work to do. "Pregnant. Jesus. Didn't they know there are condoms stashed in the med bay?"

"There are?"

"Yeah. Better safe than sorry with no frat regs. Guess nobody told them. Ya know, I never pegged you for a gossip hound."

"It was unsolicited information," he shrugged. "Apparently Kasumi got a kick out of sneakin' around cloaked to get the dirt on everyone."

"She say anything about me?"

His cheeks were stuffed with energy bar and he let out a sharp breath through his nose, holding in what seemed to be a laugh before swallowing. "Yup."

"Well what did she say?"

"That you look good for a zombie," he giggled. She clucked her tongue and scoffed. "Well, those weren't her _exact _words. Pretty close, though."

"Zombie. Pfuh. I think cyborg is closer to the truth."

"Cyborg. Yeah. Hey, can you shoot red lasers out of your eyes? Cuz that would be awesome." Joker made a gun out of his free hand and brought it up next to his face, pointing it at her. "Pew pew."

"Funny."

He shrugged and shoved the remainder of his food into this mouth.

Thoughts of her eyes still concerned and disturbed her. The doctor had explained that the visibility of the optical cybernetics was due to degeneration of her artificial irises. Shepard wasn't so sure.

"Alright. I got shit to do." She crumpled up her wrapper and tossed it before picking up the files she had brought down, looking over her shoulder at Joker as she walked away. "Thanks for the breakfast."

He smiled and nodded, calling after her. "Anytime, Shepard."

* * *

><p>The doors to the Executive Officers quarters opened to reveal Miranda at her desk, typing away at her terminal.<p>

"Commander," she looked up in surprise and quickly shut down the multitude of displays across her work station. "What can I do for you?"

"You have a minute?"

"Of course," she said, pushing herself up to stand.

"As you were." Shepard flapped the folders against her open palm before dropping them on the desk top. "Dossiers for crew to be hired. I'd like you to go over these and discern which of them are essential to running this ship efficiently. Bear in mind we're not exactly rolling in money. Keep the final list light and call the selected people in."

"Yes ma'am."

"Another thing-" Miranda lifted her perfectly arched eyebrows, listening as Shepard spoke. "I'm ordering that all monitoring devices be disabled and destroyed. I can't focus when I'm being watched all the time. We're not with Cerberus anymore; the surveillance is unnecessary."

"Commander, with all due respect, I disagree," she objected.

Shepard examined her and folded her arms. "Explain."

"Our ship is still identified as a Cerberus vessel which makes us a target for the Alliance, and you alone have a reputation that begs the attention of mercenaries and thugs alike. Who's to say anyone we hire isn't working under cover? Surveillance would help in monitoring the trustworthiness of the new staff coming aboard. I suggest that we keep listening and visual devices intact until we are absolutely certain that they are not required."

"What about your former employer? Don't monitored activities transmit directly to him?"

Miranda shook her head. "The visual records on this ship are localized like any other standard security system. The Illusive Man received reports directly from myself, and I have enabled a firewall that would prevent his comm. signature from linking with the Normandy. Tracking devices have already been deactivated and dismantled."

"Hm." Shepard chewed her lip. That didn't cover all of her security concerns. "What about my eyes? Do I need to worry about them?"

"Your eyes?" Miranda asked, perplexed.

"Don't play innocent with me."

"Commander... I'm not sure what you're implying."

"Cameras," she snapped. "Did you give me cameras for eyes when you rebuilt me?"

"What? No! Why-"

"Because every time I look around I can feel them shifting like machinery," she said as she lifted her hands to either side of her head, wiggling her fingers around. "It's pretty fuckin' disturbing."

Miranda rose from her seat, shaking her head. "Shepard, I swear they are regulation bio-engineered optics. The cybernetics are merely the latest in standard Alliance infantry upgrades. I told you up front about the control chip, why would I lie now about your eyes?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

"Shepard, please." The woman struggled for words. "If I had the documentation I would gladly show it to you. You're just going to have to trust that my intentions are honorable and I have no interest in duplicity."

"We'll see." Shepard narrowed her eyes and rested her hands on her hips. She wanted to believe that everyone on the ship was as trustworthy as the crew of the SR1 had been, but there were no assurances here. As much as she had taken a liking to the staff Miranda was held to a different regard, and her words were not enough to convince Shepard that _she_ wasn't working both sides. "For now, make that list your priority. Get those folks in today. I have other business that can't be attended to until we're done on Illium."

Miranda nodded her head and gathered the folders. "Understood, Commander."

* * *

><p>Joker stood at the desk of his room - his own private room - and rearranged the few personal items he had brought with him from Arcturus and kept in his storage locker in the crew quarters. He didn't particularly care for the bust sitting on the desk top staring at him nor the romance novels that lined the shelves near the bed so they sat stored away in his old locker. The paintings were alright. They got to stay.<p>

The door to his room opened and Miranda entered with a group of strangers.

"Hey, knock before entering. I coulda been in my skivvies. No free shows for newbies."

Miranda looked over at him. "Your things belong in the crew quarters, Mr. Moreau."

"No, they belong here in my room."

She walked over to him as the group looked around. "This is a community area. You cannot claim it as your own."

"Kasumi did," he responded, angling a model of the Normandy SR1 on the corner of the desk.

"Kasumi shared the space with others. This is not _your_ room."

"That's not what Shepard said," he sing-songed.

"Shepard said you could have this room?"

"Yup."

"She never confers with me unless it's to hand something off." Miranda sighed, muttering. "Fine. But we're moving the vid chair and the bar into the Starboard Observation. You can't just take everything for yourself."

"You go ahead and take care of that. I can't do any heavy lifting." She glared at him. "What? Use your biotics."

Pursing her lips, Miranda moved back toward the group. "Alright everyone, this is the helmsman's quarters, who is standing over there. Follow me."

Joker removed his hat and waved it at them as they left.

Ahh. Peace and quiet and tons of space all to himself. His own room.

* * *

><p>"Why don't I get my own room? I'm the co-pilot." Jax complained as Joker watched her run test scenarios at the helm.<p>

"Well, once you successfully drop a rover in a twenty meter landing zone or nail the killing shot on a sentient warship maybe you'll get one too."

"Or I could just hit on the captain."

"What?" How did she know about that? He and Shepard were the only ones in the room the last night. Unless she was spying. Great... another Kasumi.

Jax giggled. "I saw you and the Commander in the mess this morning, all touchy-feely. Someone's sweet on Shepard."

Warmth spread throughout him as his pulse quickened and he folded his arms. "I was helping her with a headache. All we did was eat. It was nothing."

"Ooh. Defensive." The lights in her eyes danced as she grinned up at him. "Deny it all you want. I saw the way you were looking at her."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Mhmm."

He scowled at her. "I'm going to my room. Figure this shit out yourself and send me the results when you're done."

"Bye," she sang.

Joker's face remained in a frown as he made his way to the elevator. He hadn't realized people were watching them earlier. Would Shepard have let him do that if she had known? Maybe she didn't care. She was the captain - she could do whatever she wanted.

Spectators aside, there was no shoving away this time, and she even seemed to have enjoyed it, closing her eyes and sighing. Would she have stopped him if he had leaned in a little closer?

Three men Joker recognized as new crew members entered the elevator as he exited on the crew deck. They were a walking joke.

The redhead talked excitedly. "I gotta see this, man. A human spectre and a drell assassin going at it head to head? Where else you gonna see that?"

"I got ten creds says the drell whoops her ass," said the blond.

The brunette chimed in "Rick, I'll take that bet and raise you twenty. Shepard's bod is lookin' fine and fit. Can't wait to see it in action."

"Deal's on, Steven. That drell's been trained since he was a kid. "

Joker nearly let out a growl at the brunette Steven's comment. No way was he gonna sit in his room while some jackass drooled over her. When the elevator came back up he headed down to the cargo hold and saw the trio walking over to a group of people creating a wall in front of the space between the Hammerhead and the Kodiak.

A round of cheers sounded as he neared and perched himself on top of a crate at the edge of the crowd.

On a mat were Shepard and Thane. She was on top of him with her shirtless back against his leather covered chest. His legs were wrapped around hers with his arms tight under her armpits and hands clasped behind her neck. She pulled at his forearms and wriggled around, freeing herself enough to turn her body against his, straddling him and holding his arms down to the side. In a swift move Thane raised his hips and rolled in a backwards somersault, kicking her off of him.

Garrus was heard from the other side of the group. "You need to work on that, Shepard. I got you with the same move."

She flipped him off as she stood, smirking as she wiped at the damp strands of hair clinging to her forehead with her arm. Joker watched and felt a twinge of excitement as she stretched her arms behind her, pulling the fabric of her sports bra tightly against her chest. Sweat covered her in a thin sheen and her taut stomach glistened under the lights of the hangar bay.

God, she was sexy.

Cracking her neck she and Thane circled each other. He rushed at her, wrapping his arms around her thigh and she jumped up to wrap her free leg around his neck, both of them falling to the deck as she tucked the foot of her trapped leg under her knee to trap his arm and hold his head in a vice.

Steven the brunette spoke up nearby. "Damn. I'd like to feel her thighs wrapped around _my_ face."

Joker fixed a menacing glare at the man. Who the hell was this asshole? The sound of clapping had him looking back over to Shepard as she and Thane stood, shaking hands. The drell brought her hand to his lips and the crowd hooted.

"Hot for Thane now, too, Shepard?" Garrus jibed her.

She laughed and threw a glove at him after removing it. "Fuck you, Vakarian. While you're lazing about in the med bay I'm honing my skills. Soon as you're healed up your ass is mine."

"Ooh, she's got a mouth on her, too," Steven commented to his buddies. "I'd love to see her use it." They snickered and leered at Shepard, grinning.

Joker stood and walked over to the man. He had had enough. "Watch your fuckin' mouth, kid."

The young man looked him up and down with a condescending air. "What the fuck are you gonna do about it, gimpy?"

A flash of a group of Marines sneering at him flew through his mind. _Gimp-ass motherfucker._

A cry sounded out and the man was doubled over, holding his nose as blood seeped from between his fingers.

Joker grunted, pain radiating through his hand as he shook it.

"What the hell is going on over here?" Shepard shouted.

Steven cried out as he pointed at Joker. "He fuckin' hit me! He fuckin' broke my nose!"

"Joker?" She looked to him in complete surprise as she came upon them, followed by Garrus and Thane.

The group looked on at him, waiting to see what unfolded.

Garrus spoke up. "Everyone out." They all looked at him and then to Shepard for confirmation, but she was stuck staring at Joker in disbelief. "Leave." The aggressive tone of his voice and the hard glare of the tall turian had them dispersing with Garrus herding them toward the elevator.

Thane came up to Shepard's side. "Would you like me to stay and assist in this matter?"

"No, that won't be necessary Thane." She tore her eyes away from Joker's to answer him. "You could show Sarino to the med bay, though."

"As you wish, Siha." He bowed his head and pulled away the bleeding human.

Joker eyed Thane as he left. _Siha?_ What kind of weird drell term was that? His attention turned back to Shepard when she spoke up.

"What the hell did you hit him for?"

There was no way he could tell her what the man had said about her. No fucking way. He went with a half truth instead. "He insulted me."

She looked at him incredulously. "So you hit him? With _your _condition?"

Her mention of his disease roused his defenses. "I can fuckin' handle a punch. That shitbag had it coming."

"Joker..." She shook her head and sighed, wiping her hands against her pants and holding them out. "Lemme see." Wounded pride had him cradling his hand and turning away. "Joker, come on. Let me see."

Keeping his face looking in the other direction he pouted as he held his arm out to her. He hated it - being tended to like he was incapable of taking care of himself, and he resented her for being so eager to offer assistance. He didn't want her to be his caretaker. He didn't want anything from her having to do with sympathy or coddling. Right now he only wanted her wrapped around him. He groaned internally at the thought.

He glanced discreetly at her as she delicately cradled his arm, gently running her fingers over the top of his hand. Strands of silky hair fell over her face and she shook her head and puffed at them, trying to keep them from dangling into her eyes.

_Make a move, _his body told him.

Insecurity answered._ What if she tells me to fuck off?_

_Don't be a pussy. Do it. _His thoughts argued back and forth.

Taking a deep breath he lifted his free hand and slowly brought it across himself to tuck her hair behind her ear, but just as he was about to she looked up and he jerked his hand back down to his side.

"Looks okay," she said, smiling and patting his wrist. "You should put some ice on it though, for the swelling."

He rubbed at his hand and fixed his eyes on the floor as they walked to the elevator. The doors closed and she spoke up.

"I can't let this go unpunished, Joker. It would send the wrong message to the new crew."

"I know."

"I'm revoking your liberty for the remainder of the duration we're at Illium."

"Whatever. I rarely leave the ship anyway."

She turned to him and smirked. "I know."

He shook his head and returned her smile. "Thanks."

Joker stepped out onto the crew deck, leaving Shepard inside the elevator. She winked at him as the doors closed. "Anytime, Moreau."

* * *

><p>They were finally leaving Illium for the Citadel. The course was set and it would take just under a day to get there.<p>

Kelly's voice over the local intercom in Shepard's cabin pulled her from her paperwork.

"Commander, Lexi would like to speak with you at the bridge."

Well was it Lexi or Jax? Maybe Jax was reserved for Joker. A twinge of jealousy pricked at Shepard's thoughts as she stacked her papers together neatly on her desk. "Thanks, Kelly. Please tell her I will be there shortly."

"Aye, Ma'am."

Lexi stood leaning against the frame of the interior airlock door, straightening at Shepard's approach.

"I see now why you hired on a co-pilot. I left to hit the head and he was asleep when I got back. Auto-pilot is engaged. That was about thirty minutes ago."

"Go ahead and take a break. Kelly will notify you when you're needed back here."

"Alrighty," she nodded.

Shepard heard unintelligible grumbling as she neared the pilot's chair and peeked her head around it to find him sagging down low into the seat with his chin resting on his chest, arms folded over his stomach and hat upside down on the floor. He snored lightly as she leaned against the bulwark that had become her spot, tilting her head to study his features. Mussy brown hair atop his head stuck out every which way. Worry lines were etched lightly across his forehead, and shadows clung to the circles under his eyes. His beard had been trimmed down recently, leaving a long stubble along his jaw and chin that crept up to hug the edges of his mouth that was pouted out.

The illusion of peace was broken when he muttered again, incoherent but sounding distressed, and she wondered if he was dreaming about her death as he said he had for two years. When his breathing grew ragged she decided enough was enough and went to lean over him, placing a hand on his shoulder and shaking it gently.

"Joker," she said as she shook, but he only answered with a garbled protest. "Joker, wake up," she said more forcefully.

Finally his brows creased and his eyes fluttered open, and when they found hers they widened as he shot up in his seat and grabbed at her.

"Hey, it's okay. You're safe," she assured him.

He came to alertness more quickly than the previous time this had occurred and he released her arm, looking around to take in his surroundings.

"Shit. Sorry," he breathed, rubbing a hand over his face as he recovered himself. Shepard placed her hands on the ledge behind her and leaned back against her previous spot. "I only closed my eyes for a minute. I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm good."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, you just startled me is all." He leaned over his armrest and snatched his hat from the floor, hitting it against his hand to dust it off.

"Really? You were talking in your sleep when I got here."

He paused and his jaw tensed, eyes growing distant before he placed his cap in his lap and shrugged. "Okay. Yeah, I had a bad dream. It's not a big deal. I'm not looking for a shoulder to cry on, alright?" He said, a defensive edge to his voice. Shepard sighed and began to leave but Joker reached out to grasp her hand. "Hey, wait. Thanks, though. You know, for giving a shit."

His thumb ran gently over the tops of her knuckles, and her sight traveled down to linger on her hand entwined with his. Raising her head to look at him questioningly she felt a flutter in her gut to find him staring at her. He brought himself to his feet and reached for her other hand, determination in his eyes as they bore into her own.

The lock of his gaze was steady as he took a step towards her, lifting their hands up between them. Shepard could feel her breaths quicken nervously, and she took a small step backwards, bumping against the metal obstruction behind her. Worrying her brow she searched his eyes, unsure of exactly what was transpiring between them. He paused, dropping his view back to her hands still engulfed in his. Looking back up to her he released one of her hands to lightly brush his fingers against the smooth skin of her neck, up behind her ear and into her hair.

She raised her free hand to his chest. "Joker...?"

"Just tell me to stop," he murmured as his thumb caressed her cheek, his eyes burning into her own.

Unsolicited alarms sounded in her mind. Memories of the last time she had allowed herself to fall into impassioned desire and what it had resulted in warred with what her body now longed for. Her heart thundered wildly in her chest and a nervous thrill raced throughout her as he lifted her hand still held in his over his shoulder, pulling her against him. His fingers dragged against the bare skin of her forearm and up to her shoulder before trailing down the side of her body, coming to rest on the curve of her waist.

As he leaned in towards her she ducked her head, looking up at him timidly through her eyelashes. He closed his eyes and sighed, resting his forehead against hers.

"Please," his breath puffed against her face with the whispered request. "Please."

The tenderness with which he stroked her face had her leaning into his warmth, and she let her hand on his chest slide up to his neck. His eyes opened at her movement and they flickered down to her mouth as she wet her lips with her tongue. He followed suit and licked his own, tilting his head slightly but pausing to raise his eyes back to hers as if asking permission.

Their eyes held each other captive as she lifted her chin and skimmed his lips with hers before testing out a featherlight kiss that he barely caught. He leaned in with his own tentative response. Another unsure kiss followed, and then another. Their eyes closed once lips found purchase and began to move comfortably together.

When she felt his tongue sweep across her bottom lip to beg entrance all warning ceased as she abandoned restraint and opened her mouth to him, tightening her arms around his shoulders and meeting him in a kiss that burned with need. Their tongues grazed languidly together and his hands moved to her back, tugging her shirt free from the waist of her pants and sliding underneath to hold her against him, her flesh igniting under the heat of his touch.

With each brush of of his tongue against hers her body sang with robust longing, and she raised her leg to wrap it around his. He groaned into her mouth and lowered himself to grip her thighs, lifting her onto the ledge behind her before sliding his hands to the undersides of her knees to spread her legs and pull her against him. A moan escaped her mouth when he ground himself into her with the firmness of his arousal, and she grasped at the pockets of his trousers to yank him closer.

"Oh my god."

Shepard and Joker froze for a second before turning to see Lexi standing at the edge of the room with her mouth hanging wide open, a grin forming on her surprised face.

"Jax, get the fuck out of here!" Joker yelled at her.

"Holy shit!" She covered her mouth attempting to stifle a giggle. "Sorry! Holy shit!"

Shepard disentangled herself from Joker, blushing furiously and keeping her eyes glued to the floor as she pulled her fingers through her hair. "I should go."

She scurried away as Joker called after her, and the sound of him yelling at Lexi while the girl laughed delightedly echoed down the corridor after her retreating form.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Jesus, I had a hard time with this chapter. Friendly banter is difficult. I'd like to thank my buddy DragonWyrd for assuring me that things were looking good. If you haven't seen her f!Shep/Joker story Lost & Found yet, go give it a read!**


	8. Chapter 8

_**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Mass Effect © BioWare._

* * *

><p><strong>Breaking the Barrier<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 8<strong>

* * *

><p>"Thrusters: check.<p>

Navigation: check.

Internal emissions sink engaged.

All systems online.

Drift: mid 1500k."

Jax beamed as she read off her systems checks after jumping the Tasale relay into the Fortis system.

Joker tapped his finger against the arm of the neighboring chair, glaring at her. Good jump be damned. She had been giving him grief all night asking nosy questions and making up ridiculous stories about how he and Shepard had always been secret lovers to get a rise out of him when he wouldn't answer.

She sat at the helm now making kissing sounds to the beat of a song he didn't know, bopping her head and dancing in her seat. He was ready to strangle her. When she turned and pointed her fingers at him, poking in time with her obnoxious smooching he ripped the hat from his head and threw it at her.

"Give me that," he demanded, holding out his hand.

"Mine now," she grinned, placing it atop her head, her frizzy curls poofing out beneath it's rim.

"You look stupid."

"Well aren't you a meanie," she took the hat off and tossed it back to him. "I liked you more in flight school. You hardly talked at all."

"And I've never liked you," he said, replacing his cap. "You talk too much."

"Why are you so grouchy? Just because I caught you and Shepard making out? So what? I'm not going to tell anyone. Shouldn't you be happy?"

"I was in the middle of getting happy when you interrupted," he muttered. Joker recalled Shepard's fierce grasp on his waist as she pulled him to her and moaned into his mouth. Jax ruined everything. "You couldn't just keep your mouth shut and walk away."

"Sorry," she giggled. "I was just so shocked. I mean, you guys were dry humping right here in the open." Her eyes bulged out of her head as she stared at the partition between them. "Oh my god. If I hadn't walked in... you guys would have totally done it. Right here."

"I'm not gonna bang anyone at my station. Jesus."

"Oh come on. That's like, every pilot's fantasy. Getting some hottie in the chair and showing him - or her, in your case - how to fly. Things get a little frisky and next thing you know... bow chicka bow-wow."

"You need to spend more time on your simulations and less time fantasizing."

"And you need to lighten up. Seriously. You were pretty intense as an instructor; you're like an unstable vortex now. Seeing you with Shepard in the kitchen is the closest I've ever seen you to being normal."

"I am normal. This is me normal."

"You're hostile," she stated. "I heard about Sarino."

"Who?"

"Sarino. Steven. The guy whose nose you smashed."

Joker narrowed his eyes.

_Shepard's bod is lookin' fine and fit. Can't wait to see it in action. ... I'd like to feel her thighs wrapped around my face. ... Ooh, she's got a mouth on her. I'd love to see her use it._

_What the fuck are you gonna do about it, gimpy? _

"I stand by my actions." He focused on setting jump calculations for the Serpent Nebula.

"Shouldn't that have broken your hand?"

The tone in her voice seemed innocent enough. "No. It's my legs that are affected the worst."

"What happened with that, anyway? You don't use crutches anymore. Did you get better?"

"I got bone structure support upgrades," he answered distractedly.

"Wow... that must have been expensive."

"Covered in my last health plan."

"Oh." She fell quiet finally. It didn't last long. "Listen, I'm sorry I've been giving you crap. I'm just trying to cheer you up. You could stand to smile once in a while."

"I smile when I have something to smile about."

"You were smiling with Shepard."

As if on cue Shepard's voice came over the bridge comm. "Joker. Keep us in the system to scan for resources."

"Roger that." He cast Jax a glance and stood after logging himself out of the terminal. "You've got the helm for scanning. Call me up when we're ready to hit the relay."

* * *

><p>"Alright, Doc. I'm ready to get sweaty." Joker clapped his hands as he walked into the med bay.<p>

She looked up at him from her desk and smiled. "You're enthusiastic today."

"Don't be fooled," he said, walking over to the cabinets to retrieve a mat. "I'm as irate as ever."

"Go ahead and get started on your warm up stretches. I've got some new exercises for you. Lower back strengthening. In time it should help your posture to a degree."

"Good. I'm tired of walking like a ninety year old man."

"It's likely that you will always have some difficulty, Jeff."

He grunted in response as he flopped the mat onto the floor between examination tables, stepping onto its cool surface to begin his routine. He was sitting on the floor, stretching over an extended leg as he finished his warm ups when the med bay doors opened.

* * *

><p>Shepard stood in front of her bathroom mirror examining her face after her morning shower. The scars along her cheeks were healing and the cybernetic glow was no longer visible. They didn't concern her. She had gotten scars before that she wore proudly. Even the newer marks on her body that weren't gained from battle were at least evidence of her resilience and served as warnings to those she bumped heads with.<p>

Upgrades littered her insides, strengthening and possibly even sustaining her. While the thought was somewhat disturbing at least they were hidden. It was her eyes that she truly disliked. Bio-engineered or artificially constructed - it didn't matter. The windows to her soul that had been reunited with her body through unnatural means shone with the constant, eerie reminder that she was more than human. Or less than. She couldn't decide.

Never having been one for vanity she found herself considering the amount of platinum it would take to construct and pay for an upgrade to the medical facility on board that would allow the procedure of hiding her imperfections. They were already running low on funds and in dire need of food and water supplies. Fuel was expensive, and mining probes were nearly gone. Priorities made the decision easy.

After ordering a halt on their travel to scan the current system for resources to gather and sell off she made her way to the infirmary to see if there were less expensive options available to her regarding her eyes.

"Shepard, what can I do for you?" Chakwas looked over at her from the examination table she was standing at.

"Hey Doc. I got a few questions for you."

A hand reached out to grab the paper that Dr. Chakwas was holding, and Shepard tilted her head as she walked over to see who was there. Joker's head peeked out near the doctor's knees. He waved at her.

She furrowed her brow. "What are you doing down there?"

"Uh oh. Déjà vu. You haven't come to yell at me, have you?"

"Is there something I should be yelling at you for?"

"I hope not. I figured we're on pretty good terms after last-" he stopped and glanced up at the doctor. "Last we talked."

Shepard felt her face warm, and she scratched at her cheek. "Yeah... we're good."

"Glad to hear it," he grinned.

"Are you done, Jeff?" Dr. Chakwas asked.

"No. You just handed me this."

"Then why have you stopped?"

He made a face and turned his attention to the paper in his hands, briefly looking up at Shepard before setting it down beside him and laying on the mat with bent knees.

"You wanted to ask me something, Commander?" Dr. Chakwas turned to face her.

"Yeah, about my eyes..." She moved over to the opposite wall of beds and leaned against the edge of one, glancing down at Joker. His hands were behind his head and his hips were raising and lowering above the floor. He waggled his eyebrows at her suggestively and her eyes widened, blinking as she looked back at the doctor. She could hear him chuckling in the background. "Um," she shook her head. "Are there any other treatments we have access to for insulating cybernetics? In the research lab maybe?"

"I would have to confer with Dr. Solus about that, dear."

She smiled at the endearment. "'Dear'"?

The doctor waved a hand at her. "Oh, indulge an old woman her pet names, will you."

"You don't call me dear," Joker said from the floor.

"Less talking, more exercising," she said sternly, looking over her shoulder. Shepard pulled her lips into her mouth and suppressed a laugh. "Now, back to you. The insulation procedures would cover your body scars as well. Is that something that concerns you?"

"I wouldn't miss them, but they don't bother me. It's really just the eyes."

"If your eyes are your main concern and we are unable to find alternative treatments or extra resources for the upgrade machinery then I would suggest looking into contact lenses."

"Contacts?"

"Yes. They won't be nearly as effective as the insulators or new artificial irises but should sufficiently soften the contrast between the cyber-optics and what's left of your eye color. You might try looking in beauty supply shops when we reach the Citadel."

"Okay. Thanks, Doc."

"Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go enjoy my mid-morning tea." She smiled at Shepard before turning back to Joker. "You. Make sure you finish _all _of this list. I'll know if you haven't."

His face was all innocence as the doctor left the room. As soon as they were alone a grin spread over his face and he stopped his thrusting movements.

"I'm happy to say this isn't the only action I've gotten lately."

Shepard rolled her eyes as he stood and walked over to the table she was at, standing near the wall to be out of view from the windows. She turned to face him and leaned her elbows against the surface of the bed.

"Aren't you supposed to be completing that list?"

He mimicked her pose. "You gonna tell on me if I don't?"

"Yup."

"I'll do them later." He drummed his fingers against the table, looking at her. "You don't need any of that shit, ya know."

"What shit?"

"Scar removal. Lenses. Whatever else. You're beautiful."

A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth and she looked down at her hands. "You got a thing for chicks with scars, Moreau?"

"I got a thing for heroic women. Call it a superhero fetish."

"I'm no superhero."

"Sure you are. You kill the bad guys, save the innocent, and you've got your own action figure."

"Action figure?" She laughed, looking up at him.

"Well, I mean, I think it's in the works. Wouldn't be surprised."

"Eh, I'm no hero. I'm just good at what I do."

"Can't argue that." He tilted his head, looking at her. "You should come over here."

"Why?"

A sly smile formed on his mouth. "So no one can see us through the windows."

"What would they not be seeing?"

"Come over here and find out." She lifted an eyebrow at his playful expression and he rolled his eyes. "Fine. I give up on trying to be smooth. Let's go make out in the AI core room."

"What is this, high school?"

"Well, if you don't mind people seeing us... here is fine." He stood and walked over to the end of the table, reaching for her waist.

"Joker." She stood straight and grabbed his forearms to hold him at bay, trying to still the smile attempting to break through on her face.

"Nobody cares."

"I care." She pushed him back over to the wall where they were hidden from sight, leaning over to peak out the window.

"Gotcha where I want ya now," he grinned at her, pulling her to him and lowering his face to hers.

Her hands pressed against his chest and she leaned back, squinting her eyes and pursing her lips.

He sighed. "Do I have to say please again? Is that the magic word?"

"Joker."

"What?"

"I don't know if this is a good idea."

"Why not? I like it. You like it. It's win win." She raised an eyebrow at him and he did the same. "Pretty please?"

Hesitance had her chewing the inside of her cheek. She wasn't sure if she should encourage him. He was rarely seen interacting with other crew mates other than herself, and Shepard realized he had been the same way on the SR-1 only really chatting occasionally with Kaidan at the helm, even then using sarcasm and a stand-offish demeanor to discourage any thoughts of friendship.

Looking back she was surprised to find that Joker tolerated her chats being that he had always held everyone at a careful arms distance. His arrogance was at times difficult to look past, and the casual manner in which he disregarded others could be easily interpreted as a lack of caring, but Shepard knew it was a defensive behavior. It was similar to the wall she had built around herself over the years, the careful mask in place at all times to keep things impersonal and professional.

That was... until Kaidan had come along. He broke that barrier with a swiftness that now left her to rebuild those walls from the ground up. She was distrustful. She was wary. She now knew the reason why relationships were discouraged among military ranks and workplaces.

So why now, after all she had convinced herself of in regards to fraternization, was she thinking about what her ships helmsman might look like without any clothes on? She admitted she liked what she did see when patching him up in the med bay, and recalled wondering if he had always been so fit - which raised the question of how he managed to exercise with weak bones - or if his recent upgrades allowed him to pursue physical exertion. Apparently his condition hadn't kept him from pursuing physical exertion with women. Jealousy at the thought poked at her.

Shepard sighed, looking him over. "Fuck it."

A triumphant grin spread across Joker's face and he wrapped his arms around her as she threw hers over his shoulders before meeting his mouth with hers. Their teeth bumped together and he chuckled, trying to kiss her with smiling lips. She stepped forward and lifted herself up on her toes to press into him.

"Ow!" He pulled away from her suddenly and started bouncing. She had stepped on one of his bare feet.

Shepard gasped and let go of her grasp on his neck, holding her hands out at his leg, not sure what to do. "Shit! Sorry! Did I break your foot?"

"No, you just stomped on it with combat boots is all," he grimaced.

"Should I get Dr. Chakwas?"

"No, no. It's fine. It's just a foot. I've got an extra." He grabbed her waist and squeezed her back into him. "Here, kissing will make it better."

"Sorry," she mumbled against his lips.

Any worry of his foot subsided when they finally found their rhythm. As soon as their tongues sought each other out they were hard against the wall, pushed into one another, hands grasping at hair and clothing. She felt his hands sliding down her back and over the sides of her waist before moving around to her rear to squeeze her to him. Just as heat began to penetrate her body their heads jerked up at the sound of Lexi's voice over the local comm.

"Commander, I've picked up an unregistered distress signal coming in from Aequitas. Possible alien signatures from a mining facility there."

"I'm gonna fuckin' kill her," Joker growled.

Shepard held her hand up to his frowning mouth, smiling and shaking her head before answering. "Go ahead and bring us in closer. We'll check it out."

"Aye, ma'am."

Shepard sighed and looked up at Joker's irritated face, shrugging. "Superhero's gotta answer the call."

* * *

><p>Joker stared up at the ceiling as he lay on his bed, his mind filled with thoughts of Shepard pressed against him as his hands ran over her firm body. He recalled the feel of being fixed between her legs grinding against her and his breathing picked up. Looking down he frowned at the painful straining in his shorts and groaned as he rolled over onto his stomach to will it away.<p>

He had to get up to the bridge soon. Shepard, Garrus and Jacob would be taking the shuttle down to the rainy planet below and he didn't trust Jax enough to make the drop. Not with Shepard aboard. He dressed quickly and made his way to the deck above.

"Out of my seat," he ordered as he approached the helm.

Jax moved over to her station and looked over at him. "Hey. Uh... sorry if I interrupted again. I heard you threatening my life, but... distress signal, so..."

"Yeah, don't worry about it. Duty calls," he sighed.

Hawthorne's voice sounded through his ear piece. "Kodiak shuttle to Normandy helm. Assault team is aboard. We are green for drop off."

"Roger that, Kodiak." Joker's hands flew over the holographic display before him as they descended into the planet's upper atmosphere and he activated the hangar intercom. "Helmsman Moreau to all non-essential Normandy crew present in the hangar bay. We will be approaching Aequitas drop point coordinates in approximately seven minutes. Please evacuate the hangar and secure for airlock release."

* * *

><p>It had been about half an hour since the drop, and Joker and Jax were watching the live mining facility scan from their seats. Red dots swarmed around the three larger blue ones representing the planet-side squad. The grouping of red vanished suddenly and the three blue dots made their way back to the building exit and into the Kodiak.<p>

"Joker!" Hawthorne shouted through the comm. startling him. "Notify Dr. Chakwas and Professor Solus to greet us at the interior hangar airlock! Shepard's been injured!"

His breathing caught as he sat up, rigidly. "What happened?" Jax looked over at him with wide eyes.

"Fucking husks, man. One blew up right in her face. Burned the shit out of her neck."

"Shit. Okay. Medical on standby when you're docked." He hurriedly alerted the doctors to inform them before standing and pointing at Jax. "Take the helm for pick up, I'm going down to meet them."

She nodded frantically and hopped over the bulwark to take control of the ship.

Joker walked as fast as his uneven gait would allow. He saw Mordin rushing into the elevator at the other end of the CIC and he pushed himself harder to reach the lift but it shut before he could get there. Kelly called over to him as he waited impatiently for the doors to reopen.

"What happened?"

"Shepard got hurt," he answered tersely.

"Oh no!" She gasped and raised a hand to her chest. "Is she going to be okay?"

"I don't know. I'm going down there now."

He entered the elevator to descend to the hangar floor. As soon as the doors opened a group of people rushed inside and he backed up against the wall. Jacob and Garrus carried Shepard in and placed her on the floor with the doctors Chakwas and Mordin hovering over her, quickly unlatching charred armor from her shoulders and chest.

She was conscious, squeezing her eyes shut and groaning through gritted teeth. A charcoal-like smell drifted up to his nose and Joker looked down at the angry red skin glistening up at him along her jawline. He stood there, watching as the doctors unsealed her singed insulating under armor, unzipping it and pulling it away from her shoulders to reveal more burns along her neck.

Dr. Chakwas looked up at him. "Jeff! Hit the command for the crew deck!"

Nodding he swiftly did as commanded, turning back to see Shepard looking up at him with a pained expression. As he gazed down at her worriedly memories of similarly distressed eyes flashed before him. The sight of her seared skin provoked images of her laying on a surgical table covered in horrific wounds, and he swallowed thickly, looking away and shutting his eyes.

The doors opened to the crew deck and again Jacob and Garrus lifted her to take her to the medical bay. Miranda met them and started asking questions about what had happened, insisting that she aid them in treating Shepard having had spent two years building her body up from practically nothing. Joker followed and watched helplessly from next to the door as they placed her on a patient bed, the doctors and Miranda hurrying to gather medical equipment to stall the burning.

Serving no purpose he backed out of the room and headed to his own quarters where he sat upon the corner of the sofa closest to the observation window, staring at the planet below.

She had been killed before. This incident was a reminder that she could just as easily be lost to him again. The thought caused a despair in his chest that nearly pushed the air from his body, and he sat there wishing he could keep her safe from every possible threat known to them.

* * *

><p>Shepard opened her eyes to see Garrus and Tali sitting on an examination table across from her, conversing quietly. They rose, coming to stand over her when she turned her head and grunted at the tight ache on her neck.<p>

Garrus pulled a strand of hair away from her cheek with a careful talon and cocked his head. "You match me, now."

Shepard groaned and closed her eyes. "Oh god. Is it that bad?"

He chuckled and Tali reassured her. "It's nothing compared to his, Shepard."

She reached up for Tali and pulled her closer, using her helmet as a mirror and lifting the bandage away from her jaw. The flesh underneath was a vibrant shade of pink. There was no blistering, but the surface of her skin wasn't as smooth as it should be. Still, it could have been worse. She breathed a sigh of relief. Scars were one thing - hamburger for a face was not something she would concede to.

"How are you feeling?" Tali asked, straightening.

"Oh, I'm fine," she said, sitting up and taking note of her lack of clothing as she sat in her undergarments with a sheet over her lap. "Where are my clothes?"

"Here." Tali walked to the bed they had been sitting at and gathered a folded uniform there, bringing it back over.

"Thanks." Shepard carefully pulled the shirt over her head, holding the fabric to the side to keep it away from her neck. She hopped down from the table to put her pants on and folded the sheet, placing it on the bed before searching out her boots.

"You should get some rest, Shepard," Garrus said.

"I feel fine," she insisted. "I didn't get half my face blown off like you did. This is nothing."

"You sure?" He asked.

"I'm sure. I could go for something to eat, though. Join me?"

The trio walked out to the mess and Shepard was greeted by a slew of crew members eating at the table she passed, wishing her a speedy recovery and admiring her grit. Gardner handed her a readily prepared tray, extolling the high quality of the dish and giving her a pat on the arm. She sat at the end of the other table with Tali on her side and Garrus across from her.

"You guys not hungry?"

Tali's speaker light brightened. "I ate earlier. No point waiting for meal time if I can't have levo."

Garrus nodded. "I filled up on dextro bars. Can't tell you how eager I am to get to the Citadel and have some real food."

Shepard poked at her food guiltily. "Sorry guys. I know it's been hard on you living on a human run ship. I promise we'll stock up good and proper once we're docked."

She shoveled her food into her mouth, finishing quickly. Once done the friends split and Shepard headed up to the CIC.

"Commander!" Kelly rushed up to her. "Are you okay?"

"I'm just fine, Kelly."

"If there is anything I can do - anything at all - please let me know. Can I get you a cup of coffee?"

Shepard walked to the galaxy map as Kelly trailed behind her. "I'm fine, really. I'll let you know if I need anything, okay?"

The yeoman nodded and went back to her terminal. She was sweet and she meant well, but Shepard simply felt uncomfortable being fawned over. She much preferred the hearty welcome she had received on the lower deck.

The glow of the Normandy's schematics swapped to one of the galaxy as she set the Citadel as their next destination. They had hefted a fairly decent haul with mineral scanning and it would cover the next few months of expenses, assuming nothing blew a hole in the side of the ship.

"Commander, you have a new message," Kelly informed her.

She walked over to her terminal and opened her unread messages.

* * *

><p><em>From: Chief Helmsman Moreau<em>

_Subject: (none)_

_Shouldn't you be resting?_

* * *

><p>She typed in her reply.<p>

* * *

><p><em>From: Commanding Officer Shepard<em>

_Subject: RE:(none)_

_Rested enough. Work to do. Will sleep later._

* * *

><p>His response came back immediately.<p>

* * *

><p><em>From: Chief Helmsman Moreau<em>

_Subject: RE:RE:(none)_

_You looked pretty beat up when I saw you. __**Rest.**_

_...My bed is free if you want. ;-)_

* * *

><p>Her face flushed at the suggestion and she glanced over at Kelly.<p>

* * *

><p><em>From: Commanding Officer Shepard<em>

_Subject: RE:RE:RE:(none)_

_I set a destination. Get to work, Helmsman._

* * *

><p>She was about to head down to the surveillance room when another reply appeared.<p>

* * *

><p><em>From: Chief Helmsman Moreau<em>

_Subject: You're no fun._

_Seriously. Take care of yourself, okay?_

* * *

><p>Shepard smiled and shook her head, borrowing his words and walking away.<p>

* * *

><p><em>From: Commanding Officer Shepard<em>

_Subject: I am the best fun you'll ever have._

_Seriously. I'm fine. But thanks, you know, for giving a shit._

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**** Next chapter is being polished... Should be up in a couple days.**_  
><em>


	9. Chapter 9

_**_**Disclaimer:** _**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Mass Effect © BioWare.__

* * *

><p><strong>Breaking the Barrier<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 9<strong>

* * *

><p>Joker woke and immediately reached over to grasp out at the empty space in front of him, rolling off of the bed and hitting his head on the nightstand in the process. The pain brought him to awareness instantly, and he winced as he sat up on the floor, rubbing at his forehead and hoping there wouldn't be a bruise later. This dream had been different than the others that always took place during the attack of the SR1. This time it was the Collector base. Shepard had jumped the chasm between the cliff and the ship; he was the only one in the airlock and had tried to pull her up, but his arms broke under the weight of her armored body and he watched, horrified, as she fell to her death, disappearing into a bloom of fire from an explosion below.<p>

"That's just fuckin' great," he grumbled quietly to himself as he got up to begin his morning routine.

The crew deck was still dark in the early morning hours, and after brushing his teeth and trimming down his beard he walked into the dimly lit med bay, immediately going for the cabinets to retrieve a mat.

"Jeff, you're up early," the Doc commented.

He looked up to see Shepard sitting on top of an examination table in nothing but shorts and a sports bra, Dr. Chakwas at her side removing the bandages from her neck.

The doctor looked up at him as she walked over with the old dressing, throwing it into the waste disposal and rummaging through sealed packages of sterile bandages in a drawer next to him. "Can you come back later please? Give the Commander some privacy."

"It's okay, he can stay," Shepard said from atop her perch.

"Here, I'll make it fair," he said, walking over and tossing his mat to the floor between beds before removing his own shirt and winking at her.

Shepard quirked an eyebrow at him and he leaned over the side of the table to wrap his arm around her midsection, wanting to feel her after having had a dream in which he lost her again. Her eyes widened, darting back and forth between him and Chakwas.

"What are you doing?" She whispered.

"Good morning kiss."

"Joker, she's right over there."

"Better make it quick before she sees then."

"Quit it," she slapped at his hands.

"Kiss me."

He could see her fighting the smile pulling at her lips, and she gave him a swift, chaste peck before pinching his chest.

"Ow!" He laughed as he jumped away.

Dr. Chakwas raised her head and looked over to them. "What happened?"

"Stubbed my toe," he lied. She humphed and turned back to the drawer, and Joker stretched his leg out in front of him to lean over a knee as he whispered. "You're so abusive."

Shepard looked at him pointedly. "Behave."

"Aye ma'am!" He saluted mockingly.

"Shepard," Dr. Chakwas called over. "I'm going to have to check the medical supplies down in the cargo rooms. What I've got here is much too small."

"Okay. Should I come back later?"

"No, just wait here for a bit," she said as she left the room.

Out of the corner of his eye Joker looked over the exposed wound on her neck. It didn't look nearly as frightening as it had the day before, but was still swollen. Shepard caught him looking and frowned, raising her shoulder and turning herself away.

"Hey, it's not that bad."

He switched legs and watched her tracing the long Y shaped mark that traveled down the front of her breast bone all the way to her belly button, remembering the sight of it being split open, muscles underneath showing through speckled with orange pin pricks of light.

"You sure you don't have a thing for women with scars? I've got enough."

"I've seen them all. They don't bother me."

"What? When?" Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "How?"

He shook the image from his mind. "When I signed on with Cerberus, about a year after you- after the attack. Miranda let me see you. That's what convinced me to join."

"Oh."

"You look a hell of a lot better now than you did then." Her frown deepened and he sought to rectify that, walking over to stand in front of her and place his hands on her knees. "At risk of sounding completely shallow, I wouldn't be interested if I didn't find you attractive."

"Okay... Not really sure how to respond to that."

"It's a good thing," he grinned. "You're hot."

She smiled and rolled her eyes. Mission accomplished. "And here I thought it was my heroic personality that drew you in."

"Well, yeah, sure. There's that too."

"You're such a dick."

"Hey, I just gave you a compliment. And what happened to brat? It's like two steps forward one step back with you." She shrugged, still smiling, and he stepped closer to her and lowered his head, smirking up at her. "So, I've seen yours... you want to see mine?"

Her eyebrows rose. "Excuse me?"

"Scars, silly. What did you think I meant?" She narrowed her eyes at him and he chuckled, stepping back and pointing to a tiny silvery scar on his knee. "Bone rodding surgery from when I was a kid. Stainless steel expanding rods inserted into both femurs to help them grow properly so I could get around on crutches and braces instead of being stuck in a wheelchair." He lifted the hem of his shorts to reveal a long, vertical line on his outer thigh, slapping at it. "Now replaced with titanium foam weave courtesy of Cerberus." He lowered and pointed to a similar scar on his shin. "Same shit down here. The bone grew into the fibers of the weave, strengthening it so I can walk freely. Same with my arms." He stood and held his arms out in front of him to show her his inner biceps and forearms. "Ribs they left alone. Too close to important organs and all."

She reached out and touched the barely visible mark on his forearm. "I never noticed. That's a lot of surgery."

He shrugged, stepping back up to her. "Probably the same stuff you've got. Therapy was a bitch, though. I was scared as shit to take a step the first time the braces came off."

She hummed in response as she ghosted her fingertips over his arm.

"So, scars aren't a big thing to me. I'm used to them." Raising his free hand he lightly skimmed the outline of her jaw on the edges of the burn there. "I wish you'd be more careful, though," he spoke softly.

Her eyes held to his as she answered. "I'm always careful. Getting hurt is an occupational hazard in my line of work."

"I just don't know what I'd- What would this galaxy do without you? The reapers would come and no one would be here to stop them."

"The fate of the galaxy rests on my shoulders?" She looked back down at his arm in her lap, and her hair fell into her face. "That's a heavy burden."

It was one that he was committed to sharing with her, and he knew Garrus and Tali were as well. He brushed the strands away to tuck them behind her ear. "You're not alone in this."

Weary eyes looked up at him. "Feels that way most of the time."

He sighed and brushed his fingers across her cheek, and she closed her eyes, leaning into his touch.

"Alright, fresh bandages incoming."

Joker retracted his hand and stepped away quickly at Dr. Chakwas' entrance, retrieving his mat from the floor to roll it back up and stow it. As he put his shirt back on the lights of the mess flickered on, and Gardner could be seen prepping the kitchen for breakfast.

He watched as Shepard winced while her wound got cleaned, wishing she would let him comfort her. With the way she reacted to being affectionate with Dr. Chakwas present he doubted she would, but her eyes kept to his as the new thermal bandaging was applied, and the look they held was one of ...he wasn't sure. Vulnerability? Caution?

Whatever it was in her eyes pulled at him with a longing to be close to her. He smiled at her gently, and she returned it before glancing at the doctor and wiping any expression from her face completely.

* * *

><p>"So, how was that?"<p>

"Huh?" Joker looked over at Jax.

"My docking technique. What's your assessment?"

He looked out the forward view ports and noticed that they were affixed to a Zakera ward dock. "Uh, yeah. It was good."

"You weren't paying attention that whole time, were you?"

"Yeah I was."

"You so were not," she rolled her eyes. "Looks like someone needs to take their own advice about daydreaming at the helm."

He folded his arms and looked away. "I was not daydreaming."

He was most definitely daydreaming. Instead of focusing on Jax's approach to the Citadel he had been entertaining thoughts of Shepard in her bare essentials, leaned back on the examination table underneath him, skin against skin, writhing against each other.

"Right," Jax snorted, getting up to leave. "Because that dopey look on your face clearly indicated heavy concentration."

He pulled the bill of his hat lower on his face, slouching in his seat, neither confirming nor denying her comments any further, and wondered briefly if perhaps his infatuation was slightly unhealthy - that maybe he was slightly obsessed with the woman who had been on his mind the past two and a half years, simply adding physical attraction to the constant thoughts he had of her.

The only thing he knew for certain was that he was absolutely taken by her, almost _needing_ to feel her again - certainly _wanting_ to the majority of the time. A door had been opened and he couldn't stop himself from walking through it, doubting that he could even if he wanted to. The fear of not knowing what lay in wait on the other side wouldn't be enough to keep him from exploring the possibility that this amazing woman could feel the same for him. The idea filled his heart with a hope that nearly brimmed over, and he wondered if he could ever let her out of his reach now that he had made the choice to pursue her.

* * *

><p>After docking at the Citadel the first order of business had been restocking the food supplies. Shepard sat at the mess over lunch with Garrus to her side, who was voraciously scarfing down what looked like ground meat littered with pebbles. She wrinkled her nose in distaste as she watched him eating and he stopped to look at her.<p>

"What?"

"That looks really, really gross," she laughed.

Joker piped up from his spot across from her. "Kinda looks like what I used to feed my dog." Garrus narrowed his eyes at the man, hugging his mandibles to his face, and Joker shrugged. "What? It does."

Shepard bumped Garrus with her shoulder and he went back to eating.

"You had a dog?" She asked.

"When I was a kid," Joker nodded. "Parents had to keep me entertained some how."

"I've never been good with pets," Shepard mused, chewing on her soup spoon as she thought of her fishes and hamster. A nudge of her foot pulled her from her thoughts, and she looked up to see Joker smiling at her. She returned his smile and nudged his foot back. His smile grew and he took a sip of his soup straight from the bowl.

Garrus' head raised from his food. "Who keeps touching my foot?"

Joker's eyes rounded and he sputtered, coughing and pounding at his chest. Shepard couldn't help the laughter that escaped her, despite the fact that her pilot could very well be choking to death.

"Are you okay?"

He raised a hand and nodded as he continued coughing, finally dying down to clearing his throat.

"Sorry, Garrus. That was me," she covered him.

The turian sighed. "No means no, Shepard. How many times do I have to tell you?"

She clicked her tongue and he got up, chuckling and stepping away as she tried to hit him with her spoon. When he was out of earshot she turned to Joker, lowering her voice.

"Footsie? Really?"

"Well? No one's looking under the table. I'd hold your hand if I thought you'd let me."

"Footsie and hand holding. Cute."

"Yeah. See... I think it holds a certain appeal of boyish charm."

"I'm not interested in boys."

Joker's eyes lit up mischievously. "Oh man. That brought on a whole slew of incredible images. Tell me - you and Miranda ever consider naked sparring?"

"Jesus Christ, Joker." She shook her head and went back to her lunch as he snickered.

The sweetness that he had displayed that morning over his concern for her well being had her thinking that he might be serious about their actions as of late. Shepard wasn't sure that she wanted more than what she was already giving.

He had offered himself as a means to an end while he was drunk. Maybe that was all this was. Stress-relief. She couldn't deny that it worked. He proved to be a good distraction from her suspicions over security infiltrations and secret double agents. The rush of endorphins that soothed her with each encounter with him was enough to keep her distress at bay, but the thought of it meaning anything more worried her. What was the end goal with this? Did he want something more from her than physical closeness? Would she be willing to risk herself if he did?

Underneath the table a hand clasped her own, and she looked to her side to see Joker sitting next to her, stirring his spoon in his bowl as his thumb traced tiny circles over her knuckles. Warmth enveloped her, seeping into her defenses, and she laced her fingers with his taking what comfort she could in what he was offering her.

* * *

><p>"Okay, everybody shut up! Shut up! It's starting!" Crewman Matthews yelled over the buzz of talking in the starboard community room.<p>

Joker leaned back in the seat he claimed, watching as the title sequence projected onto the surface of the closed observation window. _N7: Alliance Hero_. A voice over set the scene, and the group cheered and clapped when the actress portraying Shepard appeared. On the couch in front of him Shepard smiled and shook her head.

"She doesn't even look like me."

"Commander, it's about the acting skills, not the looks," someone commented.

The group booed and threw popcorn and food wrappers at the screen at Saren's appearance and kept up a lively banter despite Matthews insistence on a silent movie watching experience, and Joker looked on with amusement at the ridiculous retelling of their mission.

When the love interest was introduced everyone ooh'd and cracked jokes about Shepard breaking all the rules to get what she wanted. She took it in good stride, even laughing and shaking her head. Joker smiled as he watched her enjoying herself, slightly surprised that he didn't feel jealous at the thought of Kaidan. That guy didn't know what he was missing out on.

The lively nature died down when the Virmire scene played out, and Shepard's jaw could be seen clenching slightly. Joker was reminded of the cruel words he had said to her regarding Ashley, and he leaned forward to rest his chin on the back of the seat behind her shoulder.

"You okay?" He whispered.

She turned her head to him and smiled tightly. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Wanna get out of here?"

"It's okay, Joker. It's just a movie. More than half this shit isn't even close to how things really went down." Her smile turned to one of sincerity as she continued. "Besides, I want to see how you managed to rally the entire fifth."

"I could give you the historically accurate account if you'd like."

The smile faded slightly. "Let's save the real war stories for another day."

He nodded and leaned back into his seat, turning his attention back to the film. At the culmination of the romantic plot everyone went wild, whooping and whistling when the actress revealed a full frontal shot.

"Commander! Yow!"

She threw up her hands in exasperation. "She doesn't even look like me!"

No one cared. They hooted and catcalled and gave her more grief than Joker ever had, and she cursed them, laughing the whole way through.

When the film finished everyone cheered and applauded, and some started dancing to the ending credits theme. One crew member - Rick the blond of the walking joke, as Joker recalled - pulled Shepard to her feet to dance. She shook her head citing running cadences as her best ability to keep a beat as he walked her into the group, and she gave in, giggling and two stepping on her feet.

Joker chuckled to himself. She couldn't dance worth a shit. His good natured feelings quickly turned to provocation when Steven the brunette showed up to dance at Shepard's back, holding his hands at her hips. The fucker was groping all over her and she didn't seem to care in the least, clapping and raising her arms in the air as the two men swayed against her. He glowered at them. It should be him with his hands on her. He got up to leave.

As he passed the elevator someone called out to him and he turned to see Shepard walking up to him with a smirk on her face.

He folded his arms at her approach. "Done dancing with your boyfriend?"

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Hmm, is that jealousy I sense?"

"Pfft, right," he rolled his eyes at the notion but could still feel the residual heat of his irritation.

"I saw you, ya know. Casting your if looks could kill glare at my _boyfriend_."

"He is _not_ your boyfriend."

Shepard tapped a finger against her lips and looked up at the ceiling. "I was thinking of asking him out some time."

Joker narrowed his eyes at her. "You'd better not."

Her smirk grew as she looked back to him. "Not jealous, huh?"

He grabbed at her waist and pulled her into the life support room, pushing her against the wall with his body and dropping his eyes to hers menacingly. "Insanely jealous."

"Joker, someone could come in here."

Running his hands over her stomach he lowered his face to kiss at her neck. "I locked the door."

"What about Thane?"

"He's visiting his kid." He stopped and raised his eyes to hers, squinting. "Why does he call you _Siha_?"

"That's just what he calls me," she shrugged.

"What is it? Some kind of drell pet name?"

"He said I remind him of a Siha - a warrior-angel."

"Oh my god," he rolled his eyes. "That is such a line."

"It is not a line," she laughed.

"It's totally a line. _Warrior-angel_," he grumbled, lowering his mouth back to her jawline. He would let it slide - couldn't blame a dying guy for trying to find comfort in the best woman on board.

"What if he comes back and we're in here?" She tilted her head giving him better access to the uninjured side of her throat.

"Then he'll get the message."

"What message is that?" Her voice vibrated out through her neck and onto his lips.

He ran his hands over her hips and grasped at the side pockets of her pants to pull her into him. "That you're seeing other people."

"I'm not seeing anyone," she said breathlessly, gripping his arms.

"Whatever. Stop talking so much."

Their words concluded as their lips met - the only sound escaping them quiet sighs and gentle moans.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I'd like to thank you readers for the patience with me during my first major fanfic endeavor.  
><strong>

**Big thanks to DragonWyrd - my fellow Shokerite - for the boost of confidence.**** Also, thanks to M-Angel 05 for sticking with me from the start.  
><strong>


	10. Chapter 10

_**_**Disclaimer:** _**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Mass Effect © BioWare.__

* * *

><p><strong>Breaking the Barrier<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 10<strong>

* * *

><p>Shepard stood in the hangar, staring at the behemoth of brass before her - a memorial statue to be placed at the final resting site of the SSV Normandy SR-1. Admiral Hackett insisted that she be the first person to set foot on the site, as if it were some sort of sacred honor. In actuality she would have preferred that the Alliance take care of it themselves, but out of respect for the Admiral and the crew still listed as missing-in-action she accepted.<p>

She left the hangar tired but feeling restless. The surveillance footage showed nothing that roused suspicion and going over the reaper information was beyond her comprehension. She wanted to consult Mordin about it before handing it over to the Council, but he was on the Citadel for the next two days with the majority of the crew.

She had decided she would take advantage of the time off to see about the contact lenses Dr. Chakwas had suggested, and headed to the elevator to go shower and change out of her Cerberus issued uniform before heading out into the wards.

* * *

><p>Liberty. Joker never particularly cared for it. Walking around with crutches and braces had been uncomfortable if not a hassle, and even now after having had upgrades to his body he was simply used to staying on board during his days off. Not being one for crowds or social interaction he found he actually preferred staying in to going out.<p>

Deciding to busy himself over the next couple days with reconfiguring the flight terminals operational interface settings he left his quarters to go to the command deck. The elevator doors opened and Shepard stood alone inside.

"Hey," he smiled at her as he entered the lift. "You going on libo?"

"I'm on my way out to pick up some stuff right now."

The idea of going out with Shepard appealed to his previous opinion.

"Oh. Maybe we can go grab someth-" he began, but cut himself off when a hand shot through the closing doors to open them back up.

Jax entered with a duffel bag around her shoulder and stood between them. She looked from one to the other and a grin formed on her face. Joker scowled at her.

"You guys can talk in front of me. It's okay."

He glanced over at Shepard and she scratched at the bandage on her neck, not acknowledging the comment as she stared straight ahead.

Jax shook her head and sighed. "Alright. Fine. I'll pretend I don't know anything."

They both ignored her and awkward silence filled the time it took for the elevator to reach the floor above. The doors opened and Jax exited without a word. Joker hesitated. He couldn't stay in and go up another floor - that was Shepard's loft. Her eyes were focused on her hands as she picked at her nails and Joker stepped out into the darkened CIC, turning in time to see the doors close. He sighed and waited for the elevator to come back down to go eat alone in the mess hall. Work could wait.

* * *

><p>Once in her cabin, Shepard indulged herself in an exceptionally long shower. She usually limited herself to a lukewarm ten minutes - today she stood under the hot spray, soothing the tension in her shoulders and back. She massaged gently at the sealed dressing on her neck and jaw, wincing at the tenderness there. The heat of the shower relaxed her and she found herself yawning.<p>

Walking out into her cabin as she toweled off she looked over at her bed. It looked more inviting than going out into the wards, and she crawled under her blankets to catch up on her sleep. An hour later she gave up and got dressed. She had tossed and turned the whole time, unable to empty her mind of thoughts of visiting the original Normandy's grave site. _Her_ grave site.

Deciding to give the reaper information another shot she headed down to the command floor to go to the research lab. Stepping out into the CIC movement at the end of the systems operations corridor caught her eye. She tilted her head, narrowing her eyes as she slowly passed Kelly's terminal to walk past the ship schematics display and down the long hall towards the bow.

She made out Joker's standing profile, reaching up towards the ceiling of the helm, fidgeting with something out of sight. He didn't notice her as he turned away and lowered himself back into the pilot chair. As she drew closer she saw EDI blip to life.

"Mr. Moreau, it is against regulations to tamper with monitoring devices. Please return the helm security camera to proper operational status and refrain fro-"

Joker's arm reached out and quickly pressed the mute function near the AI's holographic display base.

"That'll shut you up," he mumbled.

Shepard smiled in amusement as she inched closer to stand partially concealed behind the far wall separating the corridor from the airlock entry, wondering why Joker had remained shipboard during liberty. Curious, she stayed silent and watched what she could make out of him past the back of the chair as he tinkered with his omnitool.

"Hmm... Commando azure meets Alliance pink. Nice," he muttered to himself.

Confused, Shepard craned her neck for a better view and wondered what that meant.

_Azure._

She recalled hearing the word before in reference to something recently.

Liara. She had said it was a term for an asari's... Oh. So _pink_ must be...

_Oh god._

Shepard felt heat rise to her cheeks and ears as she realized what Joker was looking up. The realization was rewarded with a heavy sigh from the pilot and the sound of his belt buckle coming undone. Her mouth opened in a small o as her gaze traveled from the back of his head, over the curve of his jaw, and down his right shoulder and upper arm. The muscles of his bicep began flexing slowly and she could barely see the rise and fall of his forearm. She was invading a _very_ private moment. It was wrong to stay... and yet she couldn't tear herself away.

A quiet groan from the man jolted something in her, inches below her bellybutton, and she let out the breath she'd been holding and licked her lips as she gripped the wall, her pulse quickening with the speed of Joker's movements. Another sighing moan from him and Shepard swallowed hard, backing up to sit on the headrest of one of the terminals behind her. Was it getting hotter? She waved a hand around behind her, searching for the chair, not willing to take her eyes off of the scene before her, but as she took a blind step back her foot met the edge of the walkway and she stumbled ungracefully into the station below.

"The fuck?"

Blushing wildly as she clambered back to her feet on the walkway she saw him sitting upright in the turning seat, pulling at the front of his pants and tapping away at his omnitool. A series of passionate moans escaped over the speakers of the helm and his eyes went wide as his face reddened, glancing up at her in embarrassment.

"Oops... Heh. That was supposed to go to my ear piece."

"Uh..." Shepard smiled uncomfortably. "Sorry... I didn't know anyone was still here besides me."

"Yeah, me too." He removed his cover, placing it in his lap and scratching at his forehead.

"So, uh... What're you doing here?"

Joker chuckled and averted his eyes, looking sheepish. "I think that's pretty obvious," he said, motioning to his hat.

Shepard felt the heat return to her cheeks as she looked anywhere but at him. "I mean why didn't you go on libo?"

"Having an empty ship to myself is vacation enough." He shifted in his seat. "So... anyways..."

Witnessing what she had stirred a longing in her. Would his drunken offer still stand? Nobody ever got what they wanted by sitting back. Desire emboldened her. "Do you want to go downstairs?"

"What?"

"Downstairs. To your room. Do you want to go to your room with me?"

Joker looked up at her, dumbstruck. "Uh... Wh-what for?"

She fixed him with a come hither look and started stepping slowly backwards. "To finish what you started."

His jaw dropped and she turned down the corridor. Behind her she could hear Joker scurrying out of his seat, and there was a swagger to her step as she walked to the elevator. Once inside she turned around, grinning smugly at the sight of him following not too far behind, holding up the pants hanging low on his waist that were still undone.

He entered the lift and pressed her up against the far wall, hands on either side of her face to trap her between his arms. "Do you have any idea what you do to me?"

Taking hold of his belt she pulled him into her hips, causing him to groan. "It's me that does this?"

"I can't stop thinking about you. The way you feel. The way you taste." He skimmed her jawline with his nose and she shivered at his words.

Shepard turned her face to his and their mouths met fiercely. She let go of his belt, sliding her hands up under the hem of his shirt and running them along the firmness of his stomach, and he leaned back to pull it over his head, tossing it away. The warm skin of his chest heaved under her touch, and her eyes lingered on the sight before her that she remembered first admiring in the med bay.

"You sure your ribs are okay?"

"Completely healed," he answered, putting his hands back on the wall and bringing his mouth down to suck gently on the skin at the corner of her jaw.

The elevator doors opened and Shepard dropped down to go under his arms, grabbing his shirt and wrapping it around his neck to pull him towards his room. Once inside the door closed and she pushed him against it to resume their frenzied kissing. Purposed hands pulled at her shirt and she released his mouth as the cloth slid over her head. He explored her back as their tongues slid together, and they backed slowly into the room to bump into the sofa behind her.

Shepard perched on the edge of the couch as Joker tugged at the elastic band of her bra, and she pulled up the front as he lifted the back, taking her arms with her. He fisted the fabric to bind her wrists behind her head, lowering his face to her collarbone, and she watched him with heaving breaths as his mouth trailed down her chest, sliding his free hand up her stomach to palm one of her breasts.

"Skip the pleasantries, Joker," she said breathlessly.

"I enjoy the pleasantries," he murmured against her skin. She arched into him, mewling as he enclosed a nipple in his warm mouth, flicking his tongue over it and smiling against her when it hardened. "It seems you do, too."

"Don't fucking tease me," she growled, struggling against her restraints. He was stronger than she gave him credit for.

Slowly kissing back up to the side of her neck he pulled her earlobe into his mouth, dragging his teeth over it before whispering hotly in her ear. "I'm gonna do a lot more than tease you."

The ache in the pit of her belly spasmed and he released the grip on her bound wrists to swiftly undo her belt and pull at her pants. She held to the sofa to raise her hips as he slid them down her legs along with her underwear, stopping to remove her boots before freeing her of her clothing completely. Standing back his eyes roamed over her naked body hungrily.

"You're wearing too many clothes," she said, reaching for his trousers and tugging them down over his hips.

"Shit." He gasped as she took his length into her hand, mouth hanging open and breathing heavily, gripping her shoulders as she stroked him. "Wait." He grabbed her wrists and guided her over to his bed, nudging her down onto its surface.

Shepard laid back as she watched Joker relieve himself of his clothing. He settled on the bed by her side, brushing her hair away from her face, and his mouth quirked in a half smile when she reached up to pull him closer.

"Eager, aren't you?"

"Impatient." She pulled at him again and he leaned in towards her.

"Excuse me for wanting to take my time and enjoy this."

He kissed her leisurely and ran his hand over her hip and up to her knee before sliding it down her inner thigh, and she inhaled raggedly as he skimmed over her sex, sliding his fingers into her folds and eliciting a whimper from her that he caught in his mouth. Heat spread throughout her body and her hips began to move in rhythm with his hand. His mouth traveled from hers, down over her neck and in between her breasts where he stopped to lavish attention on them before continuing further down her stomach. When he showed no sign of stopping she propped herself up on her elbows and reached down to grip his shoulder.

"You don't have to do that."

He lowered himself between her legs and kissed the inside of her thigh, keeping his eyes on her. "I want to."

Her breath caught as he ran his tongue over her most sensitive area, and she moaned, letting her head fall back and running her fingers through his hair when he slid his own inside of her.

"Oh god." She raised her head to watch him as he expertly worked her body with his tongue, the sight increasing her excitement further. Still, she needed more. "I... I need..."

He lifted his head and looked up at her with hooded eyes, fingers still moving steadily. "Tell me what you need."

"I need you."

Crawling back up to her side she held his face in her hands and brought him to her, tasting herself on his lips and tongue. When she released him he reached over to the bedside table, opening a drawer and pulling out a small wrapper.

She arched an eyebrow. "Expecting this, were you?"

"Hoping... eventually." He tore the package open with his teeth and tossed the wrapper over his shoulder. "Better safe than sorry, right?"

"Indeed." She took the condom and sat up to roll it over him before leaning back down, rubbing her hands over his chest. "How should we do this? Just how breakable are you?"

"Cerberus did a good job but I haven't, uh... tested... this." He frowned, suddenly hesitant. "It's been a while."

She kissed him softly and smiled against his lips. "It's been a while for me, too."

"Right," he swallowed. "Um, turn over."

She rolled onto her side, facing away from him. "Like this?"

"Yeah."

Joker placed a hand on her hip and scooted himself down, sliding his palm under the back of her thigh to lift it slightly and position himself at her entrance. She looked back at him and he pressed his mouth to hers before pushing into her, inching in deeper and deeper until she was wrapped around him fully. Their kiss broke as they moaned in unison at the full contact of their intimate embrace, and Shepard reached back behind her to grasp his hip as he began to pump in and out of her. His movements were slow and deliberate and torturously careful, and her eyes fell closed as she breathed airily through her open mouth, luxuriating in the sensation as they rocked gently together.

Warmth spread over her face as he murmured to her. "Open your eyes."

She did, and he held his forehead to hers as he gazed at her, cradling her jaw in his hand and running his thumb over her lips and cheek before closing his eyes and kissing her tenderly. When he released her mouth he whispered her given name reverently, nuzzling his face against hers.

His hands gripped her body, traveling from her breasts to her stomach to her thighs and back again, caressing and teasing her arousal to a critical height, but the delicacy of his thrusts halted the growing build of her passion and she strained to push against him.

"Harder," she directed.

"You want me to break my hips or somethin'?" He breathed against her neck.

"I need more."

He raised his head to look at her. "I don't know if I can."

"Joker, please."

"Please?"

"Pleeease," she begged, desperate for release.

He smirked devilishly down at her, keeping up his slow and steady pace. "Tell me I'm the best pilot in the universe and I'll think about weighing the risk."

"You fuckin'-"

"Ah, ah, ah," he grinned lazily, slowing with agonizingly long strokes.

"Jokerrrrrrr," she whined, arching into him. He raised an expectant eyebrow at her and she huffed. "You're the best pilot in the universe. Give me what I want."

"What happened to please?"

"Please, god damn it."

She whimpered at the loss of contact when he pulled out of her to roll her onto her back. He pushed her knees apart with his hands and leaned in to hover over her.

A long, breathy groan escaped him as he re-entered her. "That's... that's different."

She watched him through her lust filled haze as he looked down at the union of their joined bodies, biting his lip through another groan as he plunged into her again and again. He closed his eyes and curled himself over her, burying his face in her neck and gripping at her thighs to raise them over his hips, and she sucked in a jagged breath at the deeper angle that fed the need growing in her, digging her heels into his backside to pull him in further. She nearly came undone when he moaned into her ear, but his pace slowed and she tugged at his arms.

"Don't stop."

He raised his face to hers and his eyes held an almost desperate look. "I'm gonna come," he breathed huskily.

She lifted her hips, tugging at him again. "I'm close. Don't stop."

"Fuck," he groaned, sliding a forearm under her back to grip her shoulder and pick up speed.

His movements became insistent with need, and she raised her hips to meet him with each thrust, the tension building within her coming to a tremendous peak. She cried out as she toppled over the edge of the pinnacle of her climax, watching Joker as he watched her, his face contorted in exquisite pleasure and cursing repeatedly as he fell with her. Their labored gasping filled the space between them as they rode out the remnants of their rapture, and he leaned in to kiss her deeply before breathing her name against her face once more.

They slumped together on the bed while their breathing evened out before moving to lay with her back against his chest, and Shepard sighed as her euphoria dwindled down to a blissful state of drowsiness. Bodies satiated and engulfed in each others warmth, they fell asleep quickly, held tightly together in the late hours of the evening.

* * *

><p>A soft golden glow emanating from the nearby lamp washed over the room, bathing the intertwined lovers laying in the bed in an ethereal luminescence. Joker held Shepard to him, his arm wrapped around her waist and his face snuggled against the back of her shoulder. Sleep came easily that night, and his dreams were all peaceful nonsense. When he woke he felt rested and light.<p>

He had been laying there for a while now, basking in the feeling of contentment from waking with her in his arms. Propping up an elbow he rested his head in his hand and lightly ran the other along her arm, leaning down to place gentle kisses on her shoulder and inhale the scent of her hair. After a few minutes his actions caused her to stir, and she turned her head to him as her eyes fluttered open.

"Hey," he whispered, smiling down at her.

"Hey," she returned, groggily.

Lowering his face to hers he kissed her tenderly, caressing her cheek as he did so. He could get used to this - falling asleep with her every night; waking up beside her every morning. It was a comfort he had never experienced with another. When he pulled back her eyes remained closed, and he softly ran a fingertip over an eyelid. She opened them to look at him with sleepy eyes.

"Jeff," she whispered.

Joker warmed at his name coming from her lips. "Yeah?"

"We should talk about what's going on here, with us."

"Okay," he agreed.

He hadn't expected much in the way of talking the last night, and her reaction to him was sufficient, though he had hoped she felt the depth of feeling he had been trying to convey with his touches and movements. Still, clarifying exactly where they stood was a good idea.

"Last night was..."

He smiled and wrapped his arm back around her, nuzzling her neck. "Amazing?"

"Yeah... "

He stilled at the reluctance in her tone. "Why am I sensing a 'but'?"

He watched as Shepard pulled away and stood, gathering her clothing on the floor and pulling on her pants and shirt before walking to the desk to lean against its edge. "Things aren't clear cut anymore... lines are blurred."

"Lines?"

"You know what I mean."

"Clarify."

"The line of friendship. I don't know where it is anymore."

Ah. She was feeling insecure about the change in their relationship. He let out a laugh and got up, holding the bed sheet around his waist. "I think it's safe to say our friendship was effectively ruined when we slept together, but that's okay. I think this is better." Moving to stand in front of her he lowered his face to look her in the eye. "Don't you agree?"

"I don't know. This is all happening kind of fast."

"Okay. So we'll slow it down - take a step back. I can be patient."

"I think we need to back off completely."

His heart stuttered and his eyebrows knit together. She wouldn't meet his gaze and it worried him. "Why?"

"I need to figure out where it is we stand."

"Where do you think we stand now?"

"I don't know, and I think you don't really know either. We slept together but it's our friendship that makes us emotionally involved." She was assigning their interactions to separate categories. Friends could also be lovers on the side, but this had become so much more than that.

"No, it's me caring about you that makes us emotionally involved. You mean something to me. More than friendship."

"I think you're confusing the caring of friendship with the intimacy of sex."

"What? What kind of psychobabble bullshit is that?" He reached for his trousers and tugged them on. "I'm not some hormonal teen falling for his first lay, alright? _I'm_ not confused; _you_ are." She refused to make eye contact and he ran a hand through his hair as his breathing picked up, panicking at her refusal to hear him. "You can't tell me that you don't feel _something_."

"I don't know."

His panic started to turn to frustration. "How can you not know? Were you this confused with Kaidan?"

"This has nothing to do with him."

"Bullshit, it doesn't. He didn't trust you and he left you hanging. I'm not him, ya know. I've been here from the start. Cerberus and the Alliance and the whole damn galaxy could kiss my ass. The only reason I'm here is you."

"I know."

"You know? So why are you pushing me away? What are you scared of?"

"I'm not scared of anything. I just need to think."

"Please. You're scared shitless," he scoffed, crossing his arms over his bare chest.

She finally looked up at him - he wished she hadn't. Her eyes were a tell and they flared with her negative emotions. "Fine, I'm afraid. I admit it. Happy?"

Happy? Why would that make him happy? What he was feeling was closer to pissed off. "Oh yeeeaah. Yeah, I'm _real_ happy." He leaned in toward her and pointed at the severe expression on his face. "See how happy I am?"

She shook her head, looking off to the side and crossing her arms. "This was a mistake. It was impulsive. I wasn't thinking clearly."

His breathing picked up heavily through his nose and his chest rose and fell as it warmed with anger. "You haven't had _days_ to think this through? To tell me to get lost? I would have backed off if you gave the word, but you're the one that came to me yesterday, babe."

"Only after days of you begging to kiss me."

"Oh _I_ begged?" He laughed without humor before smiling disparagingly. "Okay. Yeah, I begged, and then you begged me to fuck you."

Her eyes blazed as they shot back up to his, and she raised her voice. "If you hadn't kept throwing yourself at me I never would have."

A realization dawned on him and his fighting spirit fell. "Oh. Yeah, okay. I see. Ya think I'd be used to this by now." He shook his head, looking at her scornfully. "You know, I've gotten the occasional pity fuck before but coming from you that's just..." He trailed off with a bitter laugh.

Shepard's mouth fell open and her eyes widened. "How the hell can you ev-"

"I think visiting hours are over." He stared blankly off to the side as his jaw clenched and his hands turned to fists. "You should leave."

"Jeff, wait. I didn't-"

"I don't want to hear any more of your bullshit. Get out," he ordered. She stood there looking at him and he turned back to her. "Well don't just stand there. Leave. I don't want to see your goddamn face." When she opened her mouth to speak a swipe of his arm sent the contents of the desktop flying across the room as he roared at her. "I said get the fuck out!"

She swallowed hard and snatched up her boots, leaving him standing there fuming. Alone he let loose any lingering hold on his emotions, grabbing the bedside lamp and smashing it against the door, knocking the nightstand over onto its side, and gritting his teeth as he sat on the bed, dropping his head in his hands to clutch at his hair.

He had taken a risk and now he was paying for it. Nothing good ever came out of exposing vulnerability. People exploited weakness, and he had allowed her to creep into his heart where she could do the most damage. For so long he had been content with solitude. He had never cared to share himself with another, getting by just fine on his own until she came along and ruined him. His throat constricted and he shut his eyes, breathing deeply to reign himself in.

A mistake, she called it. Impulsive. He had thrown himself at her. Thinking back he realized that he had literally had to convince her the times they had shared stolen kisses. He was a fool to think that she wanted him. The great Commander Shepard needed a man who could stand by her side in battle as an equal, not some pitiful form such as the one he was cursed with. She had merely given in to his persistence - she had taken pity on him, giving in to his pleas for affection. Pathetic.

Try as he might he couldn't calm the ache in his chest. Laying down only worsened it. His pillow smelled like her. His bed smelled like her. He himself was covered in her scent, and her taste still lingered on his lips. Heaviness returned in full force to his body, and he found himself mourning her loss again... only now in addition to haunting nightmares of her he would suffer living a waking dream.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Sorry Joker. Ladies, please don't hate me. *hides*****  
><strong>

**Mood music for the sexy times in my profile.**


	11. Chapter 11

_**_**Disclaimer:** _**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Mass Effect © BioWare.__

**A/N: Holy shit. I'm back. Enjoy~**__  
><em>_

* * *

><p><strong>Breaking the Barrier<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 11<strong>

* * *

><p>Shepard had always considered herself the lone wolf type, going where the Alliance special forces sent her without question. She understood and was comfortable with where her career had led her, having risen to a position that left her to command others - not confide in them. The burden of leadership was hers to shoulder alone and she accepted that it meant giving up the camaraderie those serving under her built with each other.<p>

Becoming a Spectre gave her the opportunity to work on a long term basis with a crew which offered the chance to get to know everyone on a more personal level, and though being open and forthcoming herself was awkward at first she found she much preferred people's honest loyalty to simply being the Commanding Officer whose orders everyone blindly followed. As Joker had said, every one of the crew supported her one hundred percent, and that had made their base of operations on the SR1 feel more like a tightly-knit community than a rigid military vessel - a feeling which was just barely starting to repeat itself on the SR2.

Now, the only person who had been there for her from the very beginning and throughout her resurrection had good reason to abandon her.

The boundary of friendship with Joker had been crossed the moment Shepard willingly touched her lips to his, and each time after only pushed her further into the warmth of his arms. Somehow she had begun to reluctantly reopen her still healing heart, and though she wouldn't risk entertaining any thoughts of a deeper emotional interest the closeness of physical intimacy with him was quite efficient in the comfort it gave her. She had deluded herself into thinking it was nothing more than the mutually beneficial arrangement he had suggested, but she could plainly see affection from him looking into his eyes as he moved in her, feeling it in the touch of his hands and tenderness of his kiss, and hearing it in the way he whispered her name, and it told her the delusions were hers alone.

An evening of indulgent passion and night of peaceful serenity spent together was quickly replaced with the harsh light of morning after doubts, and the gentle patience he offered made her all the more wary. Self-preservation told her that they were both confused about their entanglement with each other and she needed to set him straight. In reality she had been trying to convince herself of all the things she was accusing him of. His confession of caring that should have soothed her fears instead fed the insecurity she felt at the thought of eventually being cast aside by someone she trusted.

Shepard had been burned before and couldn't easily forget it. She had told herself that her inner turmoil had nothing to do with Kaidan, but in this case it had everything to do with her experience with him. The distrust. The accusation. The ultimate sting of what felt like betrayal to their feelings for each other. It all conditioned her to avoid any threat of future pain. Joker saw right through her, calling her on her bullshit.

His reiteration of his commitment to her had her defenses wavering, and she grudgingly admitted her fear. A sarcastic reply from him had her scrambling for a way out. She had allowed him to convince her to give in to what she didn't even know she wanted in the first place, and she blamed him for reawakening things in her that had been shut down to save her from being vulnerable. She said as much as simply as possible, but his assumption that she had only taken pity on him had her back-peddling to elaborate on her poor choice of words.

It was too late. The damage had been done and he wouldn't hear anymore from her, getting in her face and screaming at her to leave.

She had fucked up. She had fucked up really, _really_ badly.

In the confines of the elevator she threw her boots at the door before assaulting it, repeatedly smashing her elbow against the thick steel and letting out a frustrated cry through gritted teeth with each strike until smears of blood appeared, signaling her to stop. Spitting into her hand and wiping at it only spread it around like rust colored stain as she frantically tried to clear it away. Silent tears began rolling down her cheeks and she rested her forehead against the cold metal to ground herself, her chin quivering uncontrollably. When a pitiful whimper escaped her trembling lips she pounded her fists into the door. The fortress she had been desperately trying to rebuild around herself began to crumble piece by piece until it crashed down completely, and her face twisted in anguish as she let out a defeated sob.

* * *

><p>An endless day and a sleepless night had passed and Joker had yet to leave his bed. His stomach churned with nerves and hunger, and still he refused to move. He lay there, staring up at the ceiling blankly, going after the past few days in his mind to pick apart Shepard's behavior, searching for anything that would point to her having reciprocated his interest. All he could find was his own insistence in their trysts - his own initiation of each encounter, but she hadn't told him to back off outright. She had given in to him, leading him on to believe that he had a chance, and it angered him.<p>

Now he would have to deal with being stuck on a ship with her until the reapers were either defeated or had killed them all. This was exactly the reason he never considered dating crew - not that he was much for dating in general anyway. If his disease didn't scare away potential prospects then their hesitance to get physical with him did, and the very few times when it did get that far it wasn't long before things were called off. Occasional calls on reliable one night stands were much more tolerable, but the last night had seemed anything but for him. The best sex of his life with a woman he respected and cared for more than he ever had anyone else had meant nothing to her.

The thought of her pressed tightly to him, the fiery passion in her eyes melting into his own as he made love to her filled his vision, and he sighed, lowering his eyelids, still smelling her scent floating in the air and seeping into every pore of his body. The same eyes blazing at him the next morning as she rejected him and all he had to offer had the corners of his mouth turned down and a raw ache scratching at his throat. His replaying of each kiss, each touch, and each smile they shared had a longing for her building in him. The reminder that it was all one-sided had bitter resentment replacing it. He had poured his adoration into her and she returned it by eviscerating his heart.

Beeping from the alarm clock on the floor next to the upended nightstand alerted him that his shift would be starting soon. Unmoving, he continued his reflection on the recent events of his life, his emotions fluctuating between dejection, longing, loathing, and anger as the clock continued its buzzing, insisting he get up. After ten minutes it silenced itself. Some time later the opening of his doors managed to rouse him to attention as he brooded over everything Shepard had ever done to irritate him, and he looked down his nose to see Jax stepping over the broken shards of lamp that littered the floor of the entryway.

"Wow, you have some kinda crazy party without me?"

Joker threw his arm over his face. "Don't you know how to knock?"

"Oh my. Half naked. Musta been a hoppin' shindig." The grin in her voice was apparent.

"I didn't say you could come in."

She ignored him, of course, and he could hear her walking further into the room. "I had a great night myself. Thank you for asking."

"Go away." He wasn't in the mood for her shit.

"Don't you want to hear about my adventures?"

"No."

A gasp from her had him peeking out from under his arm, and he followed Jax's line of sight to the floor by the sofa she was standing at. She bent over and picked up Shepard's underwear, pinching the cloth between her forefinger and thumb as she gawked at him.

"Holy shit."

His jaw clenched at her giddy expression. "Put that down."

She tossed them to the foot of his bed and grinned at him. "So you guys went for it. Awesome."

"That's none of your fuckin' business."

"Calm down," she held her hands up. "My lips are sealed."

"I highly doubt that. You never shut the fuck up."

Her brows pulled together as she placed her hands on her hips. "What the hell is your problem?"

"My problem," he began, sitting up and tugging on his boots. "Is that women are condescending, manipulative, opportunistic predators, and you're one of them. So run along." He stood and walked his fingers in front of him. "No vaginas allowed."

"Wow. You're being a real prick."

"No shit?"

"Ya know, I used to think everyone disliked you just because you were a strict instructor. Now I see that their opinions weren't without merit."

He walked over as Jax made to leave. "I don't give a fuck what you or any of your sniveling classmates thought of me. They were shit. And you wanna know what you are?" She walked out of the room and he followed to the doorway, glass crunching under his boots as he called after her. "An Alliance drop out who used her wings to land a shitty transport job and lucked out getting this one only because I couldn't get a decent nights sleep. You wouldn't be here if it weren't for me. You barely rate."

"Fuck you, asshole," her voice bellowed out from the open elevator.

Two spectators were leaning out the door of the crew quarters and caught Joker's eye.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" He shouted at them. They retreated back into the room.

At the opposite side of the ship he saw the doors to the starboard observation. The bar had been moved there. He snatched his shirt up from the floor, shaking it of any debris and throwing it on to walk across the hall, finding that he was suddenly _very_ thirsty.

* * *

><p>Blankets and pillows hid Shepard as she lay curled up in her bed. As much as she wanted to retreat into the escape of sleep it evaded her, refusing to bestow upon her rest from the guilt and regret flowing throughout her. Damp patches on her pillow soaked into her face from unwanted tears that came and went without warning, and she flipped them over only to end up crying into them again.<p>

It was a new feeling for her. This overflow of sadness at the situation she was in that had been her own doing. She wondered if Kaidan felt the same after he had turned on her. His letter that had been an attempt at possible reconciliation had her infuriated. Would Joker react similarly if she tried to explain herself? Their history was so much more complicated, though. There was no initial attraction at their introduction. Their working relationship had been one of chain of command between pilot and CO - a partnership built on a foundation of trust and reliability that had morphed into an easy and light friendship, and then into one of shared hardships and sincere concern for each others well being. Somewhere along the line something more had entered into the mix. Something deeper than mere mutual attraction.

And it had frightened her.

The great Commander Shepard, Savior of the Citadel, Battlemaster, rescuer of the lost and defender of the galaxy had run away with her tail between her legs at the thought of being dumped.

She pouted as she snuggled deeper into her bed, tired, hungry, and swimming in regret. The afternoon was beginning and soon they would be leaving the Citadel for Alchera at Admiral Hackett's request. The search for any sign of missing crew wouldn't likely turn up anything, but still, she would need her energy for the solitary mission. Dragging herself to her shower she cleaned up quickly, the water doing nothing to wash away her heavy emotions.

After setting the flight destination and schedule at the CIC she went down to the mess and picked at an energy bar, not interested in the lunch that the returning crew was currently feasting on.

A hand on her shoulder had her jumping in her seat, and she turned to see Dr. Chakwas standing behind her.

"How is your neck feeling today?"

Shepard smiled weakly and pulled the wrapper back up over her bar, pocketing it.

"Still smarts a little but much better than yesterday."

The doc nodded as she inspected it. "Why don't you come get a fresh dressing? It looks like the corners are peeling away a tad."

"Sure."

She stood and followed to the infirmary, removing her shirt and settling atop her regular examination table while the doctor prepared the medical supplies. As she was removing her dog tags to set aside the doors to the room opened and Joker stepped in. He stopped and their eyes met, holding briefly before flicking away.

"Jeff," Dr. Chakwas spoke as she arranged her supplies on the tray near the bed. "You didn't leave your checklist from yesterday morning."

Shepard watched him from the corner of her eye as he yanked a mat out of the cabinet, stumbling backwards and fumbling with it as he unrolled it.

"I slept in. Skipped a day."

"And you haven't come in already today?" The doc continued speaking with him while she began removing Shepard's old bandage, pulling gently at its edges. "It is imperative that you keep to this schedule if you want to continue walking unaided."

"I'm here now, aren't I?" His face was kept downcast as he walked by them to toss the mat down between tables.

As he passed the doctor paused, sniffing at the air. "Have you been drinking?"

"I'm off duty. I'm allowed," he said, curtly.

"We're undocking in an hour," Shepard said, putting aside her meek emotional state to step into her role as CO. Piloting a ship under the influence was anything but acceptable. He was in no condition to exercise, let alone fly. "You can't be at the helm like this."

Hard eyes glared at her as he responded snootily. "I could fly this ship with my dick if I wanted to."

"Jeff," Chakwas admonished him.

"What? God. I'm fine. I'm not even tipsy."

The smell of hard alcohol wafted off of him heavily at the closer proximity, and Shepard frowned as she looked at him. "You're drunk. Go to your quarters until you've sobered up."

"Sending me to my room, Commander?" He sneered at her. "Fuck you."

Dr. Chakwas gasped audibly. "Jeffrey Moreau!"

"What?" He snapped, turning back to the doctor. "What are you, my fuckin' mother? I got news for ya, Doc: she's dead and I ain't lookin' for a replacement."

"Don't talk to her like that." The harshness of his tone with Dr. Chakwas shocked Shepard. She could understand him being angry with herself, but not with this kind, caring woman.

"I'll talk whatever goddamn way I want," he said, kicking his mat and taking a step closer to her, leaning in with an aggressive expression. "What the fuck are _you_ gonna do about it?"

"Don't worry," Chakwas intervened. "I've dealt with him like this before." She pulled his arm gently and started walking him away, his angry face still stuck on Shepard. "Jeff, come back later to resume your physical therapy."

"Whatever. Maybe I won't come back at all. Why would I need to walk when I can fly? That's all I'm fuckin' good for." He yanked his arm away and started walking back towards Shepard's table, raising his hands to his side. "Right, Commander? Only thing I'm good for?"

Frowning at him sadly she responded without answering. "Go to your room, Joker."

"Don't fuckin' call me that. You know what? Fuck you both." He pointed at both of them before turning away. "Fuckin' women... tellin' me what to do, what to think, what to feel. Fuck 'em all."

Shepard watched as he walked clumsily out of the room rambling to himself before turning back to the doctor. "You've seen him like this before?"

Dr. Chakwas sighed as she walked back to the table. "Drunk and belligerent, yes, but never so directly hostile such as he was just now. He has been doing so well these last few months. Well, better anyway." She shook her head and finished removing the old dressing while she spoke. "It must be that we're headed to Alchera. The memories this must be bringing back for him are likely what brought on the drinking."

"Mm." Shepard knew better. Or maybe that was only part of it. He had confessed to relentless nightmares - was drinking his coping mechanism? He had been doing better, the doctor said. Had she driven him into relapse? The thought tormented her.

Shepard looked out ahead of her as Chakwas continued applying the new bandage and saw Joker out in the mess standing with Lexi at the kitchen, watching as they talked. Her jaw clenched when he reached for her and pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her neck. Lexi leaned back and held onto his biceps, speaking to him as he played with her hair, twirling it through his fingers before cupping her face in his hand as she laughed.

The doctor spoke again and she tore her eyes away from the view outside the med bay. "It's not really my place to say any of this, but your death affected him greatly. Perhaps you might speak with him about it one day."

"Maybe." She doubted she would be privy to such a personal talk after what she had done to him, and sorrow for the loss of their friendship and now any promise of what could have been filled her.

"How are you handling this?"

"What?"

"Going to Alchera to revisit the SR1."

Shepard sighed. "I'm fine."

Chakwas raised an eyebrow at her. "I know what "fine" means, and it's anything but."

"Really, I am," she insisted. "I don't like it. I'd rather not do it. It bothers me a little, but it's nothing big."

The doctor's expression softened and she grabbed her hand, holding it between her own and patting it. "If you ever need to talk you can come to me, dear."

Joker had offered the same courtesy. A true friend whose warmth had now turned cold. Shepard felt the unwanted tears returning, filling her eyes, and she looked up at the ceiling unblinking to will them away. "I know."

Dr. Chakwas gave her shoulders a squeeze and went about cleaning up the medical supplies, and Shepard turned her sight back out the window in front of her. Hurt coursed through her at the sight of Lexi holding Joker in an embrace, her mouth moving and her hands rubbing up and down his back slowly as they held each other. He pulled his face up to rest it against her forehead just as he had with Shepard the first time they had really kissed each other, his eyes closed as he spoke to the girl, grasping at her waist.

Shepard dropped her gaze to the floor, squeezing her eyes shut before she witnessed anything more, and wished that she could erase the past two days from existence.

* * *

><p>Joker left the med bay grumbling to himself. Women. What was their damage? Were they born with some innate need to tell everyone else what to do so they could feel some sort of control over their own unstable lives? The doc drank nearly as often as Joker had, and still did. He could smell the brandy on her breath from time to time and had found her passed out on an examination table more than once. Hypocrite. Shepard had a habit of playing problem solver to everyone on board but herself. Joker remembered her blubbering when he asked her if she needed to talk, and she had fallen apart right in front of him. The heroic leader was still just a scared little girl under all her heavy armor. And the camera eyes. Pfft. Unstable and paranoid.<p>

He rounded the corner into the mess hall and spotted a familiar figure at the garbage bins in the kitchen.

"Jax," he called out to her.

Heads at the tables turned towards him as he walked by, shouting. She was the only one that ignored him.

"Jackson."

Nothing.

He cupped his hands around his mouth. "Normandy to Alexis Jackson. Do you copy?"

"Go away, dickweed," she said, not looking at him and taking a swig from the paper cup in her hands before throwing it away.

Joker leaned against the counter behind her. "You're a woman. Help me understand."

"Are you done being a jerk?"

"Argh. Shit." Being on every woman's bad side wasn't a good idea. He needed to make amends with some of them. "I'm sorry, okay?" He straightened, reaching out to her arm and turning her towards him. "I'm fucked up. Don't be mad at me."

He reached out and pulled her into a resistant hug, resting his chin on her shoulder. Strands of her hair clung to his beard as she managed to hold him away.

"Ugh. Fucked up is right," she scrunched up her nose, sniffing. "You smell like booze."

Pulling free the curls sticking to his beard he tugged on the ends before wrapping a spiral around his finger and releasing it again to watch it bounce back into place.

"Your hair is springy."

"And yours is scruffy. You should always wear a hat," she came back with her own astute observation.

He squeezed her cheek between his fingers and thumb.

"I like you. Even if you're like the annoying little sister I never wanted."

Jax laughed. "Gee, thanks."

"You're a good pilot, too," he patted her cheek. "Almost as good as me."

"Thanks a lot, ass."

"I mean it. You were the best there - in your class. You should be at the spearhead of a fleet, not playing second fiddle to some ex-Alliance asshole."

"I'm honored to be playing second fiddle to the best. As the second best pilot to have graced the Alliance with her presence it only makes sense. Also, that way when I surpass you I'll have instant results for comparison."

"Ahhh, arrogant, too." Joker smiled and sighed. "A girl after my own heart."

She shook her head at him and returned his smile. "You know our shift is starting soon, right?"

"Yeah."

"So aren't you a little wasted to be flying?"

"I can fly this ship with my eyes closed." He closed his eyes and lifted his eyebrows. "In my sleep, even."

"If that were the case then I wouldn't be here." She stepped away and he opened his eyes again, holding to her arms and pulling her back. "Dude, we're leaving in an hour. There's no way you'll be fit for duty."

"You do it all then. I leave my baby in your capable hands. I'll just go back and top off."

"Wait, you're gonna go drink more? What the hell?"

"Beats being sober," he grumped. "Feelin' and dealin' with shit."

"Dealing with what?" Jax cocked her head as she examined him. "Is it because we're going to Alchera?"

"No." They were going where? His memory was jogged a second later. _Alchera. The attack. The Normandy destroyed. Shepard lost. _"Did you know I got Shepard spaced there?"

"I thought it was a geth attack."

"No," he shook his head. "I killed her."

"Um... she's right over there." Jax nodded her head towards the med bay. "Alive."

"No, no, no. I killed her."

"How much have you had to drink?"

"I don't know," he sighed. "One or two."

"One or two drinks?" She looked at him skeptically.

"Bottles."

"Jesus, man. Maybe you should lay off the hooch. Why are you getting hammered when you know we're about to leave?"

He shrugged.

"Okay. Well, let's get you to your bed so you can sleep it off." She gripped his elbows and tried to maneuver them around but Joker held his ground.

"I don't want to go in there."

"Why not?"

"...It smells like her."

Jax stopped trying to move him and frowned. "Did something happen? Why was your room trashed?"

"I threw the lamp."

"Why? You can tell me. I don't go running my mouth. I'm your friend."

Friend? When was the last time he had a friend? There were no companions throughout his childhood and teenage years. The pet dog he had was more his father's than his own, and he had to be home schooled by a private tutor because of his disease. As a young man in the flight academy he was an outcast, socially awkward and focused on his studies and simulations. Never once in his early career had he bothered to build any relationships with his crew mates. Even the women he went out with weren't people he would want to befriend. Doctor Chakwas was a foster mother. Kaidan as a casual work acquaintance was the closest he had come and the man probably hated him behind the calm mask of forgiveness. Shepard was... something else entirely. Certainly not a friend.

He realized just then how pathetically alone he was.

"I don't have friends."

"_I_ am your friend. What happened?"

She was his friend. This girl. A friend to _him_. Someone who had been in a position of authority over her and whose responsibility it was to inspire her to reach for the stars and past them, and who instead had hardly encouraged her and had insulted her just an hour earlier. A friend.

Could he share his heartache with her? Would she just laugh at him? Would she dismiss him just as Shepard had?

Shepard. He looked over at the med bay and through the window to see the woman plaguing him sitting in the same spot on the examination table, talking to the doctor. She was so beautiful. So strong. So capable. Even in moments of weakness she persevered and held to her strength. He could never measure up to her standards.

His mouth turned down at the corners and he pursed his lips before they could tremble, and Jax pulled him into a hug, rubbing his back as he clutched at her.

"Hey. What's wrong?"

"She doesn't want me."

She pulled back to look at him and he closed his eyes, drooping his forehead against hers as he fought the threat of drunken tears.

"Shepard?"

"I'm not good enough. I'm weak. She doesn't want me."

"Okay, come on big guy." Finally he allowed her to break free of his grasp, and she guided him by the shoulders past the table of crew who thankfully seemed to be busy with their own conversations and into the hall towards his room. "We need to get you to bed, and if you want we can talk about this when you're not totally drunk off your ass."

"Why doesn't she want me?" He trudged along, closing his eyes and swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Honey, you're going to have to ask her that."

The flow of saliva he kept swallowing down came faster and he stopped walking, his stomach sitting uncomfortably in his gut. "I think I'm gonna throw up."

"Ah shit." Jax wrapped his arm over her shoulders and pulled him towards the bathroom. "Double time to the head, let's go."

Doubled over, gagging into a toilet Joker's body heaved, emptying his stomach of all the liquor he had consumed that hadn't yet passed through him. His friend held his shoulders and patted his back throughout the ordeal, and when he had finished she helped him up to the sink to rinse his mouth out, afterward aiding him to his room where he collapsed onto the bed.

Jax removed his boots and set them on the floor before folding his blanket over him. She righted the nightstand and placed the clock back on its surface. She collected the clothing on the floor and placed it into the hamper under the desk, and he watched with embarrassment as she walked back over with kleenex to dispose of the used condom and its wrapper still on the floor by the bed.

When she left the room without saying anything he sighed and curled up on his side, wondering if she realized what kind of friend he was. A dysfunctional one. A needy one. One that, despite his insistence to the contrary, still required help. The doors to his room opened and she returned, bottle and dustpan in her hands to sweep up the pieces of broken lamp. After discarding them she brought the trash bin with her to place at the bedside and put the bottle of water she had brought with her on the nightstand.

"Water in case you get thirsty and bucket in case you need to barf again."

He nodded and she patted his arm.

"Hang in there, bud. We'll talk later."

Joker closed his eyes and let the drowsy effects of alcohol pull him towards sleep. The liquor left in his system wasn't enough to drag him so deeply under that he might escape dreaming, and he woke two hours later chilled to the bone in cold sweat, still seeing the images of a naked Shepard covered in gory wounds, screaming and clawing at the bleeding sockets of her eyes as she floated through open space.

He couldn't catch a break. Sleep deprived, hungry, nauseous, and heart aching in longing and pain, Joker was reminded of a phrase that he hated but had come to understand perfectly well.

There is no rest for the weary.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Hope the wait was worth it. Sorry 'bout that. Moving is a bitch. Shouldn't be a month before the next chapter hits, though. Think more between one and two weeks. Thanks for the patience. xoxo.**


	12. Chapter 12

_**_**Disclaimer:** _**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Mass Effect © BioWare.__

* * *

><p><strong>Breaking the Barrier<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 12<strong>

* * *

><p>Joker sat at the mess table, looking at his reflection in the steaming mug of freshly brewed coffee cupped between his hands. His face looked too similar to the way it had two years ago and it bothered him more now than it had then. At least before he could stay hidden away, alone with his misery in the privacy of his own apartment. This time he was forced to leave his quarters to eat, shower, and shit, sharing the facilities with strangers and other people he didn't care to see. The only consolation was that word of his outbursts had spread through the ship gossip vine leaving most to steer clear of him.<p>

Unfortunately that didn't include his new sidekick.

A hand ruffled the damp hair on his head, left to air dry while his hat was missing, and a tray of questionable eggs and sausage plopped in front of him causing ripples to distort the image in his coffee. Jax sat down into the neighboring seat with her own breakfast, smiling.

"Eat up, champ."

Joker pushed the tray away and took a drink from his mug. "I'm not hungry."

"You haven't eaten a real meal in like, two days," Jax said around a mouthful of food. "It's two now, right?"

"I'm not starving myself." A grumble from his stomach said otherwise.

"Energy bars and coffee aren't real food. You need something hearty."

"What the hell is it with the women on this ship coming after me with that mom vibe?"

"I took care of my own mother for months," she shrugged. "I'm just used to looking out for someone in pain I guess."

Joker sighed, rubbing at his temple. "Am I that obvious?"

Jax set down her fork and turned to him. "Do you remember yesterday at all?"

He chewed the inside of his cheek and tapped his fingers against the sides of the mug as he thought. He had laid in bed all morning, yelled at Jax in the afternoon, and nearly gotten through an entire tube of liquor on an empty stomach for lunch before things got fuzzy. "Not really."

"I'll catch you up after you eat."

If he needed a rundown of what happened that couldn't be a good thing. "I don't think I want to know."

"You probably should."

"You're just going to tell me anyway, aren't you?"

"I never shut the fuck up, right?" She was teasing him, but the reminder of his uncalled for harshness was anything but amusing, and he frowned from the remorse he felt. "That was supposed to be funny."

"I know."

"I'll try to tone down the smart-assery but only because you're hungover."

"Thanks," he said into his coffee.

"No problemo, chief."

Jax was being very accommodating, but her kindness made him feel worse about things. He didn't understand why should would treat him this way when he deserved to be given an earful after having been a jerk to her. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Because you apologized," she shrugged, going back to her food. "And we're friends."

"I don't have friends."

As soon as he spoke the words snippets of scenes from the previous day flooded his head like water through a broken dam. The conversation with Jax came in pieces, but he remembered nearly coming to tears in a room full of crew and being sick in a toilet before being cleaned up after like Dr. Chakwas had done for him so many times before. Edges of his memory were darkened blurs around murky rooms and distorted sounds but he clearly made out the faces of Dr. Chakwas and Shepard speaking to him with upset features, and he could hear his own angry voice laced with profanities aimed at them.

Beside him Jax spoke as she ate. "Am I going to have to pass some sort of test before you accept that I'm your friend?"

"I was pretty blitzed yesterday," Joker said, bowing his head. "Some stuff is coming back, though... Friendship included."

"Good. You need someone in your corner."

"I'll drink to that." He raised his mug and took a sip.

Jax began tapping her fork against her tray. After a moment she began eating again.

"How often do you?" she asked.

"How often do I what?"

"Drink."

Her tone was light, but he could feel the weight of an underlying accusation in the single word.

"I'm not an alcoholic if that's where you're going with this," he said curtly. "Everybody drinks."

"I don't."

"Bullshit," he scoffed.

Jax shook her head. "I really don't. Unless it's a special occasion."

"Really?"

"Never liked the taste and I always get sick. A couple hours of fun for a morning of barfing isn't worth the trade off for me."

"Ahh, you're just a lightweight."

"I'll stick to water." She raised her glass and clinked it with his before taking a sip. "You should, too, bud."

"Champ? Bud? Enough with the nicknames already. The one I have is fine."

"Sure thing, boss."

Joker sighed and shook his head. "God, you are so annoying."

"Do you actually like being called 'Joker'?"

The ridiculous nickname made sense to no one that he didn't tell the story to, and most of the time no one questioned it. Irritating as it had been during flight school it was more impersonal than his real name, and he found he liked that. What he liked even more was how personal it had suddenly become when Shepard had said it during sex, but hearing her say it now, after her harsh rejection, and knowing it would never again fall from her lips intimately might have him rethinking his acceptance of his callsign.

"I used to hate it."

"Do you still?"

"Maybe. I don't know. I learned to stop caring what other people called me a long time ago."

"Really? Word around the ship is that you pounded Sarino's face because he made a derogatory comment concerning your limp."

Joker looked over at the neighboring table. Steven Sarino and his cohorts sat there on one end, chatting with each other over their food. Their talking halted as their heads turned in the same direction, and Joker followed, landing on Shepard and Tali entering the mess.

"That was different." He had defended her to that punk kid. The dig at him was just enough to throw him over the edge.

"How so?"

Shepard passed by, nodding to those that greeted her, and Joker tore his gaze away before they could make eye contact, focusing back on his coffee.

"It just was." Joker looked again at Sarino. The man was leaned over towards the blond, smirking as he watched Shepard walk towards the kitchen. His eyes were focused much too low on her body for Joker's liking, and he recalled all of the sleazy things the little shit had said about her. "That fucker needs a good ass kicking."

Jax chuckled. "You sure do hold a grudge."

"Don't you forget it."

"Oh calm down and stuff some food into your pie hole. Jeez."

A glare from him only had her rolling her eyes.

"Come on." She pushed the tray of untouched food towards him. "Please eat."

"I told you I'm not hungry."

"If you're waiting for me to spoon feed you it's not gonna happen. Your arms work just fine."

"Lay off, Jax."

"No." Her voice firmed as she set down her fork and looked at him squarely. "Obviously someone has to tell you what to do right now. I'm not gonna sit around and watch while you self destruct."

"I've done self destructive. This ain't shit."

"I'm not going to back off. I may not spoon feed you but I haven't ruled out force feeding your hairy face."

"I'd like to see you try."

Defiance did nothing to her demeanor, and she sat there, staring at him expectantly while he shook his head and finished off his coffee. When he glanced at her again she was unmoved, raising an eyebrow at him. He sighed and rolled his eyes, giving in and picking up his fork. Spearing a mound of egg and bringing it to his mouth had her smiling in approval.

"Just to get you off my back."

Jax joined him, finishing off what was left on her tray. "Do what you gotta do."

"Shepard," someone called out. "Got a couple seats for you and Miss Zorah right here."

Joker looked back up to see Shepard settling down next to Sarino, and the grip around his fork tightened. He dropped it and shoved himself away from the table abruptly, leaving without a backward glance.

"Where are you going?" Jax called after him.

"I'm full."

* * *

><p>Shepard stood at the CIC, staring down at the galaxy map. A few swift taps at the control panel and the image closed in on the Normandy's location. A tiny holographic ship flying at faster than light speed moved slowly across the schematic through the Omega nebula, closing in on the Amada system. She imagined little holographic people inside, going about their duties. Tiny specks in the vast openness of space. Meaningless. She could reach down as the hand of God and clutch the ship in her fist, destroying all inside. It would be that easy. They would perish and the rest of the universe would continue on just as it had when she had died.<p>

She sighed at her depressing thoughts and stepped away from the display to walk to her personal terminal and read over her correspondence with Admiral Hackett. The list of read messages was long. One of the more recent ones was from Joker, the day after she had been injured. Their light flirtation had lifted her spirits, and she had responded playfully. _I am the best fun you'll ever have._ Some fun she was. More like a saboteur. I am the worst mistake you'll ever regret would have been more fitting. She cleared the file history.

An unread message notification blinked at the corner of the screen and Kelly began to speak.

"Commander, you-"

"I see it, Kelly."

Lexi was requesting her at the bridge. Instead of replying she deleted the message and walked to the helm, slowing upon approach. The pilot chair turned and in it sat Lexi in place of Joker.

"You got a minute, Shepard?"

"Sure."

"Okay. I'm just going to cut to the chase." Lexi stood and folded her arms, facing Shepard head on. The stance immediately put Shepard on guard, and she braced herself, lifting her chin and mimicking the girl's posture. "I didn't apply for this job to be anyone's verbal punching bag. I know it's none of my business what happens between you and Joker, but you guys have issues and he decides to take it out on me. I don't appreciate it."

That wasn't exactly what she was expecting. After the friendly display Shepard had witnessed the day before she wasn't sure what was going on between them. "I'll talk to him about it."

"I'd rather you talk to him about what your problem is."

"Excuse me?"

"Whatever you did - whatever you said - it's got him really messed up."

"You were right when you said it was none of your business. Stay out of my personal affairs."

"When your personal affairs affect the well being of your crew then someone needs to step in." The kid had guts. Too bad they were being used on someone she didn't stand a chance against.

"We don't need a mediator," Shepard growled, stepping forward. "Just do the job you were hired to."

Lexi held her ground. If she was intimidated it didn't show. "I _am_ doing my job," she defended. "Does it look like I'm flying co-pilot right now? No. I'm helming this ship because your pilot is probably at the bar getting too shitfaced to operate this chair. I'm also looking out for a friend. One who, apparently, has only ever been completely loyal to you, and you treat him like dirt."

The girl's words were closer to the mark than Shepard would ever admit to. Regardless, she wasn't about to start listening to someone she barely knew, especially concerning the ins and outs of her personal life. "You have no-"

"Actually, I'm sober." Shepard whipped around to see Joker walking up behind her, eyeing the both of them as he passed. "If you hens would take your clucking about me away from my bridge so I can get to work that'd be great."

He reached for the cap resting on the ledge near his station, placing it on his head and taking his seat to start tapping at his terminal.

Shepard glared at Lexi before brushing by her to stand at her old spot on the bulwark. "Can I talk to you, please?"

The brim of Joker's cap shielded his face, only his mouth visible as he spoke. "Go ahead. Talk."

"In private."

"Whatever you have to say to me you can say in front of her," he said, nodding his head to the side towards Lexi.

"I was just about to leave."

"Sit down," he ordered.

"Hey, I'm all for being your wing-man, but this is your crap to deal with," she responded, moving to pat him on the shoulder. "So deal with it."

"Thanks a lot," he grumbled.

"Yup." Lexi raised her eyebrows at Shepard before leaving them.

"Alright," Joker said, still avoiding looking at her. "I'm all ears. Say what you gotta say and go."

"I was hoping it would be more of a two-way conversation."

"Will you just say your piece?" He snapped. "I've got shit to do."

"Fine," she snapped back, irritation with the co-pilot still sizzling in her. Shepard closed her eyes, breathing deeply to calm her nerves and remind herself that it wasn't him she was irritated with. Trying to gather her thoughts she realized she had no idea what she wanted to say. She'd been too busy wallowing to consider how to possibly salvage what was left of their friendship, if there was anything left of it at all. How to begin? "I want to apologize for the way I reacted the other morning. Everything I said was - I wasn't thinking clearly."

"Been doing that a lot lately? I could help you out there, you know, while you're giving hand outs. I bet Thane could use a good screw before he kicks the bucket."

He really believed she had taken pity on him when she had never looked at him as anything less than the perfectly capable man he was. "I wouldn't do that."

"Oh? You don't offer your services to the infirm of an alien race?"

"It wasn't about pity, Joker."

"What was it then?" He asked, sounding unconvinced.

She had wanted him. The tension he had strung up in her demanded relief in the form of his touch, but going over the night in her mind opened her eyes to things she hadn't seen through the haze of desire. Words spoken the day after were those of devotion. She was still wary, and instead of diving in head first she tested the waters with an answer that barely skimmed the surface of explanation. "Stress-relief?"

"Stress-relief." He paused and turned his head towards her slightly. "Not charity for the crippled guy?"

"Of course not."

"Hm," he nodded, turning his attention back to his console. "So you wouldn't pity fuck me but you'd use me to get off. _Great_."

Shepard's mouth fell, stunned. "You seemed pretty willing."

"I was sitting here with a hard on the size of this ship, you really think I woulda turned you down?"

Had she used him or had he used her? Had they used each other? "Well then I guess it couldn't have meant that much to you if you'd have fucked whoever happened to walk in on you."

Joker's mouth dropped this time, and he looked up at her, eyes widened. "That's not what I-"

"So what happened to no strings attached?"

"No strings at- Jesus..." He sighed, pulling the hat from his head and running a hand through his hair. "I was fucking _drunk_ when I said that."

"What about the first time in the med bay?"

"In the med bay? Wha-" He squinted his eyes at her, looking confused before tossing his hat to the floor by her feet. "Oh come on, I was kidding around! Trying to get a rise out of you! Shit! You really think I'd hop in the sack with some random woman while I'm trying to get with you?"

"I don't know," she shrugged. "Maybe I thought I had become one of your reliable sources for satiating basic needs."

"That might've been the case two years ago if you happened to be anyone other than yourself. _I'm_ not the one that asked you to my room, though. _You_ made that move. Looks like I was the booty call this time."

Shepard brought her hands to her face, digging her fingers into her temple before running them through her hair. "That's not what it was." How was this conversation going so completely wrong? Her initial justifications said that she had used him, but she cared, even if she was too afraid to admit it to herself.

"Oh no? It wasn't just fucking?"

"No. I mean, I wanted you but-"

"Because everything you've just said says it was."

"I - No. That's not-"

"Whatever. I don't care," he muttered, typing at his screen again. "At least I'll take away from this bragging rights to say that Commander Shepard is a good lay."

"Wait. Please hear me out," she said, exasperated. "It wasn't pity and it wasn't just empty sex. You're important to me but it's complicated."

"Complicated because you're making it that way. And yeah, I'm real important." He glanced at her, reaching for his hat and tugging it on before continuing bitterly. "Important enough to be called an impulsive mistake."

"That's not what I meant."

"I don't know what's worse but I'm not here to be your play thing, alright?" The edge of his voice softened, taking on a tired tone. "Go find someone else to get off on. I'm sure Steven in mechanics would oblige. Dipshit eye-fucks you every chance he gets."

"I don't want him."

"Yeah, well don't look at me. I'm not interested. If I wanted a fuck buddy it'd be some dumb broad that I don't have to see every day."

She was losing him. It was time to stop being held back by fear and start fighting for what she wanted. Plead for it if need be. "God damn it, Joker. I'm not looking for a fuck buddy. Will you shut up and just hear what I'm trying to say?"

"So come out with it already," he growled through clenched teeth, pushing himself out of his seat and standing in front of her. "Stop fucking with me," he ground out. "What do you want?"

"I..." Her determination faltered. What could she say when she wasn't sure of the answer herself. She wanted him back? What had they had going on before? Was she prepared to delve deeper into the unknown or settle for smoothing things over? "I don't know."

"Ugh. God. I don't remember you being this way before. Cerberus must have done a botch job with that part of your brain concerning decision making skills because as it stands you fucking suck at it."

His words hurt, and a prickle behind her eyes warned her of impending tears. "I'm just trying to figure things out."

"If that involves more of you telling me what's going on in my own head you're out of your goddamn mind, so you can just go figure things out in a way that doesn't involve me."

"Don't brush me off, Jeff." She reached for his arm. "We need to talk about this."

"I don't have to talk about shit with you," he said, swiping her hand away from him.

"Please." She grabbed his other arm and he tried pulling away from her.

"Let go of me."

"No."

"You're hurting my arm," he gritted.

She released him swiftly, staring at the fading imprint of fingers she had left on his skin, shocked that she still didn't have control over her new strength. "I'm sorry."

"Sure you are." Joker stepped back, folding his arms in front of him like armor.

Defeat began seeping into her heart. "So what, we're just going to pretend nothing ever happened?"

"I don't care what you do. Just leave me the hell alone."

"You really want that?"

"Yup."

"You want me to leave you alone."

"Did I fucking stutter?" His eyes drilled into hers, hard and cold. He was gone. It was too far past the point of reconciliation. There wasn't enough left of what they had kindled to rebuild anew.

"Fine," she rasped through her tightening throat.

"Good."

"Great."

"Yeah! Great! Okay. Bye now," he waved her off. "Off you go."

Her nostrils flared, her nose congested, and her eyes began to fill with tears, but deep inside anger at both him and herself bubbled up as she strode away from the helm, head down and arms folded tightly around her.

"Fucking asshole."

"Aaaand I'm an asshole again," he called out. "Big surprise there."

* * *

><p>Shepard jabbed hard, landing a blow on the leathery skin of Garrus' shoulder. He staggered back a step before swinging at her, and she bent away, the turian's long arm wooshing over head. Righting herself swiftly she delivered another hit against the back of the same shoulder causing him to stumble forward. He growled and spun on her, hawk-like eyes gleaming as he straightened and began removing his gloves.<p>

"What's up?" She asked, raising her arms.

"I'm tired."

"It's only been fifteen minutes."

"I'm not in the mood," he tried.

"I thought sparring was a typical form of stress relief for turians."

"In the military, sure, but I'm not the one stressed here and you're kicking my ass." He grabbed his shirt, slipping it on and letting the front hang open as he rubbed his stony stomach, settling himself down on the running board of the Kodiak. "You might not think it but I bruise under this plating."

"So fight better." Shepard walked over to him, taking off her gloves and sitting beside him as she drank from her water bottle. "You were going easy on me again."

"I wouldn't want to piss you off even further by winning," he chuckled. "Why can't we just talk when something is bothering you?"

"Why do you think something is bothering me? Can't I spend some quality time with my old pal Garrus?"

"Of course, but I'd prefer something non-violent. This is time off, Shepard." Garrus stretched his legs out in front of him, leaning back against the shuttle. "For once no one is gunning after us."

"I'd rather be running ops," she groused. "That's where my comfort zone lies. That's what I'm good at. Here on this ship, waiting around with nothing to do is suffocating, and I hate it."

"I think this may be the first time you've ever complained to me. Usually it's the other way around."

"You've got your own problems to deal with. Everyone does," she sighed. "I don't like to share. I'm used to getting things done on my own."

"Where exactly have I been all these months?"

"Constantly watching my six. But I don't mean mission related. Lately... I don't know. All kinds of thoughts are running through my head and I can't get a grasp on any of them. I feel like I'm really starting to lose it."

"You need to relax. It hasn't even been a month since the Collector base and you've been on the go since you woke up. Literally."

"I can't do relaxed, Garrus. I need to be active so I can think on my feet or else I start over-thinking everything and act on irrational conclusions."

"Catch your breath, Shepard. Breathe easy."

"I can't." She stood and began pacing. "There's still so much shit to take care of, but I'm not smart enough to figure out what to make of the reaper schematics and running a fetch mission at my grave site just pisses me off. On top of security risks with new crew and my own personal bullshit I feel like I'm losing my damn mind."

"You'll be fine, Shepard. You always find a way to get the job done."

"But at what cost? My sanity?" The lull in activity on the ship after defeating the Collector threat gave her too much time to think about what she had been through. Time and more lost during her stay in limbo. Paranoia about her reconstruction and those involved. Gloomy thoughts of her death and mortality. With the one who had given her solace no longer at her side she was back to dealing with her problems. She stopped walking and faced her friend. "I'm serious, Garrus. I don't feel right. Ever since I was brought back I've felt lost. And when I finally start to get a grip on something good I go and fuck it up."

"Why didn't you say something sooner?"

She trudged back over to sit down, slumping against the shuttle. "You weren't the happiest with me after what happened with Sidonis."

"I would have listened if you needed me," he shook his head. "And if I didn't at least you have someone."

"I don't have anyone other than you. I mean, Tali, yeah, but I can't drop my shit on her."

"Oh. I just assumed."

He sounded somewhat surprised, and she turned her head towards him. "Assumed?"

"You and Joker?"

Shepard's surprise surpassed his, and it took her a moment to find her voice. "How did you...?"

"If you're trying to be discreet you might want to try harder. I saw you both intimately close in the med bay one morning, and then later you were making expressions at each other over lunch. And I'm pretty sure that was his foot looking for yours, not yours looking for mine," he grinned, nudging her boot with his.

"Well, you caught us," she admitted.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"There's nothing to tell," she said quietly, staring down at her feet. "Nothing is going on. Not anymore."

"What happened?"

He was her best friend, but she couldn't tell him all that she'd done. Her behavior was shameful and embarrassing. But it felt good to confide in someone. "It was over before it even got started."

"Did he hurt you?" Garrus the protector was out, and his flanging voice was stern.

"No, no," she reassured him. "I didn't give him the chance to."

His demeanor softened and he pulled her to his side. "Is this the good thing you fucked up?"

"Yeah," she whispered.

"So fix it."

"I don't know how to fix it. I'm no good at opening up and pouring out my heart."

"You're doing well enough right now."

"Yeah, but I'm not afraid of _your_ reaction." Shepard inspected the talons on the alien hand hanging over her shoulder, poking the tip of one with a careful finger. "I tried to talk to him today and he told me to leave him alone."

"Then he's a fool."

She shook her head, looking up at him. "I'm the fool for being too blinded by fear to see what he was offering, and when I tried explaining myself I reverted to bullshit excuses that left me a way out, which only pissed him off more."

"Maybe you should try honesty."

"I don't know if he'd even listen. The shit I said to him... fuck. _I_ wouldn't forgive me."

"I wish I could be more help but I'm not much better at relationships. My record consists of one night stands and running away from the first sign of commitment. Hell, you're probably the closest I've ever been to anyone that isn't family. If only you were a turian."

An amused smile tugged at her face, almost reaching her eyes but not quite able to push away the darkness in her. "Secretly pining over me, Gar?"

"We mesh well and I have great affection for you. There's no denying that. Unfortunately I just can't get over how smooth and squishy you are."

"I'm twice as durable as I used to be. I could be an ad for upgrades with all the shit I've got going on," she laughed tiredly. Thoughts picked up in her mind and her laughter took on a slightly unstable edge. "I don't even know how much of what's standing here is actually me, and the more we sit idle the more I think about it and the more it fucks me up."

"Still dealing with the details of your resurrection?"

"More like avoiding. It seems to be my coping strategy of choice lately." Her head rested back against Garrus' arm, and she closed her eyes. "Shit, I was working with _Cerberus_. You remember how many of those operatives we took out? And I went and worked with them, and dragged you into it, too. Nevermind that they were after similar goals. The majority of the crew still on this ship was Cerberus. I thought I could trust them but now I'm not so sure. What if someone is working undercover? What if they all are? I compromised my own morals to use resources and now it might bite me in the ass."

"Nobody's going to be biting your ass but me with a light concussive round to get it moving, so don't worry about that," he said, lifting his arm and placing his hands on her shoulders to turn her to face him. "And don't be so hard on yourself. Entire colonies were being abducted. Someone had to do something, and as the trend seems to be going that someone was you. You did what had to be done. Sometimes you have to look at the greater good. You taught me that when you said gunning down Dr. Heart's ship with hostages aboard was the right decision."

"And then I kept you from gunning down someone responsible for the murder of your entire team. I couldn't let someone I cared about be affected by such an action, even if it meant letting free an accomplice to murder. It was a selfish move on my part that had nothing to do with the greater good. The words I speak are completely hypocritical bullshit. You need to stop listening to me."

Garrus blinked, his mandibles flaring briefly before clamping to his face as he regarded her. "You weren't wrong. Different situations call for different considerations. There is no black and white. I have made my peace with the decisions made through your counsel."

Shepard shook her head at him. "What good is my counsel? Who am I to be giving advice?"

"If there is anyone in this galaxy that I would emulate it's you."

"Who would you be emulating? _I_ don't even know who I am anymore." Wetness trailed down her cheeks and she frowned, turning and wiping tears away with the back of her hand, frustrated and tired of feeling so powerless over her erratic emotions.

The turian sighed and turned her face back to him gently with his rough hands. "You, and people like you, are the heart of civilization. All that's worth fighting for is in you."

"There's nothing in me but mechanical parts."

"You're not a machine. You're a living, breathing woman with a beautiful spirit; with a tenacity for justice unmatched and a depth of character that I strive to reach. You care for others while forsaking yourself. Even if it means your own life."

"Even if it means my own life," she echoed, pulling his hands from her face and holding them in her lap. Eyes unfocused imagined endless black behind a solitary life pod jetting away from her outstretched arms as her vision darkened, its precious contents speeding towards safety while she breathed her last breaths. "And when I hurt those that mean the most to me? What am I then?"

"Human. Turian," he shrugged. "Everyone is flawed. Everyone has regrets and trials. But you don't have to endure any of this on your own."

"We're all alone in the end."

"I am steadfast at your side. Be sure of that."

"They called you Archangel but you won't always be around to watch over me, Garrus, and I won't always be around to offer what guidance you may ask for."

"I know," he said softly. "I learned that when you went down with the Normandy while I was safe on the Citadel. I lived not knowing your influence for two years. But now and so long as we both breathe I will remain nearby. You are as kin to me; our bond sealed by the blood of our foes. We are warriors, Shepard. There is no other path for me."

Steely and determined eyes penetrated hers, and she looked on at him sadly. "You deserve a better life than that."

"So do you." Garrus stood, pulling Shepard up with him and handing over her shirt as they walked back to the elevator. "Do you want me to accompany you on Alchera?"

They entered the lift and Shepard stood silently, twisting and stretching the cloth in her hands as she thought. "I think this is something I should do by myself. I haven't wanted to deal with it but maybe I should. If I can put one thing behind me maybe it'll help me move on with the rest."

Garrus stepped out of the elevator on the crew deck, turning before the doors closed. "If you change your mind you know where to find me."

Shepard stood alone in the cold, metal box, the doors in front of her wiped clean of her blood some time after the crew had returned. They opened again on the second floor and Joker stepped inside. Shepard immediately dropped her eyes.

"We should be reaching Alchera in just under five hours," he informed her.

She didn't acknowledge his words and heavy silence surrounded them on the rise to her loft. They were returning to a place that had altered the course of their lives forever. Before they might have been able to turn to each other during this mission; instead they were standing just feet apart but more distant than they had ever been. The pull she felt was still there, though, and she fought the urge to bridge the gap between them.

Tears made their appearance again, blurring the ground at her feet. When her deck was reached she exited quickly, sniffling and keeping her head down as she resisted falling to pieces in front of him.

Joker's voice sounded quietly from the elevator. "Are you okay?"

She stopped at the keypad to her quarters. How could he ask her that? How could he conceive that she would open up to him after telling her to stay away? She wanted to though, so very, very badly.

"No," she managed before slipping into her room.

Had she been stronger she would have resisted falling victim to the undermining of her own happiness. She would have him now, to help her stand when she couldn't bear the weight of her torment.

They had been everything and nothing. Undefined friends until passion explored overheated and burned them up with blind desire. Fear of the unknown turned them to ice, and trust that had taken months to build was shattered in the space of a moment.

Behind closed doors Shepard cried freely, sliding down to the floor and burying her face in her arms resting atop her knees.

In the next day she would walk amidst the evidence of her rescinded fate, alone as she had been in death. Alone as she had once been comfortable being. If she could summon that acceptance again it would be all the better, but what she ached for was in direct opposition and the one who could soothe her had cast her from his presence without pause.

She would give him this, and, hopefully, with the passage of time the past could be forgiven. Perhaps one day they could go back to some semblance of normalcy, free of misunderstanding and offense. It would suffice, being better than nothing at all, even if it meant silencing any thoughts of longing.

And so she sat alone with her tears, knowing that any promise of a future filled with anything other than loss and violence was out of her reach.

Garrus had been right.

She was a warrior.

There was no other path for her.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yep. Angst, angst, and more angst. Well, that's what you get for reading an angst fic! Hang in there kids.  
><strong>


	13. Chapter 13: Permission

_Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Mass Effect © BioWare._

* * *

><p><strong>Breaking the Barrier<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 13: Permission<strong>

* * *

><p><em>Elasa. Mmm.<em>

Joker imagined swishing around a glass of the blue liquor, watching the whirlpool within spin around and around as he swallowed a mouthful. After physical therapy he was planning on going to the starboard observation room and drowning in it.

The ship was cloaked, floating in the orbit of Alchera, and Dr. Chakwas insisted he come down to get back on schedule with his exercises during the wait for mission activity. He hadn't seen Shepard around the ship since the day before. As he stood with his leg extended to the side he replayed speaking with her the previous afternoon in his mind.

She had started out apologizing. Was she really sorry? Sorry for what? Using him? When she cited his ridiculous offers for arranged sex as an explanation for her actions he had been simultaneously relieved and offended. Was she serious? Couldn't she tell that he cared for her? Her attempts at explanation left him more irate than ever. If she wouldn't try harder to make sense he would go with her last excuse: it was meaningless stress relief. Then she had the nerve to get pissed off at him, telling him to shut up and listen. He was listening, but she was talking without saying anything and he had no idea where she was coming from.

_"Stop fucking with me," he had snapped. "What do you want?"_

_"I don't know," was her answer._

_Her indecisive bullshit was getting old fast. He wanted to pull his own hair out and throw it at her._

_"So what, we're just going to pretend nothing ever happened?" Shepard had looked crestfallen._

_Why?_

_"I don't care what you do," he had said to her. Lie. Better to get her away before he got really pissed. "Just leave me the hell alone."_

_"You really want that?"_

_"Yup." No... Not really. He was hurting. He trusted her and she had hurt him._

_"You want me to leave you alone."_

_He wanted her to want him. "Did I fucking stutter?"_

_"Fine." Her eyes had watered at his response._

_Tears? Did he make her cry? "Good." He wanted her to hurt too._

_"Great."_

_"Yeah! Great!" Fantastic. He just felt worse. He needed her to leave before he broke down and started begging again. "Okay. Bye now. Off you go."_

_"Fucking asshole."_

Being an anti-social introvert always worked for him. A sarcastic remark here, a condescending look there - the perfect defense to keep people away. The need to protect himself was paramount because if he didn't no one else would.

But he had felt the need for her even as she walked away. Joker reminded himself of the way it had felt to find out that their brief encounter with each other was fleeting, casual, and a mistake not to be repeated, but the soreness in his chest wasn't the result of hurt feelings - it was the ache he felt for her that wouldn't subside.

Seeing her later in the elevator had him forcing himself to stay on his half of the lift. After hollowly telling her they were soon approaching Alchera the tears had done him in. She was suffering, heading to her room alone with no one to comfort her. He would have been there for her if only she would let him, but he doubted she would want him, of all people, to hold her close when it was because of his actions that she was suffering now.

He couldn't help himself.

Disregarding his previous request for no contact he stood at the edge of the elevator, inquiring after her, but she didn't even turn as she answered, leaving him standing there to stare at her closed door.

She hated him.

Joker sighed as he stepped off of his mat, bending down to roll it back up. He set it on top of a nearby bed as he toweled his face, and watched as one of the newer crew mates walked into the med bay, going straight for the back of the room. The woman stopped at the door to the AI core, tapping at the holo-keypad and entering after the lock cleared.

"Hey!" Shepard ran into the bay and rushed for the door as it closed, swiftly punching in the code and charging inside. "What the fuck are you doing in here?"

"My arm!" The woman cried as Shepard pulled her out of the room, swinging her into an examination table.

"Answer me!"

"Shepard!" Dr. Chakwas called out, rising from the seat at her desk.

"Hey, what the hell is going on in here?" Jacob ran into the room, and Joker shrugged as he looked outside the med bay window to see people at the mess standing to get a better view of the commotion.

The frightened woman fought with Shepard's grip, struggling to pull herself away. "Help me!"

"She hacked into EDI's core!" Shepard shouted at Jacob.

"No I didn't!" The woman yelled.

Shepard turned on the woman, shoving her back against the table. "Fucking spy!"

"Spy-aaah!" Her shocked question turned into a cry as Shepard's grip visibly tightened. "My arm!"

Dr. Chakwas hurried over to the pair, holding out her hands as she spoke calmly. "Shepard. You're going to break her arm."

"I saw you go in that room." She ignored the doctor and Joker watched as Shepard leaned into the woman menacingly. "You don't have clearance to get in there. You hacked it!"

"Shepard, let go of her!" Jacob ordered.

"I will not be taken down by a fucking mole," she growled into the woman's face, a hand finding its way around her throat while the crew mate gasped. "I should kill you."

A flash of biotic energy sent Shepard hurtling into the wall and away from the woman who scrambled away to hide behind Jacob. Her eyes flared as she righted herself.

"Cerberus dog!" Shepard raged. "I should have known you would turn on me!"

"You were going to strangle her!" Jacob defended. "I would never turn on you!"

"Liar!" She shouted. "You're still working for the Illusive Man!"

"I'm not, and neither is this woman," he said, motioning to the cowering woman.

"She got into a restricted room!" Shepard turned to Dr. Chakwas. "Doc, you saw her."

"I saw her use the key pad without an omnitool, Shepard," the doctor responded calmly.

"Bullshit," Shepard spat. "She doesn't have access codes."

Joker knew the code. He had seen the woman use it. But he couldn't bring himself to speak against Shepard.

Thankfully he wouldn't have to. EDI came to her rescue.

"I can confirm that Engineer Nolan has been given temporary access to the room that houses my AI core."

Jacob frowned and turned to the crewmate. "How did you get clearance, Nolan?"

"I was given a directive by XO Lawson," she answered tearily.

"Miranda," Shepard seethed. "I knew it. I fucking knew it."

"We don't know what that means, Shepard," Jacob said. "Calm down."

"Calm down?" She gritted, her anger rising visibly through the brightening of her reddened eyes. "_Calm down?_ Someone is trying to sabotage our AI!"

"I can't work like this," Nolan cried. "She's crazy!"

"If you're not working for Cerberus are you spying for the Council?" Shepard asked. "They thought I was crazy too. Well I'm not! I'm not fucking crazy!"

"You're a psycho freak!" The woman shrieked. "Look at you!"

Joker cringed, knowing the cybernetic rebuilding of her body was a sore spot for her. He hadn't spoken the whole time he watched the scene before him unfolding. It was like watching a shuttle race just in anticipation of a crash. The crash was coming, and Shepard lunged only to be blocked by Jacob.

"Someone get Nolan out of here!" He shouted. "Get Miranda!"

Joker wasn't about to volunteer, and he saw Dr. Chakwas guiding Nolan out of the room.

"I'll get her myself." Shepard tried to move around him only to be headed off again.

"Sit down, Shepard You're not going anywhere until you cool off."

Shepard's eyes flared. "Get the hell out of my way, Jacob."

"I'm not your enemy, okay?" he placated. "We're all on the same side here."

"Move." Shepard was seething. "Now."

"Just calm down." Jacob reached out to her shoulder and she tried to jerk herself away, but he kept his grip firm on her arms as she struggled.

"Don't touch me!" she shrieked.

Joker knew she was reaching a breaking point. She had already voiced to him worries of Cerberus infiltration and more, and this would likely be all the evidence she needed to confirm her suspicions about what they had done to her when she was comatose.

"Just calm down," Jacob repeated himself.

"You think she's gonna calm down after you blasted her with your biotics?" Joker said, unable to keep his silence any longer. "She doesn't want you manhandling her."

Before anyone could respond Garrus entered the bay swiftly. "What's going on?" He demanded.

"They're working against me Garrus," Shepard answered tearfully. "I was right. They're undercover."

"Who?" The turian asked, glancing from her to Jacob to Joker and back as he approached them.

"Cerberus."

"She caught someone with codes accessing the AI core," Jacob explained.

Garrus' tiny eyes lowered to the man's grip on Shepard's arms, and Joker could recognize the turian's posture as similar to the way he had looked when he came to defend her against Joker's mention of their argument weeks ago.

"Let her go," Garrus commanded.

Jacob looked incredulous. "She just attacked someone."

"Take your hands off of her, Taylor, or I will relieve you of your limbs," Garrus threatened, his tone leaving no room for doubt.

Jacob released her and raised his hands while Shepard moved to the safety of Garrus' arm, walking with him out of the room.

"Did you see what happened?" Jacob asked Joker, sighing.

He couldn't speak against her.

He wouldn't.

"No."

* * *

><p>Joker sat at the helm, wishing he could be alone to think. Jax sat nearby, chattering about anything and everything. For the most part he tuned her out, getting lost in memories of explosions and jagged metal, kinetic barriers sealing off the cockpit from vacuum, and Shepard going through it all to reach him. And her eyes. Always her eyes. The ones that weren't hers any longer.<p>

"Hey."

He shook himself out of the memory and looked over to Jax. She waved.

"Lost ya again," she smiled.

"I'm right here."

"You're spacing out. What are you thinking about?"

Shepard. As usual. He wouldn't tell her that, though.

"Nothing."

"You're thinking about Shepard, aren't you?"

Joker scowled at her. She got no credit for being right. Instead of telling her what was on his mind he decided it was time to put her in her place. "You know, the next time you try to help me out by setting up a confrontation with the person I'm having a beef with, do me a favor and don't."

"I wasn't expecting you to show up," she said, turning back to her display. "Besides, someone had to tell her she can't go around treating her staff like shit."

"She doesn't. She's good to her crew and she risked her life to save them. If you were here a month ago it woulda been your ass she saved, too."

"She just attacked one of them," Jax said incredulously. "Why are you defending her?"

"That lady is new and was poking around where she shouldn't. Shepard doesn't treat everyone like shit."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Just you then?"

"You don't know the extent of what we've been through."

"I know that you haven't been eating since she broke things off with you," she pointed out. "And you're even more glum today. You're being quiet. More quiet than usual."

"My mood today has nothing to do with that."

"What does it have to do with then? Is it what happened here?" She prodded. "You said you got Shepard spaced."

"Jax, I appreciate that you're trying to be buddy buddy with me, I do," he said, trying to restrain himself from snapping at her. "But there are some things I will not confide in you about unless I'm too fucked up to know what I'm saying. This is one of them and unfortunately the bar is out of my preferred drink."

"I'm just trying to be a good friend."

"I know." Joker rubbed his hands over his face.

"If you change your mind and wanna talk, though-"

"I don't. Please drop it."

"I'm just saying I'm here if-"

"And I'm just saying drop it. Okay?" His patience with her was thinning. He would talk about himself, but the subject of Shepard wasn't up for discussion and he was getting stressed out from Jax's mindless jabbering. "Just be quiet for ten fuckin' minutes."

He couldn't get his thoughts straight. He couldn't think with company watching and commenting on his every facial twitch. With a heavy sigh he looked over and saw his friend working diligently at her station, her lips pursed into a line.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "I just... I don't know. I need a break."

"I can take it from here if you need some time alone."

"Yeah," he nodded. "Okay, yeah. Thanks."

Jax nodded in response and stood to replace him at the helm, taking the seat as he left the bridge for his room.

Once there the view from the observation window froze him.

_Alchera._

The icy planet was cold and unrelenting like the void of space around it. Shepard was down there now, her only company Hawthorne in the shuttle.

The only time Joker had breached the subject of her death with her he had done so in anger, attacking her and holding her responsible for everything that had happened. He had once told himself that it was easier to be angry at her than to mourn her, and while that was true, he found that mourning her hadn't been nearly as difficult as longing for her was now.

It had been easy to finally let his guard down and let her in.

It had been so easy for her to rip him apart.

But he still wanted her.

And that made everything all the worse.

* * *

><p>Shepard sat at the starboard bar, a battered helmet in her lap filled with the names of twenty lives lost. She rifled through them, placing each on the counter top in front of her as she thought of her solitary walk on the barren planet the ship was currently speeding away from.<p>

The sound of her own breathing had surrounded her, all other noise outside her environmental suit muted as flecks of snow fluttered along the wind passing through the shattered remains of the bridge of the SSV Normandy SR1.

It was there that a turning point had been made. One that set in motion a series of events that shaped the paths of so many across the galaxy, warping some and cutting others short completely. How many could have been saved from the Collectors had she lived? How could the death of one person result in the death of thousands? But she couldn't have foreseen the ripple effect her fate had caused.

As she looked over the names of the fallen she saw that they made four neat rows of five dogtags each. But more than twenty people had been killed that day, and she was suddenly aware of the cool metal against her chest. Setting her old helmet atop the bar she brought her hands to her neck, pulling her own tags free and placing them below the rest.

Shepard ran a finger over the name and rank on the tags Liara had kept when she recovered her broken and burnt body. If she had lived they would be current and she would still be in the Alliance serving with her crew, but in her place she would have left another to the fate she met.

Instead of sitting in a rogue Cerberus vessel she would be in an Alliance frigate, running her finger over the recovered dogtags of Flight Lieutenant Jeffrey Moreau.

Leaving someone behind wasn't an option. A call had been made and given the choice she would do it all over again.

_Even if it means your own life._

Garrus' words reverberated in her head.

A life for a life was a fair trade. She would always go back through the wreckage for him.

Death had been peaceful. The initial panic had been terrifying, but it had been an easy fight to lose.

Rebirth had been hell. Living was a struggle.

She reached for a nearby bottle of liquor. Opening the lid permeated the air in front of her with the fermented scent of whatever-it-was, and she brought it to her lips drinking it down in gulps.

It burned on the way down, and she coughed, bringing a fist to her mouth, tags clutched tightly within. Better her tags than his. Flight Lieutenant Moreau wouldn't have been revived. His death would have been permanent whereas hers was temporary. She would suffer everything she had in an instant to ensure his life further. He was worth it. All the heartache she had caused herself was not, and another drink from the emerald liquid scorched its way down her throat.

She gagged and sputtered, wiping away at her chin and setting the bottle aside as her eyes watered. Tears streamed down her face and she groaned to herself. They seemed to be running on standby the past month, and she was sick of it.

"Pull yourself together," she whispered, throat thick with emotion. "Stop it. It's your own damn fault." Sitting alone as she dealt with her demons was avoidable if only she had the courage to let those who cared for her in. Avoiding her issues had gained her nothing. "You did this to yourself." Reasoning with herself wasn't working, and the tears only came faster. "Damn it!" she cried, wiping her face with her arm as she let her grief consume her.

Standing and grabbing her helmet she turned it upside down and held it to the edge of the counter top, sweeping the group of tags into it. Her fist opened and she looked down at the identification in her hand. It didn't belong with the others and it no longer belonged on her neck.

She threw the necklace angrily to the corner of the room with a fierceness.

"Fuck!"

With a shriek she launched the helmet swiftly after, turning back to the bar to reach for anything else to throw and catching the sight of her glowing eyes in the mirrored shelving that lined the back wall. The bottle she had been drinking from flew from her hand and shattered her reflection there, leaving jagged shards of glass to make up pieces of her and the room as she stood with her hands in her hair, pulling at it while she looked madly back at herself.

"I am losing it," she gasped, leaning down on the bar top, covering her head with her arms. Earlier she had nearly strangled someone out of paranoid thinking. If Jacob hadn't stopped her she would have. "Oh, god," she cried. "I'm fucking losing it." When her panicked tears refused to subside she straightened to leave, hoping to find refuge in her bed or shower. Anywhere else but an area where people could stumble upon her in this unstable state. When she turned she stopped dead in her tracks.

In a darkened corner, silently watching her and holding a bottle of his own in his hands, sat Joker. He looked haggard. Even in the low lighting she could see his eyes were rimmed with red, tired and puffy as they stared into her.

They were locked in a solid gaze, unmoving. Both of them rooted to the spot. Two broken souls wanting so desperately to cling to each other in their grief but unable to push past their own defensive barriers.

The surprise of unknown company had stopped the flow of her tears immediately, but seeing who was sharing her private torment restarted them just as easily and they trailed down to her quaking chin before dropping away.

Joker grimaced and he scrunched his eyes closed as he let out a ragged breath, shaking his head and pulling the bill of his cap down as he turned away.

The break in their hold was a dismissal, and Shepard blinked, a gasping sob escaping her as she hurried to leave the room before she cracked completely.

"Wait," Joker's voice called out hoarsely.

She was almost to the door. A few long strides beyond that would be the elevator that could take her to the haven of her quarters.

"Wait!"

Shepard slowed in the middle of the room, head down, tired and overcome with misery as her stammering cries turned to steady weeping.

"Hey." Strong hands gripped her shoulders, and Joker turned her towards him. "Hey. Look at me."

Shepard forced her eyes closed and shook her head. She couldn't look at him. The hold she had on her emotions was stretched too thin and if she saw him so close to her now she would break.

"Please look at me," he implored.

"I can't."

She pulled away from him and left, running blindly for a refuge that she wouldn't be able to find.

* * *

><p>"Joker?"<p>

Jax's head peeked through the door to the starboard observation room before she entered, walking over to the bar and taking note of the damage to the mirror there before turning and noticing him sitting in the same spot he had been in when he watched Shepard breaking down before him hours earlier.

"There you are."

"Leave me alone," he whispered, head down, the bill of his cap blocking out the room.

"What?" She asked, walking to him.

"Leave me alone," he repeated, wiping away any remaining wetness from the tears he'd been shedding periodically the past few hours.

"Are you drinking?"

His hands rested atop each knee, a half full glass of something green in one and its bottle in the other. "What's it to you if I am?"

She settled down beside him and shrugged her shoulders. "It's not going to solve anything, you know," she said gently.

"What do _you_ know about it?"

"I know that pain won't heal if you won't let it," she offered. Joker snorted and rolled his eyes. "I'm just trying to help."

"I didn't ask for your help. I don't need your help."

"You can't just drink yourself into oblivion."

He shook his head and sighed. "I've had one damn drink. _One_. And I didn't even finish it," he said, holding up his glass before placing it and the bottle on the floor and standing to walk to the observation window. "Stop trying to be my damn mother."

Jax followed him over. "I'm not tr-"

"You don't know me," he spat, whirling on her. "You don't know me and you don't know shit about what I've been through. How the hell are you supposed to help me?"

Jax looked up at him, at a loss for words. Joker crossed his arms and stared down at her, waiting for her inevitable response. "I'm beginning to wonder why I want to," she answered quietly.

Joker rolled his eyes and shook his head. "See, this is why I don't have friends. I like to be alone. I don't enjoy entertaining people. I don't have the time nor the patience for social bullshit. It doesn't interest me."

"You're wrong," she said sadly.

"Oh really?"

She looked as though she was going to say more, but paused and pursed her lips as if deciding against it, her eyes falling to the floor. The sudden halt of their bickering threw him off and broke the vigor with which he prodded her. He found himself feeling guilty for refusing her genuine offer of friendliness, and he turned away. Jax moved to his side and stared with him out into the darkness.

"I'm sorry for what I said about Shepard," she said quietly. "I know she's important to you."

Joker's voice came out as a whisper. "I don't want to talk about her."

"You should talk _to_ her. You'll never heal if you don't."

_Heal?_

He'd lived two years alternately mourning her and blotting everything out in alcohol. Shepard being brought back to life couldn't negate the fact that she had died. Now she wouldn't even look at him, but he saw her everywhere, in reminders and in person. There was no escape. How could he possibly heal?

"Jax?"

"Yeah?" Her tone was guarded.

A look at her face broke his heart a little bit. She was expecting more harshness from him. He had played at being her friend to make Shepard jealous, he had called her undeserved names, and still she came to him with friendship.

And, like him, she was alone.

"Do you really wanna help me out?"

"Of course."

"Good." He could feel himself giving up, collapsing in on himself even as he said the words. "Then take the helm and keep it."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jax asked as he turned and left the room. Her voice called out behind him, but he didn't slow as he walked to the elevator. "Joker? What's that supposed to mean?"

* * *

><p>Joker stood outside the door to Shepard's quarters, trying to get his thoughts in order. He knew what he had to do. The hard part was finding the courage to say it.<p>

He felt like a traitor...

But it had to be done.

He couldn't keep living like he was.

Something had to change.

"EDI," he spoke.

"How can I help you, Mr. Moreau?" The disembodied voice came over the intercom in the hall.

"Tell Commander Shepard I need to speak with her."

"Very well."

Any nerves he might have felt were dampened by emotional exhaustion, and he waited patiently for the doors to open. When they did Shepard stood in front of him, looking nothing like the hero the Alliance proclaimed her to be. She was a woman being pulled in a hundred different directions; barely holding herself together.

Joker wouldn't let himself be another cause of strain to her.

"I need to talk to you."

"Okay," she said hesitantly, stepping aside. "Come in."

The room was large and open. Joker looked around as he walked in, stopping at a display above her desk that housed an assortment of ships, spotting a model of the SR1 identical to the one he owned.

"Do you want to sit?" Shepard stood by stairs leading down into a living area.

"Sure."

As they settled themselves onto adjacent sections of the sofa Shepard wrung her hands together, looking down at them. "It's good that you came by. I wanted to talk to you, too."

"I think you've talked enough," Joker said. "It's my turn now."

Shepard looked up at him before nodding and lowering her sight from his.

Before he could psych himself out he said the words he'd mustered just enough determination to voice aloud.

"I'm leaving."

Shepard's eyes were wider than he had ever seen them. Shock was written across her face.

"What?"

His courage seemed to be fading quickly. He couldn't go through with it if he looked at her, so he focused instead on his boots.

"I can't stay here anymore."

"But-"

"I'll come back," he interrupted. "I was here when all this started and I'll be here to finish it. Just give the word if you find out what's going on with the reapers and I'll come running. I just need a month or two... maybe more. I don't know."

"Why?" she asked meekly.

_Why?_ Joker shook his head and looked at her. Her eyes were already shining. She knew. She had to know. There was nothing left for him here. "Why do you think?"

"You can't just leave."

"Give me one good reason why I should stay," he challenged. Her silent stare was all the confirmation he needed. She didn't want him. She never had. Not the way he wanted her. "That's what I thought."

"I can't do this alone," she said.

"You have Garrus and Tali. They'd follow you anywhere."

"But I need you here."

"I said I'd come back." With what he wanted to say said he had no reason to linger, standing to go. "Anyway, I didn't want to leave when we get back to the Citadel without saying anything. So, take care of yourself."

As he made his way to the stairs Shepard's footsteps could be heard behind him.

"Wait. Please don't go." Joker stopped and sighed. She wasn't going to make this easy. "I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?"

"For hurting you."

She wasn't going to make this easy at all. Neither was he.

"That's too little too late," he said coldly.

"But I _am_ sorry," she cried. "What else can I say?"

Her tears weren't nearly as effective when he couldn't see them. If she wanted to draw things out he would play along.

"How about an explanation," he said, turning back to her and crossing his arms. "I think I deserve that much."

Shepard mirrored his image and crossed her arms over her chest. "When I tried explaining myself before you told me to leave you alone."

Joker sighed and shook his head. "Fine. Forget it then."

He began to turn to leave again but she stopped him.

"Wait. What do you want to know?"

"What do I want to know?" What did he want to know? Why had he agreed to joining Cerberus for her? Why after being resurrected did her ghost still haunt his mind? Why did she have this magnetic pull on him? Why did she use him? Why did she act like she actually cared that she had hurt him? Instead of those questions he asked the one whose answer could reopen the wound in his heart that had begun to beat for her. "Why am I not good enough for you?"

"Not good enough?" Shepard's expression was one of confusion.

If she didn't want him for anything more than a mindless fuck then obviously he wasn't good enough for something substantial. But why? What about him was so unworthy? Was he that much of an asshole? Didn't he deserve some minute inkling of happiness in the torment that had become his life?

"I know I'm not the best you can do, but I would give you everything I could."

"It's not a contest," she said. "There's no competition."

"Everyone is competition, and I'll come out dead last every time."

"That's not true."

He was tiring of her caring act. She was talking without saying anything again. "You haven't answered my question."

"You _are_ good enough," she said, squeezing herself more tightly and looking at the floor at her feet. "_I'm_ the one who isn't good enough."

Joker clicked his tongue and narrowed his eyes at her. "Spare me the 'it's not you, it's me' bullshit."

"It's not bullshit. It's true. You saw me..." Shepard ran a hand through her hair, her eyes worried as tears sprung from them and slid down her face. "I'm fucked up, and I'm not doing anything right, and I need you to stay here, so please don't go."

"There's no good reason for me to stay," he shrugged, shaking his head.

"Jax isn't as good as you."

"She's a natural, and with experience she'll be better than me some day. I wouldn't leave if I didn't think she was more than capable of helming this ship. Speaking as her flight instructor you can trust that judgment."

"I don't trust her."

Joker scoffed. "And you trust the guy that got you killed?"

"What?"

Her face was stricken, and he clenched his jaw as he prepared to fight her on this.

"Oh come on. Don't play dumb."

"That wasn't your fault."

"Yes, it was," he said gravely.

"No-" Shepard shook her head.

"You could have lived. If I had abandoned ship upon the order, or if I'd just gone with you right away instead of arguing, or if you hadn't had to practically carry me to the escape pod because of my fucking useless body." Hatred for himself built with each reason for all of the ways in which he had killed her. Shame squeezed him so greatly he felt he was suffocating, and he lowered his eyes, unable to look Shepard in the face. "Those seconds cost you your life. Just seconds, and you wouldn't have been blasted away from the pod. You died because of me."

"No, I died because of the Collectors; because of the Reapers," she disagreed, stepping closer to put her hands on his shoulders, pulling at them to get his attention. "If you need to place blame somewhere then place it in its rightful spot."

"You think I haven't tried?" He said through his tightening throat. "That I haven't done whatever I could to get this shit out of my head?"

"Please don't blame yourself."

"I'm the only one there is _to_ blame. You came back for _me_," he explained, opening his eyes to her and seeing her tear stained face looking up at him. "I wish you hadn't."

She shook her head in disbelief. "Don't say that."

"Truth is hard to hear. My truth is that I got you killed... and now you're back. You're here, and I'm here, and you want nothing to do with me."

"That's not-"

"I can't live like this. I am so tired of everything." Weariness filled his body, and he closed his eyes, wishing he could disappear. "Two and a half years of just - I don't know - just existing, and finally something good happens... but it was all bullshit."

"No. Joker, please..."

"Every time I close my eyes all I see is you, and every time I turn around there you are... and you want nothing to do with me." A frown pulled at his mouth and he felt his chin tremble. His voice came out with a weak tremor, but he no longer cared. "I can't stay. I have to get away from you. If I can't get you out of my head when I'm asleep I can at least get away when I'm awake."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't fucking say that," he snapped, pulling away as he glared at her_. "You_ aren't the one who should be sorry for _anything_. You_ died_... and _I_ lived. _I'm_ the one that's sorry. _I'm_ the one that needs to atone."

"And _I_ made the choice to go back for you," she reasoned. "It wasn't your fault."

"It was," he insisted.

"No," she countered softly. "It wasn't."

The resolve he felt wasn't wavering, but neither was hers. It was time for resolution, either way, and Joker looked down at his feet, not wanting to see the reaction in her face as he asked the last thing he ever would of her.

"Please forgive me" he whispered.

"There's nothing to forgive," she said.

"Please, just tell me you forgive me."

"Jeff..."

"You don't understand. I need this," he begged, grasping at her shoulders, tears lining his eyes. "Please."

Shepard opened her mouth as she shook her head, her eyes flicking back and forth between his. "I forgive you."

"You forgive me?"

"Yes."

"No you don't," he said glumly, releasing his grip and pushing her away gently. "You're just telling me what I want to hear."

"No. You're forgiven," she said in exasperation. "I don't even blame you. Just please don't go."

"I have to."

"No," she repeated. "Please stay. I need you."

"You have a pilot."

"Fuck the job," she snapped before pausing to take a breath and collect herself. "You don't have to fly, just please stay."

"If not to fly then stay for what?"

There was a pause, and he looked at her, waiting. When he thought she wouldn't say anything she finally did.

"Me."

Joker's eyebrows knit together and he tilted his head. Did he hear that right? Her voice had come out so quietly he could barely make out the single word.

"You want me to stay for you?"

"I want you to stay _with_ me."

"_With_ you?" Could he dare to hope?

"Yes, please stay with me." Was her request just an empty cry for comfort from the nearest available source? "Please don't go." She reached for his hand and stepped closer, eyes pleading. "Please stay."

She had given her life for his only to be resurrected and used as a weapon, and if it was all he could offer her he would pay his debt to her through undying loyalty.

"I'll stay."

The words came unbidden.

Shepard all but threw herself against him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and holding her face against his neck, her tears wetting his skin and her voice cracking as she spoke. "Please don't leave me."

He had taken her life and lost his heart. The passion for flight held since he was a child was fading under the overwhelming feeling of desolation that had begun to corrode him ever since the woman who destroyed him had been destroyed herself. Joker knew in that moment he would give her whatever she asked of him regardless of the risk to himself. The risk would be minimal; he had nothing left to lose.

Encircling her in his arms he held her to him, closing his eyes and breathing her in. "I won't."

Damp eyelashes brushed against his jaw and he turned his face to hers. Teary eyes were laden with a desperate vulnerability that matched his own, and he searched them, wondering if what they were saying was clear to either of them. If she was asking for solace he wanted the same security.

"Please don't hurt me," he whispered.

"I won't," she promised. "I won't."

But he didn't know if he could believe her.

She kissed him then, gingerly and with closed eyes. Joker stood still, eyes open, unsure and cautious. Doubt kept a weight on his heart, prodding the bruise still there from the wound that she had inflicted. He needed the pressure lifted. He needed a release. He wanted to cry into her arms. Instead he pulled her closer and pressed his lips firmly to hers, and she let out a breath between their mouths, an accompanying meek whimper muffled as they desperately held to one another, releasing their suppressed longing into concentrated kisses.

Tears demanded to surface, seeping through his closed eyes, and he teased her lips apart with the tip of his tongue, needing her to taste his sadness as they surrendered to each other.

The hat fell from his head as Shepard ran her hands through his hair and grasped at him, and he moved his hands along her back, twisting the fabric of her shirt into his fists as he tried to convince himself that this was real and that she wanted him just as badly as he wanted her.

Joker pulled away from her lips, breathing in quaking shudders as he buried his face in her neck, her hair soaking up his tears while he held her body in a vice against his own. She surrounded him with gentle arms, the warmth of her hands easing the tension in his body while her head nestled into his shoulder.

"Stay with me tonight?" she requested meekly.

Joker could only nod, afraid that if he spoke his voice would come out as shaken and frail as he felt inside.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So, this chapter has its own title: "Permission", which is the title of the song that directly inspired this fanfic in the first place. It's what inspired me to write Joker as I have. It's the whole reason this fic exists in the first place, pretty much. I think of it as Joker's theme. If you would like to take a listen there is a link in my profile under Chapter 13 mood music "Joker's theme". Also, there will be a sad little tune that fits Shepard's fragile frame of mind during the last couple chapters. It's not as important to me as "Permission", but its a nice listen, nonetheless.**

**I sincerely hope this chapter delivered. Thanks to everyone for the wonderful reviews on the last chapter and about the story in general. Your kind, encouraging words keep me going.**

**Be well, everyone.**

**SmD**


	14. Chapter 14

**_Disclaimer: _**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Mass Effect © BioWare._

**A/N: I'm baaaack. After debating with myself on whether to scrap this and start from scratch (because I've read this multiple times over the past couple years, and each time I think of how it could have been so much better) I decided to just go with it. I can always write another fic in the future if I feel like it.  
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**There's a link to the mood music for this chapter in my profile. It played on repeat for two days straight. Literally.  
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**Anyway, this is the longest chapter yet. Perhaps to make up for a nearly three year absence? If anyone's still interested after that long, I'll be pleasantly surprised.**

* * *

><p><strong>Breaking the Barrier<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 14<strong>

* * *

><p>Days passed uncounted, stretching on in the onyx void of space like an eternity until time lost all meaning and became a master only to those who allowed themselves to be driven by it.<p>

Joker allowed no such thing.

He had freed himself of the restrictions of kept time.

Sleep came when his body willed it, hunger quieted when demanded by the growling of his stomach, no sooner than required to maintain his life. Moments in between were filled with thoughts of her. Always of her.

Shepard's current behavior might have been unrecognizable when compared to the reputation many knew her by. The fiery dominance with which for so long she had been fueled by had simmered down to coolly assertive. Kelly and the good doctor had seen to her after her violent outburst against the victimized crew member, now gone from the ship roster, and the calming effect of medication altering Shepard's chemical balance left her wholly collected. There had been no details mentioned of her altercation within the ranks of the ship, except for that an understanding between the involved parties had been reached, and Miranda remained in her position of Executive Officer.

After returning to the Citadel Joker had yet to resume his duties at the helm. It had been nearly three weeks, and he had no interest in setting foot in the cockpit. Shepard's forgiveness hadn't had the effect he had hoped it would, and culpability from the suffering she had endured since her resurrection continued its presence. He found that, despite her words of absolution, the heaviness of blame still resting upon his shoulders blanketed him, and the weight of it was exhausting. Happiness was hard to reach for when shame was always on the fringes of his mind, tainting everything with its darkness, but, eventually, even that gave way to resignation, due in part to his own medications that coursed throughout his body, dulling the magnitude of his torment, leaving him in a fixed state of mild melancholy.

Jax made regular appearances in his room. Sometimes he would find her there reading quietly and they would share the space in companionable silence, Joker reading books from the selection Kasumi left behind while waiting for Shepard to return from whatever business she conducted on the Citadel. Sometimes they would talk, and Jax would tell him stories about her brief time in the Alliance and what it was like living on Illium with her dying mother. In most cases Joker would listen, offering words only to encourage her to keep talking, but every so often he would make mention of a memory of his own that could relate his experiences to hers. Those memories often spoke of grief.

Like the days leading up to the destructive culmination of their blossoming romance, the only comfort Joker found was in the presence of Shepard. Her body against his warmed his soul and gave reprieve to the endless hours of dissatisfaction felt regarding the state of his life. They only ever embraced under the cover of bedsheets, affectionately but not intimately, and she hadn't kissed him since their promises made to each other. Each encounter with her was approached with careful hesitence, and he let her set the tone for their interactions. With each night spent in each others company his understanding of what had happened between them grew until he came to accept the realization that everything they had experienced with each other prior to his confession of guilt had been a gross misunderstanding on both their parts. Yet, despite Shepard consistently inviting him into her bed nearly every night, Joker still felt himself not completely worthy of her.

* * *

><p>Shepard breathed deeply as she woke, inhaling the musky scent of the still sleeping man whose shoulder she rest upon. Joker had been her bed companion for the better part of the week, and for nearly an entire week before that. They hadn't discussed it, but ever since she asked him to remain with her that first night she had continued to do so almost every night thereafter. It was always the same. They would spend time with each other in her quarters, watching movies, reading, talking quietly and with caution, then the time for sleep would come, and as he rose to say goodnight she would ask him: <em>Stay with me tonight?<em> And every time he would smile and nod, remove his cap and boots, and settle into her bed beside her.

Every morning was the same. She would awaken, and he would have been awake for some time already. He would brush her hair from her face, and stroke her cheek, and say good morning in such a way that it felt like another loving caress. Shepard would close her eyes and feel her heart swell, and she would hold herself to him and say good morning, not as a greeting, but as an affirmation of his words ringing true.

This morning was different - Shepard was awake, and Joker was still sleeping soundly.

The previous evening had been a revelation.

"_Stay with me tonight?"_

_Shepard smiled at Joker. It was part of their routine, and she knew that whatever setbacks they encountered during the day were made right with this simple solution. When their brains told them things were offbeat, their bodies told them otherwise, and they would find themselves reassured in each others arms. It wasn't a great solution, but it worked for the time being, until they were ready to figure out whatever it was that kept them from growing closer._

_Instead of returning her smile as he removed his cap his eyes flickered to the side, and he looked solemn as he sat down to remove his boots._

_Shepard furrowed her brow. He was pulling away again. He had made a habit of closing himself off to her every few days. She never took it personally. After witnessing just how vulnerable he had allowed himself to be with her she summoned her inner strength and regained her sense of command. Her issues had always come second to those of her crew, and it only took a breakdown for her to gather her bearings and become the calm within the storm once more._

"_Hey," she said, coming to sit beside him. "What's the matter?"_

_Joker gave her a half-smile and shook his head. "It's nothing."_

"_Joker, come on."_

_He sighed and sat up. She could see him internally arguing with himself about whether he should say anything while he regarded her._

"_Well?"_

_Another sigh escaped him, and he swallowed, looking out at the room while he gathered himself. Usually he didn't say anything. Usually she would end up having to take him by the hand and lead him to the bed where they would hold each other until she felt him relax into her._

"_Honestly?" he asked. Shepard nodded. "I don't know what's going on here. I'm kinda waiting for you to change your mind about whatever this is. To tell me that it's a bad idea, or a mistake, or something."_

_A pang of hurt shot through her. She knew, in her heart, that insecurity plagued him. He had been devoted to her and she had continuously left him hanging, and in the past two and a half weeks she hadn't told him how she felt, instead thinking her actions would speak for themselves._

"_I'm not going to change my mind." Her hand found his and she leaned forward to catch his eyes. "I was confused before. I was afraid."_

"_So was I," he said, looking at her with hurt still fresh in his eyes. "I took a chance on you and it blew up in my face."_

"_I'm sorry. I was afraid, but I'm not anymore."_

_He smiled at her sadly. "I'd like to be optimistic, but I'm thinking that gift wrapping my heart to present to you isn't a good idea if there's a possibility of you stomping the shit out of it again."_

"_You have every right to be wary but please trust that I want to be with you. I care about you. Please, trust that." She squeezed his hand for emphasis, and he pulled her into his side._

"_I want to." He let out a breath that was partially a laugh. "Guess only one of us is afraid now. You worked me over real good."_

_Shepard tucked her legs beneath her and wrapped her arms around his torso, nestling her head into the crook of his shoulder._

"_I'm never putting you through that again," she promised. "Can't we just forget it ever happened and start fresh?"_

"_I don't want to forget," he said, looking down at her and lifting her chin with a tender hand. "I want to remember the first time I kissed you. Not that lame shit in the mess, either. I mean really kissed you. All soft lips and grabbing hands." Joker raised his hand to stroke her cheek, running his thumb over her mouth as he continued quietly. "And, even if it didn't mean to you what it meant to me, I want to remember the first time I made love to you. The feel of you against me, wanting me." He swallowed and gazed at her with lidded eyes, his voice falling to a husky whisper. "I want to remember that burning look in your eyes the first time I made you come."_

_Shepard's breath hitched and she lowered her eyes, blushing wildly as her heartbeat picked up in response to his words. "Jesus, Joker."_

_"Oh, I'm not joking," he teased. When she looked back up at him his cheeks were flushed, as if he were embarrassed at his own words, and he cleared his throat while readjusting the cap on his head. "Nope. Definitely don't want to forget that - even as fucked up as the morning after was." He fingered a fraying seam on his pant leg while his blush faded, his eyes cast downward when he spoke again. "The best I've felt in years was from waking up and feeling you next to me that morning. If it means keeping the bad to hold onto the good it's worth it. You make me feel like I'm coming alive again. Slowly but surely. I can't just forget everything that's led up to this."_

_Shepard desperately wanted to kiss him in that moment, more than she had ever wanted to kiss anyone in her life. But the sudden appearance of tears ruined it. His words touched her in a way that no one else had, and she knew right then that she was his and he was hers and nothing could get in the way of what was happening between them except for themselves. She began berating herself for her foolish behavior but her words came out jumbled and nonsensical between whimpers. Joker, looking more worried than ever, began to apologize profusely for making her cry._

"_Shit," he exclaimed. "I've fucked it up already. Can't say anything right, can I?"_

_Shepard shook her head and let out a laugh. "No, no," she sniffled, smiling. "I just know exactly what you mean." He cocked his head in inquiry and she continued. "When I woke up I could barely stop to breathe, and when I did everything I'd been ignoring came hurtling at me at once. I broke down. And now I feel like I'm finding solid ground again, and it's all because of you."_

"_I hope that's a good thing."_

"_It is," she said, settling back into his side. "I didn't want to deal, but you asked. You're the first one that came to me and asked if I needed anything."_

_Joker shrugged. "Someone needed to."_

"_And it was you." Shepard looked up at him. She never would have guessed the arrogant, sarcastic man she first met on the SR1 had such a tender core, never would have believed he would find his way into her heart like he had._

"_Well, yeah. I mean, I cared." He pulled her closer to him and rested his cheek upon her head. "I know I didn't show it very well, but I cared. I do care. Very much."_

_"I wish I had gotten to this point sooner," she mumbled. "I am so sorry that I hurt you."_

_"Gonna feel guilty about that for a while, huh?"_

_"Probably."_

_"Hm," Joker hummed. "Well then, I'll have to milk it while it lasts."_

_Shepard's jaw dropped. She sat up and gave him a little shove, trying to suppress her smile._

_The sides of Joker's mouth stretched out in gratification. "I would do anything to see you smile."_

_At that she gave in, smiling at him sweetly. "Just stay with me."_

_A sudden intensity came over his features, and he pulled her back to him, brushing wayward strands of hair from her face, and raking his fingers over her cheek so lightly she barely felt it. She held her hand against his, pressing it more closely to her face, and the look in his emerald eyes warmed her so completely Shepard thought she felt her heart melting. _

_He dipped his face to hers, slowly, but without hesitation, and placed a delicate, lingering kiss upon her lips that filled her with the purest emotion she had never before experienced._

_"There's nowhere I'd rather be."_

* * *

><p>The next days were filled with meaningful looks and discreet touches, hands held during meal times underneath the cover of a table, and sneaking away to hidden corners for brief kisses and whispered words. Shepard's affection was like a balm to Joker's soul, better than any pill the doctor could push on him, better than anything he had ever known. She gave it freely now, without restraint, and he accepted and returned it in kind. It felt as good to shower her with his devotion as it was to receive hers. Before he had said the best he'd ever felt was from waking up beside her. That had been topped by the knowledge that she cared for him in the same way he cared for her. It was bliss…<p>

Until she started asking questions.

With the progress of their emotional connection came the advancement of their physical intimacy, and their evenings in Shepard's quarters began to include what Joker referred to as "soirees in the boudoir."

They laid side by side on the sofa, legs intermingled, hands groping over clothing, the only sound in the room the smacking of their mouths meeting and parting and meeting again.

Joker pulled away from her to catch his breath, and he squeezed his eyes closed tightly to regain a sense of control. "I'm not going to be able to walk around without getting funny looks if we keep this up."

"Huh?" Shepard propped herself up on an elbow beside him.

"I'm getting a little... uncomfortable."

She looked at him quizzically. "Why?"

"Jesus. You're getting me hard, alright? Do I need to spell it out?" Joker could feel his face flush, and he pulled his legs free of hers as he sat up.

Shepard grinned sheepishly and bit her lip, sitting up beside him. "Sorry."

"I'm not complaining. I just…" He paused, Shepard waiting patiently for him while he gathered himself. "I just think we should cool off."

"Of course," she said, smiling and sidling up to him. "No rush."

"Just give me a couple minutes." Joker felt bad. He had told himself he would let her decide how far to take things, but he found he wasn't ready for fear of moving too fast. He worried she would feel rejected every time he stopped them from going any further than they already were, but she always took it in good stride, with patience and understanding. "Talk about something. Distract me."

After a moment of thought she spoke. "I dreamt about you last night."

Joker raised an eyebrow at her. "Is that supposed to be helping? Because my mind is totally going to naughty places with that."

Shepard leaned back, resting her head on the cushion behind her. "I dreamt that I got into the pod with you."

Not what he was expecting.

"What?"

She turned her face toward him and spoke quietly. "On the SR1, during the attack. I got into the pod with you and we made it."

"Oh."

"The crew stayed together and we got a new ship," she continued calmly. "Everything continued on like nothing ever happened."

"Is that what you wish had happened?" Worry lines etched themselves into his forehead, and anxiety began creeping into his chest. He had been neglecting to take his medication since things had been going smoothly between them. Hindsight. What a bitch.

Joker studied her expression, and it was thoughtful. "No," she finally said.

"No?"

"We weren't together in the dream, but I still knew what I know now. If things hadn't played out like they did we might not have found each other." A small smile played at the corners of her mouth. "I'd do it all over again."

The thought amplified the tension in his chest, and he grabbed her hand as if it would persuade her into agreement. "Promise me you won't put yourself in danger to save one person again."

"I can't promise you that," she said apologetically. "My entire life has been about saving and protecting others."

Joker had forgotten she was still a Spectre and running the occasional side operation for Admiral Hackett. She would still be put in danger on a regular basis. She was rebuilt from the ground up, but she could still die. An acute pain stabbed at his heart. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you again. You were only my CO before and I was wrecked. If I lost you now..." _I'd lose the only thing that mattered anymore._

"Did you ever talk to anyone?" she asked. "After the attack?"

"Yeah. During mandatory Alliance evals.."

"But they didn't help?"

"The Alliance? Pfft," he rolled his eyes and picked his hat up from the floor where it had been carefully placed. "They don't want to deal with shit like that. A couple evals and you're handed a bottle of pills then sent on your way. Here ya go, Lieutenant!" He called out boisterously, making a mockery of his analyst. "One pill every six hours and you're problems will be solved!" The stress of anxiety turned to aggravation as he recalled his experience with non-sympathetic Alliance psychiatrists and Officers who looked at him with blame clear in their eyes. He placed his cap atop his head and pulled the bill over his brow. "Bullshit. There is no quick fix."

"Have you tried talking to someone in the civilian sector, specializing in veterans?"

"No. I got grounded and then teaching fledglings how to fly kept me busy."

"Hasn't Kelly tried talking to you?" she continued to press him.

"Why are you asking all this?" It was grating on his nerves, bringing up old feelings that were better left in the dark recesses of his memory.

"I just want to understand," she said softly. "If you need to talk I'm-"

"I'm not discussing it further," he snapped.

She looked somewhat taken aback, somewhat sad. "Okay."

"Well, my wood's been effectively killed," he said caustically, standing and making his way to the door. "You did what I asked." Joker stopped at the stairs, ashamed of himself for allowing his emotions to get the better of him, distraught for pushing Shepard away and not knowing if it would damage the good thing they had going on. "Look, I know you mean well, but I don't want to talk about it. Okay?"

"Okay."

"I'm not ready," he explained.

"I understand."

Her voice sounded small from across the room. He almost went back to her to apologize but, not wanting to encourage further questions, declined to do so, and, walking through the doors of her cabin, promised himself he would try harder next time.

* * *

><p>Doctor Karin Chakwas had been attending to the medical needs of Jeffrey Moreau for the better part of three years. Treating osteogenesis imperfecta was quite different than patching up the typical injuries soldiers acquired during mission operations. With Jeff, she felt herself a real doctor, and, in caring for him after the destruction of the Normandy SR1, her fondness and concern for him grew exponentially.<p>

The barbs he threw at her for acting like a mother toward him (and him having no interest in having another to replace the memory of his own) had hurt her more than she showed, but she continued to act towards him with a firm but caring demeanor. It surprised her, when, one day, after several weeks of a temperament ranging from glum to outright angry, he offered his apologies and went so far as to hug her. He had never hugged her before. She was immediately concerned.

Jeff began doing whatever she told him to, no questions asked. Ever since his drunken outburst he had been appropriately contrite, and admitted he was working on coming back into her good graces.

He was currently laid out on the med lab floor, going through the motions of his exercises. The doctor sat at her desk, looking over a plan she had come up with to continue the rebalancing of his muscles in order to correct his still slightly uneven posture.

Out the window separating the med lab from the mess hall she saw the crew milling about for breakfast. Shepard, Garrus, and Tali sat down together, talking, eating, drinking. It was hard to read the two aliens. Karin hadn't spent enough time around turians to discern the differences a slight tilt of the head or flaring of the mandibles could mean. Tali, hidden behind her visor was a constant mystery, save for the girlish, sometimes awkward fidgeting of her hands. Shepard looked pensive, only half paying attention to her company or her food.

"Jeff," Karin called out.

"Yep," he answered from his spot between tables.

She tapped a pencil against her lips, wondering if she should skirt around the issue or be frank. Joker had never seemed to care for beating around the bush, growing impatient with her tact on prior occasions. "Has Shepard spoken to you about Alchera at all?"

Karin swiveled in her chair to face the young man, rising from his cover. He studied her with barely concealed suspicion as he wiped the sweat from his neck.

"Why?"

"I'm working closely with Ms. Chambers' in regards to the health and well-being of the crew. Shepard is a top concern of ours, and anything you can tell me about topics of worriment for her would be of great help."

"Okay."

The tone and look he gave her was slightly skeptical, but sounded willing enough to entertain the direction of the conversation.

"So, did she speak with you?"

"Yes," he answered simply.

"And what did she say?" Karin asked.

Joker busied himself with his usual post-workout duties, rolling up his mat and making for the storage cabinet to stow it. He paused before reaching for the medicine cabinet holding his daily pills, and leaned against the countertop. When he spoke it was hushed. If she hadn't been just a few feet away she might not have heard him.

"She said it wasn't my fault."

Karin smiled sadly to herself, battling the urge to walk over and place a supportive hand on his shoulder. He went about his business, swallowing down his meds and tossing the disposable cup he used. Karin hadn't expected him to offer any more, but he surprised her.

"I almost left, you know."

Her smile faded, and she folded her hands in her lap as she absorbed his words, wondering about all the things that meant coming from him.

"And why didn't you?"

Joker turned and faced her, looking about the room before his eyes settled at a spot behind her somewhere.

"She said she needed me," he smiled. It didn't last long, and when he caught himself he averted his eyes and made his way to leave. "See ya later, Doc."

Karin watched him as he left, then swiveled her chair to watch him through the window into the mess hall. He walked into the dining area, paused and scratched at his neck, then turned around and headed for his room. At the table, Shepard sat, watching him as he went. When he was out of sight she turned back to her food, slouching a little lower in her seat.

The doctor tapped a pencil against her lips as she picked apart their body language.

"Curious."

* * *

><p>Shepard stood at the CIC, looking down at the galaxy map, plotting the course to their next mission objective. She nodded to herself and set the coordinates for their route.<p>

"Commander, you have a new message at your terminal," Kelly chimed.

"Thank you," she nodded to the Yeoman.

* * *

><p><em>From: Chief Helmsman Moreau<em>

_Subject: (none)_

_Come to the helm._

* * *

><p>Shepard locked her terminal and made the walk to the bow of the ship. When she reached the cockpit the pilot chair turned Joker looked up at her from the seat. The doors of the helm closed behind her and Shepard raised an eyebrow at him.<p>

"Hi," he said, raising the bill of his cap.

"Hey," she replied. Joker waved his hand at her spot on the bulwark, and she smiled as she seated herself. "You're taking back the helm?" she inquired.

Joker puckered his lips to one side and tilted his head before sighing and nodding.

"If I'm going to be here, then I should really be here."

Shepard nodded. "I'm glad."

"Me too," he said, raising his hands to the holographic display before him. "Say," he continued. "You ever have a front row seat to a relay jump?"

"I've watched from the helm before."

"Ah, yes, but not from the pilot seat." He grinned up at her and raised his arms in welcome. "Take a seat, milady."

Shepard laughed, not quite believing what he was offering. "What"?

"Come on," he beckoned to her.

"On your lap?" she asked, sliding down from her perch and stepping closer to him. "Couldn't that hurt your legs?"

"Not if you're sitting between 'em."

"You trying to get fresh with me, Moreau?" she teased lightly.

"I wouldn't dream of it," he said with mock innocence. "Well, actually I would, but no. Now come sit."

"If you insist."

He took her hand and guided her, supporting her waist as she settled in front of him.

"I do." His breath was warm against her neck as he spoke through the shipwide comm.. He placed one hand on the flat of her stomach, maneuvering the ship single-handedly with ease. "Citadel Relay is in range. Initiating transition sequence." Shepard placed her own hands over his, and focused on the view before her, the massive relay ahead growing larger and larger as they approached. Joker's lips brushed against her neck, and white, blinding light flashed before them, illuminating the bridge and catapulting them to the next relay. Systems checks read like a textbook, and Joker whispered into her ear. "And _that's_ how it's done."

Shepard breathed deeply and cleared her throat. It _was_ different from the pilots seat - partially because she was cradled in the pilot's lap. "Glad to see you're earning your pay."

"I don't call myself the best for nothin'," he grinned into her ear.

They were silent for a few minutes as the ship traveled back to the relay. There were two more jumps to be made before reaching their destination. Shepard would happily sit there for all of them if she didn't have anything else to do.

"Thank you for being patient with me," he murmured, wrapping his arms around her midsection. "If I start being too much of an asshole, though, then tell me. Somebody's gotta keep me in line."

Shepard sighed into him, covering his arms with her own. "Things are different now."

"But I like it when you're straight with me. Even back on the SR1, you never treated me like some sorry bastard because of the Vroliks. Giving me special treatment, ya know? You treated me like I'm just a normal guy."

"You _are_ a normal guy."

He removed his cap and placed it on her head backwards, tugging on the brim to pull her head back and kiss her on the cheek. "And you're sweet."

"Yeah, well don't let it get out that I've gone soft. I'd rather be known for being psychotic. Crew gets wind of this and next they'll start thinking I'm some mother hen."

"I think the Doc has that honor."

"Mm." Shepard smiled, recalling the way the doctor had begun calling her 'dear' and offering to be her shoulder to cry on. She had been taking her up on the proposal, speaking in greater detail about her struggles as of late. The woman was one of her favorite people. "You know... you told her in a pretty harsh way that she wasn't a few weeks ago."

"I know…" Joker said guiltily. "She told me everything I said, to her and to you. I've been grovelling regularly to make up for it."

Shepard chuckled. "She's a good woman."

"Yes, she is. She was there for me a lot... when you were gone."

The unprompted information gave her the idea he was open to sharing, and Shepard went for the opportunity with a statement to encourage him to keep talking.

"You had a pretty rough time of it."

"I was in a bad place to say the least. Guess I haven't quite kicked some of the unsavory habits or personality traits I picked up then, either. I'm sorry for what I said to you, too. The way I was acting."

She shrugged. "You were drunk."

"That's a pretty weak excuse for being an asshole."

"I deserved it."

"Yeah, maybe." He kissed the side of her neck and mumbled into her hair. "I'm still sorry, though."

Shepard turned her face into his, kissing him gently. "I forgive you if you forgive me." She stood, placed his hat back on his head and leaned over to hit the control for the hatch. "Meet me in your quarters when you're off duty."

"Is that an order?"

A smirk tugged at the corner of her mouth. "Yes."

"Aye ma'am," he grinned, giving her a crisp salute.

* * *

><p>It was quiet, most people asleep in their beds, as Jax oversaw the guiding of the ship through the dark space of the Attican Beta Cluster.<p>

Shepard was prepped and ready for the mission the following day. She wasn't sure if they would meet any hostility, but if they did it would be her first time back in action after having been scorched by the fiery abomination she owed her latest scar to. The patch on her neck and jawline had healed nicely, and with time would fade to a silvery sheen like the rest of her collection.

But scars were the least of her worries.

Heading back into the fray had her more nervous than she cared to admit. The only way she knew to overcome the fear was to expose herself to it, and she was determined, not only to kick its ass and reclaim her confidence in battle, but to face her mortality with experiencing life at its most extreme: under threat of death.

To do that successfully she needed rest. The only way she could rest well was in the company of Joker. The few times they had slept alone in the past weeks it was fitful, and they both woke with the personalities of sleep deprived children.

Shepard walked into Joker's dimly lit room. She looked around and found him laying in his bed, reading a book. He set it aside as she approached and smiled up at her in greeting.

"Take off your pants and stay awhile."

"Wow," Shepard laughed. "Forward, aren't you? Are you trying to get me naked?"

"Noooo," he grinned. "Just trying to level the playing field. I'm in my shorts under here. It's only fair if you're in your skivvies too."

She arched a delicate brow at his brazen suggestions, but she was eager to comply and sat down at the foot of the bed to begin removing her boots. "You know, when I said wait for me in your quarters, I didn't mean in the nude."

"I'm not naked." A sly smile formed on his face, and he leaned back, clasping his hands behind his head. "But I could be."

Shepard smiled, biting her lip and shaking her head. "You're incorrigible."

Joker shrugged and watched her as she pulled off her pants and let down her hair. She put a knee on the bed to climb in, but he interrupted her.

"Wait." She questioned him with a tilt of her head. "Take off your bra."

Shepard felt her pulse quicken. They had been sleeping fully clothed for the past three weeks and had a non-existent sex life. What was he planning? If it involved getting naked then Shepard was all for it. Three weeks was long enough. "Aye aye, sir," she said enthusiastically.

Joker's eyes lit up. "Ooooh. Role reversal. I like this game." He bit his lip and looked over at his nightstand, grabbing his hat and tossing it to her. "Put that on." Shepard donned the cap, and after pulling her bra from her sleeve threw it to him. He caught it and draped it around his neck, unabashedly admiring her physique. "You're perfect. Let's see a twirl." Shepard let out a giggle, feeling somewhat silly, and spun around. Joker's smile grew with each command fulfilled. "Lovely. Okay, now do a little shimmy dance for me."

Shepard clicked her tongue and threw his hat at him. "Joker."

"Alright, alright," he chuckled. "Can't blame me for trying." He lifted the blanket for her and motioned her over with his head. "Get in here."

When she got into the bed he immediately grabbed her and began rolling them up in the sheets. He rolled over her twice before coming to rest atop of her, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

"What are you doing?" she asked, beaming at him with delight at his playfulness.

"Making a love burrito."

"You are so silly," she laughed.

He laughed with her, but it had a devious edge to it. "And now you're trapped."

"What?"

With that he began tickling her sides, unrelenting, until she had tears in her eyes. She was almost worried she would end up reflexively elbowing him, but he stopped before she had the chance to begin begging him to. Her laughter died down, and her breaths followed after, but her pulse stayed beating steadily, because now his mouth was at her neck, peppering her skin with sensual kisses.

"I'm happy you came down," he breathed into her skin.

Shepard closed her eyes and arched her neck into his lips. "Me too."

"Are you staying for the night?" he asked.

"If you'll have me."

"That's all I can think about lately."

Joker's mouth met hers with a fierce hunger, and his hands traveled under her shirt, running over the taut skin of her ribcage and sliding down her sides, over her hips, and to her thighs. He raised her leg over his hip and she felt his desire hard against her thigh. When she pushed against him he responded with a squeeze of his hand on her ass and a thrust of his hips.

Shepard writhed against him with intense longing. They had been denying themselves for long enough.

Or so she thought.

"Maybe we should cool down," Joker whispered gruffly, making no attempt to do so.

"Mhm," Shepard agreed, not actually meaning it.

She pulled him on top of her and he swept her legs apart with his own, settling between them, the only thing keeping them apart two thin layers of clothing. When he ground himself against her she moaned and dug her fingers into his back.

Joker groaned, pressing his forehead against hers. "We should really cool down."

A whine escaped her lips as he rolled off of her. "Why won't you have sex with me?"

It wasn't the most thoughtful way of breaching the subject, but she wanted to cut to the chase. She was all worked up with no end in sight, and it bugged her.

"Uh... well, I, uh," Joker stuttered before coming up with a reply. "You mean more to me than that."

"You mean more to me than that, too, but this is fucking torture," Shepard exclaimed, sitting up and running a hand through her hair.

Joker grimaced, adjusting himself. "I know."

"So what are we waiting for?"

"I want to do this right."

"Me too." His dedication to their relationship was sweet, and it appealed to her tender side, if not her animalistic side. "But, usually, making love is part of being with someone," she reasoned.

"I'm just trying to take this one step at a time."

"What step is this?"

Joker shrugged. "The let's-deny-ourselves-because-I'm-not-sure-if-we're-going-too-fast step?"

Shepard leaned over him and brought her lips to his, speaking against them as she kissed him. "We're not."

She slid her hand down his stomach, continuing lower to rub against the hard length straining under the cloth of his briefs, and he responded with a moan. His hands found her breasts and he palmed them, running his thumbs over her nipples eliciting a gasp from her.

"Ungh, goddamn it," he grumbled, pulling away from her mouth and stilling her hand with his own. "You're not helping."

"You started it in the first place."

"I can't help it. Do us a favor and choke me out before I get carried away."

"I want you to get carried away. I can feel that you want this just as badly as I do."

"I'm hangin' on by a thread here."

"So cut it. I want you."

"I want you, too…" The uncertainty in his voice had her pulling away from him and feeling not unlike a siren at sea, tempting him into a hypnotic trance. His next words sobered her. "But more than that I don't want to fuck things up."

She nodded. "I can get on board with that, and I don't want to talk you into something we're not both ready for."

"Oh I'm more than ready," Joker sighed, looking anguished.

"I'm surprised you have access to your conscience at all in the midst of this," Shepard noted. "Mine seems to conveniently disappear. That or it morphs into the horny devil."

"Don't give my conscience any credit - he's rubbing one out as we speak."

At that Shepard laughed, and Joker joined her.

"Well, since we're not going to be getting it on, in the meantime... what to do about that?" She nodded at his groin.

"Ugh. Just ignore it and it'll go away."

He was so wound up he looked like he was in physical pain. Shepard bit her lip and considered a thought before voicing it aloud.

"How about we step it up to the next level and I take care of it for you?"

* * *

><p>Joker stared at her. "Progress," he said. Shepard nodded in agreement. "I'm intrigued. What would that entail?"<p>

She pushed his shoulder and he laid down as she sat up beside him, her hands travelling along the broad width of his chest and moving slowly down his stomach. His muscles tensed as she ran her fingers along the trail of hair beneath his belly button. When she moved her hands to the waistband of his briefs and tugged at it she looked to him.

"Is this okay?" He had barely heard her, being too caught up in what she might do next to do anything but see and feel. "It's okay if you don't want to."

"I definitely want...something."

Joker fought with himself. He wanted this. He wanted her. Very, _very_ badly. He was sure if he looked in his underwear his balls would be an intensely vivid blue, but he worried about pushing things too far, too fast. The first and only time they had made love had definitely been impulsive, as Shepard had called it. He had been thinking with the wrong head when he followed her to the elevator and didn't want a repeat performance of the morning after.

But they were on the same page now. They were in a relationship. _He_ was in a relationship... with _Shepard_. _Commander_ Shepard, comma, _the_. The thought made him suddenly giddy.

She poked his belly. "What are you smirking about?"

"Nothin'."

"I'm trying to get into your pants and you look like someone's gone and told a joke," she pouted.

"I'm not laughing at you, I promise."

"What's up then?"

"I'm just happy," he shrugged.

"I can see that," she said, lifting an eyebrow and looking directly at his crotch.

"So, where were you going with this?"

Her other eyebrow arched, and he rose his expectantly.

An almost surprised half-smile formed on her face and she moved to kneel between his legs, reaching up to slide her hands down his stomach before resuming her plans at his waistline. She tugged his last remaining piece of clothing down slowly, keeping eye contact with him as she pulled them down his hips. Goosebumps covered his flesh, not from being exposed to the air but from heady excitement when Shepard traced her fingers over the jut of his hips and along the lines of his abdomen leading down to his erection. She licked her lips and looked up at him.

"Oh my god," he muttered.

"Any objection?"

He tried to answer but his tongue was caught in his throat. "Nuh-uh" he mumbled.

"I don't want to force you."

"You're not," he managed.

"So, just to be sure, is that a red or green light?" She was teasing him now, making him squirm, and loving every moment of it.

"That's an emergency sign flashing 'please fucking god, yes'."

She chuckled as she leaned in to lick him from base to tip. The sight of it turned him on so fiercely he nearly came on the spot, and his head made a thunking sound as it hit the wall behind him.

"Oh-ho-hoo fuck," he groaned loudly as she engulfed him.

After regaining his sanity he held himself up on an elbow and raised his free hand to her head to run his fingers through her hair, pulling it to the side and keeping it tangled up in his fist to watch as she stroked him with the hot seal of her mouth. Gentle suction caused his hips to jerk upwards involuntarily and she placed a forearm over his abdomen, holding him still as she devoured him. When she hummed around him the coil in the pit of his belly tightened but it was the swirling of her tongue massaging him in just the right way that would do him in, and he tapped on the side of her neck to warn her.

"Babe, I'm close." She swirled around him again and he moaned, tapping more quickly at her neck. "You're gonna make me come," he informed her, breathlessly.

She didn't budge as she locked her eyes with his, and he tensed, holding his breath as his pleasure built to its peak. At the last moment she lifted her head, replacing her mouth with her hand, and Joker squeezed his eyes closed tightly, biting down hard onto his lip and groaning as she stroked him to release. He collapsed onto the bed and smiled lazily, opening his eyes to watch her as she stood and looked around the room, holding up her hand that was covered in the evidence of their interaction.

"There are towels..." He waved his hand around. "Somewhere." Joker closed his eyes again, and he heard Shepard walk to one side of the room and back, opening them again to see her standing over him with a smug smile on her face. "What about you?"

"We'll take care of me next time."

Joker would have none of that.

"Oh no. We're not finished here." He grabbed her and pulled her down onto the bed, and the sound of her delighted laughter filled the room.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I know. It's been a while. I hope those of you I told not to hold their breath are still out there somewhere, and I hope you still love it after all these years. If you do, lemme know with an encouraging review. Or, just let me know what you thought of this chapter. Likes? Dislikes? Things you're hoping to see happen as the story progresses? **

**I've got about eleven more chapters in my outline. I can't make any promises on update frequency, but I'm hoping to pump out a couple more chapters this week. We shall see.  
><strong>

**SmD**


	15. Chapter 15

**_Disclaimer: _**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Mass Effect © BioWare._

* * *

><p><strong>Breaking the Barrier<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 15<strong>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Four weeks ago...<strong>_

_Softly playing music wafted through the open air deck of one of the many cafes located on the Zakera Ward of the Citadel. It had been a fortnight since Alchera, and the ship had remained docked as the crew enjoyed R&R while awaiting new orders. A very specific order of business drew Shepard's attention - one she had been anticipating for some time._

"_You mean to tell me you knew about this for weeks and never said a word?" Red glowing eyes would have bored holes into the person sitting across from her if they had the ability to do so._

"_Yes." Miranda's features remained perfectly unchanged as she answered coolly._

"_Why?"_

"_I'm sure you wouldn't have believed I wasn't connected to it in some way." _

"_You should have told me. I almost _killed _Nolan. You were smart to lock yourself in your office or I would have killed _you_."_

_Miranda smiled. "You would have _tried_."_

_Shepard pursed her lips and sighed in irritation. Even with the animosity she felt, her gut told her the woman was being as honest as she was forthcoming. "When did you first learn of the suspect communication?"_

"_After the arrival of the newest additions to the ship's crew." Miranda leaned forward and activated her omni-tool, stretching her forearm across the table so Shepard could view it. "See this?" she pointed. Shepard nodded. "It's an encrypted message sent from an unregistered communication device aboard the Normandy. Any correspondence must be sent through the Normandy's comm. system in order to reach a buoy. I was able to use the comm. receptors to triangulate its location, that being the cargo hold."_

_"Why didn't EDI intercept it?"_

_"I don't know. That's part of my concern now. Before I only had suspicions about EDI; now I'm sure it's compromised in some way." _

_Miranda paused and Shepard nodded. "Go on."_

"_I hired Nolan specifically for her background in AI tech and subterfuge. This message is dated just an hour after I sent her into the AI core. While she didn't have the opportunity to learn anything," Miranda said, looking at Shepard pointedly, "that incident did get someone's attention. I didn't find anything during that time frame on the cargo bay feed recordings, but I was able to trace the message to a public access communication hub at a settlement on Feros."_

"_Feros," Shepard murmured, leaning back in her seat and running a finger around the rim of her water glass as she recalled visions of the Prothean cataclysm gained from the mind of Shiala - the asari Saren had sacrificed to gain the Cipher for himself - after destroying the huge, sentient-plant, the thorian. "If we go there we might be able to find out who sent the message, and who received it."_

"_But don't you think it's odd?" Miranda continued. "No one would be stupid enough to send a message aboard the ship unless they knew EDI wouldn't interfere, or they wanted to be caught. It's too sloppy. It could be a trap. If we follow that lead we could be walking into something we aren't prepared for."_

"_But if we don't, something we aren't prepared for could come walking into us," Shepard countered. "I'll contact Liara - maybe she can give me something. Then we head to Feros. You, me, and Tali." She wondered briefly if there were any other thorians active on Feros, and if more mind-controlled ExoGeni employees would be there to greet her once they arrived. "I'll inform Garrus for backup in case something happens while we're planetside, otherwise we keep this quiet. Need to know only."_

"_Understood," Miranda complied._

"_If this ends up being a trap you'd better be ready to prove I can trust you."_

"_You can, Shepard. I won't let anything happen to you. You were _my _project, after all," she smiled._

* * *

><p>"As your best friend, I'm hurt that I didn't get an invitation to your party," Garrus said under his breath, struggling with a spoon held in the three digits of his hand until giving in and wielding it like a shovel as he attempted eating with human utensils.<p>

"Nothing personal, Gar. You'll always be my favorite turian," Shepard assured him, bumping her shoulder against his. "But this is ladies night. No men allowed."

The pair danced around the hidden message within their quiet conversation with ease as the Normandy neared their system destination. None of the closer crew members at the table seemed to be paying attention to the allegory they were spinning.

"What if uninvited guests show up?" he asked. "I could provide security. You can never be too careful."

"A turian bouncer might draw the attention of unwanted guests," she pointed out. "It should be a quiet affair. We'll be fine."

Shepard was a ball of nerves, the restful sleep she had gotten the night before doing nothing for her now as she buzzed in her seat, bouncing her knee in a poor attempt to relieve some of the anticipatory energy racing through her system. Soon enough she and her team would be on Feros, poking around a colony for the information they were seeking.

When she looked up and caught Joker watching her from the other end of the table the nervous twitching slowed, and a flutter in her body drew the attention away from her pre-mission jitters. Out of the corner of his eye he watched her, and when he noticed her notice him, he lowered his face, glanced around at the others nearby, then gave her this _look_. It smoldered and told her he was thinking of things not particularly suitable for breakfast conversation. A satisfied smile played on his lips when Shepard felt her cheeks warm with a rush of her blood. She bit her lip to stifle a smirk, and gained a similar look on her own face as her eyes unfocused, the thought of him naked, aroused, and moaning her name as she had her way with him filling her vision. A couple hours prior to sitting at the breakfast table had seen a fairly similar scene, starting with her waking to the feel of Joker's morning-wood pressing into her back and his hands wandering over her body.

"What about entertainment? "Garrus asked, snapping her out of her erotic reverie. "If you have unexpected guests, perhaps I could keep them busy. I've got a few moves I could show them."

"Moves?"

"Dancing, Shepard. I'm actually pretty good, ya know. I could give you lessons sometime, save you from any future embarrassment."

"I'll hold you to that," she replied, taking a breath to refocus her thoughts on the mission to come.

Joker cleared his throat, catching her sight once more, and nodded to his quarters.

"I've gotta get ready soon," Shepard announced.

He pulled a face and went back to his food.

"I'll hold down the fort." Garrus leaned in close, eyes serious. "But if you need me, I'm ready for anything."

"If anyone gives us trouble, you'll be the first person I call," she said, stuffing her mouth full of food for the energy she might need should things go sour groundside. The nerves returned, along with the bouncing of her leg, as she went over possible situations and their contingency plans in her head.

* * *

><p>The ExoGeni colony on Feros had expanded in the three years since Shepard had been there last. Research labs and housing for explorers, scientists, engineers, and vendors covered multiple levels in the towers stretching like enormous metal trees above the hazy clouds and into the dust filled sky. The center of commerce, also the colony square, sat mid-rise in the tower they had been dropped at. Children ran about under the watchful eye of daycare workers, and groups of teenagers gathered around in cliques, gossiping and teasing one another as parents tended to their work. It had become a successful community, and Shepard was pleased to see how she and her team had helped the settlement avoid becoming permanent slaves as thralls to the thorian.<p>

The shuttle dock was quiet at the far end of the platform, vastly different from the busy center where the public communication hub was located. Shepard stood, arms folded, hand on the pistol concealed under her jacket, keeping watch from behind the shade of a darkened visor while Miranda and Tali scanned through and decoded the data they had recovered.

"Here's your guy," Tali said from her crouched position behind a stack of large delivery crates.

She was pointing to an image of the communication hub they had just hacked on the display of her omnitool. A human man strode up to a free kiosk and looked around before accessing the terminal. The image was grainy but clear enough to make out his features.

"Miranda?" Shepard asked.

Miranda leaned over, studying the image of the man at the station. "I don't recognize him."

"Crop that image and send it to me," Shepard instructed Tali.

With luck it would be the same person retrieving messages at this location at every pick-up. If the image was good enough Liara could get her a face match along with every bit of information available on the man.

"Shepard, look." Miranda held her arm out as she moved to stand closer.

* * *

><p><em>Subject: Operational Report<em>

_From: CCO Gestas_

_An unaffiliated crew-woman has unsuccessfully attempted to infiltrate the AI core of the currently unrestricted Enhanced Defense Intelligence. Lazarus caught and attacked the aforementioned crew member. Crew member has plans to resign from position at next port. If the EDI becomes compromised another course of action will be required._

_Next correspondence pick-up date unknown. Public communication hub will be accessed at earliest opportunity upon arrival at next docking station._

_-Gestas_

* * *

><p>"Lazarus," Shepard whispered. "Cerberus. They <em>are<em> after me." Paranoia crept into her system as she flickered through images of crew names and faces in her mind. At least one of them was traitorous.

"CCO," Miranda said, pulling her arm back as the omnitool flickered away. "It stands for Cerberus Covert Operative."

"Cerberus," Tali said, folding her arms across her chest. "Bastards. They're on the ship right now, doing who knows what."

"They're on the ship," Shepard echoed. "And we don't know how many, or if they're new or original crew. Just because the correspondence is dated after the arrival of the newest members doesn't clear the rest of them. They still worked for Cerberus willingly."

"And some of us left willingly," Miranda reminded her.

"Some," Shepard said. "I trust them enough to run the ship properly, but beyond that they're unknowns." Still, even after her accusation it would shock her to learn of Jacob spying for the Illusive Man. Even Kenneth and Gabby would be a surprise after having claimed support for her cause while in the Alliance so convincingly, but Shepard had to admit it would all be a good cover.

"How do we find out who Gestas is?" Tali asked.

"We go back to the Citadel and give the crew seventy-two hours of staggered liberty. We watch who leaves the ship and where they go. With the limited time there that might spur the mole into retrieving any expected response."

Miranda nodded. "If and when we find out who this person is, and who they're reporting to, what then?"

Shepard narrowed her eyes, surveying the dock as she thought. "Let them keep their cover. If coming to Feros is of concern to them, they might notify chain of command and give us something more to follow."

"This is all too easy. Finding the correspondence, the use of the Lazarus Project codename - we could be playing right into their hands, and even if that's not the case, if this lead takes us anywhere close to the mark then they could act preemptively," Miranda added. "If they plan on using EDI in some way we could be in critical danger. Perhaps it's best if we reemploy the constraints."

"All we know for sure is they're watching me and they're watching EDI. We can't touch the AI. Not yet. We need more information." Shepard began walking back to the shuttle where Hawthorne waited. "We're going to proceed with plans to return to the Citadel and monitor the crew. I'll delegate assignments personally once we've docked and are off-ship."

The two other women nodded their understanding, and the three of them boarded the shuttle to return to the ship. Once there, all were regarded with new eyes.

* * *

><p><em>Radiant light assaulted Shepard from every direction, blinding her eyes as she stood weakly on her bare feet, cold on the unforgiving metal studded floor. Screams seeped through the walls, and a naked woman could be seen through the large window into a sterile surgical room, struggling against the table she was strapped to as a man with glowing blue eyes approached her from behind, a lit cigarette in one hand and a scalpel in the other. When he plunged the tool into the woman's face she went still, and he removed two bloody orbs from her head, replacing them with two others. His mouth moved, like he was speaking, but no sound could be heard through the glass this time. He freed the woman from her restraints then walked through a door to leave; before he did, he turned to the window and smiled. <em>

_The woman woke and fell from the table, barely landing on her feet. She shouted as she staggered around the room, holding her hands out in front of her as though she couldn't see. The bright light of the room faded until it was pitch black, but she could be faintly heard crashing into equipment, her cries becoming more and more frantic each time, until finally she stumbled into the window. Shepard squinted into the room, and two red beams peered at her from behind the glass. Then, like cracks in the cooling surface of molten lava, orange light began seeping from tears in the woman's flesh, making out the shape of her body in the darkness._

_Something moved in the room behind Shepard, and a trickle of fear slid down her back. Closing her eyes, she turned slowly. When she opened them the woman stood before her, inches away._

_"Save me," she said calmly, voice smooth and detached._

_Shepard stood, unmoving, not breathing, absolutely terrified._

_The lights in her eyes and body flared brightly, and the woman shrieked, lunging for Shepard and digging her fingers deep into her flesh. "Save me!"_

She woke screaming.

Joker was holding her against his bare chest, practically cradling her in his lap as he made shushing noises while rocking her back and forth. Shepard curled herself against him as the fear still coursing throughout her subsided.

"It was me," she said quietly, mostly to herself, as she recalled the nightmare vividly. "I couldn't save myself."

"From what?" Joker asked, soothing her with every sweep of his hands over her back.

"The man with a God complex and unlimited resources." Despite her concerns, Joker being there when she was panicked reassured her, and she knew he would do whatever he could to keep her and the ship out of the Illusive Man's grasp. Then she realized she had gone to sleep alone. She sat up with a start. "I thought you were flying tonight?"

"I got drowsy, nodded off a couple times," he admitted guiltily. "Jax relieved me." Shepard worried her bottom lip with her teeth. Jax had arrived just a day before the new crew. Her background timelines checked out, and Liara hadn't turned up anything dirty on her... but still, Shepard wondered. "You can trust her," Joker said, as if he was reading her thoughts.

"I can count the number of people I trust in this galaxy on one hand," she said, scooting out of his lap and getting up to retrieve a mug of water from her desk. "She's not one of them."

"Am I?"

Shepard swallowed a mouthful of the liquid, set the cup down, and turned, leaning against the table. "Of course."

"Well, I trust her enough," he said after a moment, moving to sit at the edge of the bed. "Shouldn't that mean you give her the benefit of the doubt?"

"It doesn't work that way. Not for me." If trusting people herself wasn't always wholly reliable, then trusting someone by extension was certainly out of the question.

Shepard thought of how she would have trusted the crew of the SR1 with anything. In addition to merely being under her command, they believed in her, they rallied around her, and they had supported her when she needed them most. And then they had died because of her. _No, because of the Reapers,_ she told herself, just as she had told Joker. And now another enemy was after her, and any crew loyal to her could suffer the consequences but she couldn't tell one from the other.

"What happened on Feros?" Joker asked.

"Why?"

"You've hardly said a word since you got back," he said.

_Yeah, because EDI could be spying on us along with whoever else is keeping tabs on me for all I know,_ she thought to herself.

"And you've been staring off into space with this worried look on your face for a couple minutes now."

"I've got a lot to think about."

"If you want to unload any of it, I'm capable of carrying some of that weight."

Even with his own struggles he would shoulder hers. It made her care even more deeply for him. Shepard smiled drowsily and came to stand in front of him, running her fingers through the mess of hair atop his head as he looked up at her. She bent down to place a kiss upon his lips, punctuated with a touch of the tip of her nose against his.

"When we reach the Citadel, then we'll talk."

He nodded, not pressing her further, and slid his hands up either side of her hips, over the dip of her waist, and around her ribcage to her back, pulling her toward him as he reclined on the mattress. She slid carefully into his side, one leg propped over his, and let her hand play along the light spattering of hair on his chest as he wrapped a protective arm around her.

Joker laced his fingers with hers, and she began playing instead with them, twirling them around each others, tracing lines over his open hand, and reconnecting again, palm to palm.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.

She was worried. Worried that someone would hurt her. Worried that someone would hurt him, or her friends who had become her family. The ship was their home, and it had turned into a pit of vipers they had to live amongst. Beyond that was the threat of Reapers, which she had no idea how to contend with if the Council races wouldn't back her.

"I don't know," she replied. "But I feel okay when I'm with you."

Shepard felt him press a kiss into her hair. "Same here," he murmured.

The pair eventually made their way back under the covers, and Joker kept her tucked closely to his body. The rest of the night found them curled up together, sleeping peacefully.

* * *

><p>Traveling through dark space was a lesson in patience. Hours felt twice as long when concerns couldn't be tended to until reaching the Citadel, and there were eight left to wait through until reaching the mass relay that could send them on the short ride back.<p>

Shepard was restless. Watching the crew in the cargo bay over camera feeds sent to a monitor on the workstation in her loft kept her for a couple hours, but all the while she paced the space of her office area, from desk to fish tank and back again, wishing she could spar with Garrus or Thane but knowing she couldn't; the former ever watchful at the security feed set up in the main battery, keeping note of who used the elevator, when they used it, and when they returned, and the latter still on the Citadel, trying, too late, to be a father to a wayward, adult son.

Tali, on the engineering deck, did much the same as Garrus, making herself comfortable in the secluded belly of the ship that Jack once claimed. The quarian performed a double duty, both monitoring the elevator and scanning through local transmissions, hoping to intercept any on standby before they were close enough to be sent to a buoy.

Miranda, tucked away in her office, surveyed the command deck, watching closely those who left their stations, and even more closely those who didn't, knowing an omnitool would be all but invisible when held against the backdrop of a similarly colored holographic display.

So lost in pacing and the image of the cargo hold was Shepard, that she nearly collided with Joker as he entered the cabin, two steaming mugs of coffee in his hands.

"Whoa there," he said, spinning to the side to avoid a scalding.

She reached for a mug eagerly, taking it from him and blowing on it before taking a careful sip. "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you."

Joker smooched her by way of greeting and settled himself into her desk chair, removing his cap and setting it down in the free space near the shadow box containing her Purple Heart medal before sipping his own coffee. "You are thrice welcome."

"Everything going smoothly up there?" she asked, lifting her chin.

"Smooth as can be. We should be hitting the system in about five and a half hours. I'll take the reins when we're an hour out."

"Good."

Shepard sat atop the desk, wiggling her foot while keeping her eyes plastered to the monitor, staring at it but not really seeing anything except for the same repetitive motions the mechanics made every time the shuttle returned from a pick up. She was slightly convinced a few more run-throughs would be all she needed before the possibility of firing the crew and doing routine maintenance herself became plausible.

They watched together in silence for a while. A mechanic dropped the tool he had finished using, breaking the monotony briefly.

"Riveting," Joker commented. "What _will _he do next?"

"I'm on the edge of my seat with anticipation," Shepard muttered. She sighed, standing up and twisting at the waist to pop her back. Joker made a sound of distaste and wiggled in his seat. She paid it no attention and stretched her arms into the air, releasing her energy in the form of a vocalization as she did so. "Ugh," she bellowed, sniffing and rolling her shoulders. "I don't know how guards do it. Surveillance duty is boring as fuck."

"Feeling a bit antsy?" Joker asked.

"How'd you tell?"

"It looked like the cargo bay crew was working through extended turbulence." When she looked at him dumbly he simplified. "Your twitchy foot was shaking the monitor."

"I'm a bit on edge," she admitted, leaning back against the desk.

"I probably should have brought you decaf then." A half-hearted smile from her got him out of his seat and standing before her. "Anything I can do?"

"Take watch so I can run laps around the shuttle bay."

"Does this feed have zoom and slow motion capabilities?" The grin on his face stayed there, even with the disapproving expression she was trying to convey to cover her mild amusement at the thought of him ogling her while she ran. "Eh, didn't think so." He put a hold on the live feed, delaying it while he spoke. "You know, babe, we're light years away from anywhere and anyone. If anybody tries to pull anything, we have a five hour window to catch and correct it, and this boring shit will be just as boring at double speed."

"What are you suggesting?"

"I'm _insisting _you take a break."

"I could use one," she acquiesced.

Joker leaned closer, placing his hands on the surface behind her to trap her between his arms.

"I do have a suggestion for how you might spend that time," he smirked.

She smirked back.

* * *

><p>EDI's voice sounded over the intercom stating a comm. request from Kelly, and Shepard held her breath, grasping the underside of the sofa with one hand and tugging on Joker's hair to still him with the other. He raised his head, smiling deviously up at her from between her unclothed thighs.<p>

"Open the link, EDI."

"Commander," Kelly chirped. "Jax has detected a cold vessel approximately one light year from the Normandy's course and is requesting permission to launch investigatory probes."

"Request no-oted." Joker curled the fingers still moving steadily inside of her and Shepard's voice rose half an octave mid word. He snickered quietly into her leg, and she bared her teeth, shaking a fist at him in an empty threat. He lowered his face back between her legs, kissing her thigh, shoulders shaking as he held in his silent laughter.

"Ma'am?"

"Tell her to stay the course, Kelly," she all but squeaked as Joker's still smiling mouth descended on her once more.

"Aye aye."

The comm. went silent and Shepard allowed herself to moan, calling out in _oohs_ and _ahs_ as he built her pleasure to its height with the gentle pressure of his tongue and the friction of his fingers. White stars danced behind her eyelids with her explosive release, and Joker groaned against her as she clenched around him.

As her euphoria dwindled she sat herself up, scooting away from him as he straightened across from her, wiping his grinning lips with a thumb.

"Think Kelly caught on?" he asked.

"You are just asking for it," Shepard said, pushing herself onto his body and kissing him ferociously.

His hands went straight for her ass, squeezing and pulling her against his swollen need. "Are you gonna give it to me now?"

"How badly do you want it?"

"Bad enough to throw Jax into Grunt's tank so we're never interrupted again," he said in all seriousness.

"Good, because I'm gonna give it to you."

Joker paused, knitting his eyebrows together. "We _are _talking about sex, right?"

"I fucking hope so," Shepard all but growled.

She unfastened his belt and tugged his pants down forcefully, taking him in her mouth and giving him no relief as he hissed and bucked at the sensation.

"You'd better slow down," he warned, wrapping his hands in her hair as he seemed to be so fond of doing. "You... you'd better..." he breathed haltingly as she continued her relentless assault. "Ooh, _fuck me_," he moaned in pleasurable complaint, giving in to her.

It was over faster than it had started, and Shepard swallowed hard a few times before the taste and scent of his essence could permeate her senses.

"What the hell just happened?" he asked, sounding almost bewildered.

She shrugged. "I couldn't help myself."

"Neither could I, apparently,"Joker muttered, looking down at her as he pulled his trousers back on, a mixture of satisfaction and regret in his features. "That wasn't supposed to happen." He leaned forward and grasped her hands, bringing her back onto the couch with him to lay against each other.

"It'll happen when it happens."

"Mm," he replied.

Shepard smiled to herself as he dozed off. In the moment everything was peaceful, and she wished the galaxy around them would disappear, taking all of its troubles with it, allowing the feeling of serenity to last forever.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Whatever could Cerberus want?  
><strong>

**The possibilities are endless. Any takers? (Not those of you who have read the outline, though - that's cheating!)**

**Next chapter in the works - could be a couple weeks, could be a month. Things are about to get busy for me.**

**xoxo SmD**


	16. Chapter 16

**_**Disclaimer:** _**_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Mass Effect © BioWare._

* * *

><p><strong>Breaking the Barrier<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 16<strong>

* * *

><p>Aroch ward, one of the four arms of the Citadel, was as busy with life at the end of the galactic day as any other time when the Normandy docked at its port. Filled with every component of a thriving metropolis, one could easily get lost amidst the crowds in the buildings, streets, and alleys of the mega-city sized construct. Following someone across the wards would prove challenging but doable with vigilance.<p>

After informing the crew of their liberty and allowing them to sign up for available time slots Shepard set to work, leaving the ship with Joker to inform him of the current situation and make ready for her operation. Joker, having decided against accompanying her on her errands so as not to slow her down, readied himself back on the ship, showering and changing into street clothes that bore no Cerberus logo before heading into the wards a couple hours later with Jax.

"Where are we going?" Jax asked, pressing her nose to the glass front of the elevator taking them from the docks to the ward below.

"I'm going into the ward," Joker replied. "You're going back to the ship."

Her nose scrunched up as she turned to him, confused and wanting elaboration. "Why?"

"I need you to keep an eye on things while I'm out."

Jax folded her arms and leaned a shoulder against the window, crossing one foot over the other. "What things?" she asked.

"Suspicious things involving the ship's systems and crew poking around where they have no business poking around at."

She squinted her eyes as if she were trying to read him. "What's going on?"

Joker knew Shepard wouldn't approve of this scenario, but she had insisted he come with the team to the pre-op run down; if he weren't keeping watch on the ship then someone else would have to in the meantime. The two pilots stepped out of the elevator and walked to a quiet spot on the street where he stopped and sighed, pulling a hand from his jacket pocket and scratching his fingers through his unruly hair before telling Jax everything Shepard had told him that morning regarding the mole activity along with the history he, Shepard, Miranda and Jacob had with Cerberus. Jax's expression turned from surprise to suspicion to fascination to determination as he spoke. Her body language seemed genuine, and by the end of their conversation he felt completely secure that his trust in her was well founded.

When they were finished and Joker told her to return to her post Jax stood stalk straight, shoulders back, hands stiff against her sides. He almost expected her to salute. Instead she extended her hand to him. Joker took it. Her grip was firm as she spoke. "You can count on me."

They both shook, and Joker nodded to himself as his co-pilot walked back toward the elevator. Shepard may not trust Jax, but he did, and that was good enough for him.

* * *

><p>Three out. Three in.<p>

Shifts of eight hours. Three on, one off.

Those were the rules.

Shepard sat at the head of the table in the small conference room rented at a nearby reputable hotel after docking at the Aroch ward of the Citadel. Miranda, Garrus, Tali, and Joker sat with her, listening as she went over their weekend assignments.

"Why is _he _here?" Miranda asked, speaking to Shepard but looking directly at Joker. "I thought this was need to know only."

"He does need to know," Shepard said. "He's the pilot of our vessel, and I trust him."

Miranda regarded him with obvious distaste, and Joker gave her a haughty smirk, smoothing his eyebrows with his middle finger at her in return. She rolled her eyes and shook her head, turning away. It was childish, he knew, but getting under her skin was a payoff. They had never gotten on well anyway.

At Shepard's instruction the group activated their omnitools, each receiving a series of files from her containing informational bios about the crew members they would be following, with the exception of Joker. His job was only to be aware of the situation at hand so if anything happened he could surpass surprise and hop straight into action at the helm. Unfortunately that meant he would be stuck on the ship while Shepard was out on the Citadel. At the very least he would readjust his sleep hours, and they would be able to spend a brief amount of time together before resting. Still, they had barely been apart for the past six weeks, and just thinking of it made Joker miss her.

It would be a long three days.

* * *

><p>Day one passed by uneventfully. Sixteen hours of following people as they went about the different wards was tiring, and Shepard came back to the ship worn with having to stay on top of her assignments. The last had nearly given her the slip in a shuttle cab on the way to a popular nightclub, and worry that it had been the mole frayed her nerves to the max. Sleep was fitful for her that night, despite Joker's presence, and she woke filled with nervous adrenaline wreaking havoc on her bowels as another day of following people greeted her.<p>

The second day proved to be more fruitful.

Shepard was seated at the rear of a theater watching the back of a crew mate's head through the dark brown contact lenses she had picked up the day before, hoping they were pigmented enough to soften the bright red cybernetics of her rapidly decaying artificial irises in the dark of the cinema. The disguise was topped off with the black shaded visor she had taken from Thane's quarters before Feros, through which she watched her current target as he ate popcorn and laughed at whatever comedy was playing.

"Shepard," Garrus' voice sounded in her ear. "I might have something."

"Talk," she spoke lowly into the receiver pinned to the inside collar of her jacket, hoping he could hear her over the sound of the cinema speakers.

"Engineer Sarah Perrault at a comm. hub in the arts and culture district of Teyseri. It's still pretty torn up here, so there aren't many people around, and Perrault's been watching her back the entire time I've been on her."

"Note the location and time and send copies to me and Tali. Keep following her."

"Understood."

The link cut, and Shepard notified Tali who still had one more shift to go while Shepard was on her last. She would have to pick up Tali's assignment, pulling a twenty-four hour day so the quarian could go to the hub and access that message. A yawn overcame her suddenly, the prospect of more tailing making her feel how tired she was. With three hours left on her current watch and no sleep for at least another eight after that she pulled a small vial of red liquid from her pocket, unscrewing the cap and shooting it down her throat. In minutes she felt its effects, and the room around her became more vibrant, more alive, along with the tingling of her senses.

After seeing her employee back to the ship she ran to the nearest convenience store to pick up more stims, hoping she wouldn't miss her next mark on their way out. As she ran she spoke into her mic, wanting to catch Garrus between suspects.

"Got anything else for me?"

"Perrault left as soon as she was done. Went to a cafe. She was more relaxed after the comm. hub," he replied.

"Alright. We're not in the clear yet. Stick with your remaining assignments and we'll reconvene at the hotel, same conference room, when the seventy-two is up."

"Roger that."

After paying for her stims she booked it back to the docking bay, breathing heavily as she leaned against a stack of crates to catch her breath, waiting for her next potential suspect to leave the ship.

Eight hours to go and another day left.

* * *

><p>The light in the loft was low, making for a comfortable dusk-like setting as Joker waited for Shepard to return to the ship. He had made use of her shower before settling down at her desk to look over alternating feeds of the security monitors. An hour after she was due back he tried without success to contact her with a text message. Thirty minutes later he tried again. Two more hours of fruitless attempts passed by, and still no one had returned to the ship for the off-shift. The concern that had taken root in Joker's mind had become almost panic inducing as he considered the possibility that Shepard had been following the mole and gotten into trouble. He was about to start contacting the others on the team when Tali returned to the ship, the image of her entering the airlock on the camera feed.<p>

Joker hurried himself to the elevator quickly enough to greet her as she approached on the command deck, and he had to force himself to smooth his features enough so she wouldn't see just how worried he was.

"You're back early," he said as casually as he could.

"Something came up."

"Everything alright?"

Tali nodded in response.

"Thought you'd be keeping your friend company longer."

"I had to run an errand," she responded carefully. "Shepard offered to show him around the wards for me."

"Ah." Joker knew that must mean they had found something, and his worry doubled. "I thought she was running late."

"I expect she'll be back in a few hours," Tali offered as she stepped out onto the crew deck.

Joker nodded and said goodnight to her, then returned to the loft to keep watch on the security feeds and watch the minutes tick by far too slowly.

* * *

><p>When Shepard finally returned to the ship she felt dead on her feet, removing her visor and jacket as she entered her cabin. Her last mark had given her nothing, but Miranda and Garrus had seen more comm. hub activity. Tali was sent out not long after she had returned to the ship, and the next day would wrap up their operation and, hopefully, give them some answers. Shepard yawned loudly, placing her jacket on a hook by the bathroom door as she thought of the following day and what it might bring, and was greeted by the sight of Joker, hunched over and asleep at her desk.<p>

"Hey," she said, approaching to put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently to rouse him. "Hey, I'm back."

A half-hearted grunt was his response.

"Come to bed," she coaxed.

Joker's forehead wrinkled as one eye cracked open. "Hey," he said groggily, sitting up and pressing a palm into the side of his face. "Tried to wait up for you."

She bent down to kiss his temple, and trailed her hand across his shoulders as she walked away. "Let's go to bed."

He caught her hand, rising from his seat and pulling her into an embrace, followed by a chaste kiss. "Be right there."

He stepped into the restroom, and Shepard, stripping down as she made her way to the bed, yawned heavily, almost dragging her feet with each step. Before Joker could join her she was fast asleep, falling quickly and deeply into a heavy slumber.

* * *

><p>The final day of tracking turned up two more people using comm. hubs. During the final shift Joker sat in the conference room with Miranda as she went though the correspondence Tali was sending her, sifting through messages to friends and family, muttering as she read into them to check for codewords and hidden meanings.<p>

He watched as she gave a few more taps at her omnitool and bristled. "Shit," she whispered, glancing at Joker with wide eyes.

"What?" Joker asked from the opposite end of the table. The way she looked at him sent the hairs on the back of his neck straight up and an icy shiver down his spine. "What is it?"

Miranda rose and walked to him, leaning over with an outstretched arm so he could read what had cracked the exterior of the icy biotic.

* * *

><p><em>Subject: Operational Report<em>

_From: CCO Gestas_

_Lazarus ordered SR2 to Feros for reasons unknown. _

_Crew given limited liberty upon return to Citadel._

_Next communication pickup unknown._

_CCO Gestas readily awaits orders to initiate retrieval protocol for return to the Marina._

_Please direct._

_-Gestas_

* * *

><p>Joker read it twice before saying anything. "What the hell do they mean by <em>retrieval protocol<em>?"

"With the way Perrault was previously concerned about EDI, I'm thinking it could mean activating a hidden emergency measure already aboard the ship, perhaps a program hidden in EDI's inaccessible files."

"But I unshackled EDI; shouldn't there be access to everything?"

Miranda shook her head, collapsing her omnitool visual. "That only means EDI has full access to the ship - it is still bound by programming protocols; that would include the continuance of restriction to hidden files - files EDI might not even be aware of."

"Hidden files," he murmured, drumming his fingers against the table as he thought. "Assuming your firewalls hold, this retrieval protocol can't be activated remotely. That could explain Perrault being here."

"Stands to reason."

"Then we nab Perrault. She won't be able to activate shit."

"If there is a team already here and she disappears they could still act independently," Miranda said. "Or if she's acting solo a team could be sent in whether they hear back from her or not after receiving this last message."

"So what do we do?" Joker sighed. "We need more intel then, right?"

"Right," Miranda agreed.

"Come again?"

"I said right," she repeated.

"Who's right?" Joker tried to cover the amused smile at the corner of his mouth by crossing his arms and holding his chin in one hand but she caught it, sighing and shaking her head in annoyance.

"You know, since we're playing on the same team, you might consider not attempting to aggravate me at every turn."

"Why play at being pals when this is so much more entertaining?" he stated more than asked.

"Because Shepard doesn't need our bickering, and frankly, neither do I."

"Since when you you care about what's good for Shepard?"

"She's been my concern since the day her body was brought to me. That didn't lessen as I got to know her."

"You 'got to know her'?" Joker snorted. "Right."

"You're not the only person she talks to," Miranda said, crossing her arms and sinking into a hip. "She has helped me without expecting anything in return, and now _I_ can help _her_. She may never trust me as much as she does Garrus or Tali, or even you, but I trust her and I happen to care about what happens to her. And if you don't believe that it doesn't matter anyway, because it has nothing to do with you." The last sentence was said with a swish of her hair as she turned away, waving her hand in the air as if to brush him off.

As she settled herself back into her seat at the far end of the table, arms crossed, looking off to the side, Joker sighed, conceding by not egging her on further but too egotistical to admit that the impassioned little speech she had just given him was both convincing and redeeming despite her less than likable demeanor.

"Are you sure about any of this?" he asked finally.

Miranda regarded him for a moment, then took a breath and looked blankly into the air in front of her. "The Lazarus Cell took a great deal of investing to fund, and the Illusive Man takes his investments very seriously." She was all seriousness herself when her eyes focused on him again. "If there _is_ a return protocol in EDI's programming, and he is able to get past my firewalls, he could initiate it remotely, and we will all be hostage to Cerberus. He might spare me, simply for the fact that I know everything there is to know about Shepard and her reconstruction, but it's likely the rest of the crew will be killed. Shepard is the only one of us who isn't expendable."

"Don't I know it," Joker muttered.

"As for how sure I am," Miranda continued. "There's only one way to be certain."

* * *

><p>"Where was the SR2 constructed?" Shepard asked.<p>

"The Voyager Cluster," Miranda answered. "That might be the Marina Perrault referenced. It's fitting enough."

After going through the last of the crew correspondence and finding nothing of importance, the team surrounded the table, talking amongst themselves about what possibilities a retrieval protocol would include and how best to address this newly gained information.

Shepard leaned back in her seat, dragging her fingertips across the tabletop as she thought. "We need to know more about EDI, this ship, and this retrieval protocol - this potential program."

"Agreed," Miranda nodded.

"You got a plan in mind, Shepard?" Garrus asked.

"We head to Voyager," she answered. "Find this ship yard and go in covertly. I'll head a three man squad - Garrus, Tali, and myself, and I need you," she pointed to Miranda, "on the Normandy to monitor crew activity while we're on site. If you trust him completely then get Jacob onto the ward before we leave to inform him of everything we know; he can back you up if the ship comes under threat from within. Joker," she said, looking at him in a manner that was one hundred percent Commander Shepard, "you need to stand ready at the helm watching the Normandy's system activity; if they call in reinforcements you engage with the intent to disarm and immobilize the target immediately. You said you trust Jax, so I'm trusting your judgment - tell her what the situation is. Have her watch for local ship movement. If you engage an enemy during this op have her notify me asap and get Hawthorne who should be Johnny-on-the-spot ready to dock the Kodiak to get us the hell out of there while you focus on bringing down anyone who tries to interfere."

'Aye, aye," he nodded.

"What about Perrault?" Tali asked.

"Let her be, but Miranda, you keep tabs on her. If she starts anything, tie her ass up and I'll deal with her later."

"Understood."

Shepard sized up the people before her. It wouldn't be the first time she had done much with little, as her career was defined by moments filled with odds stacked against her. It would be the second enemy that was coming for her specifically. The first time she had died. This time, she would see that fate come upon them. Every last person at the station who threatened her would see their end, delivered by her, personally.

* * *

><p>As the Normandy sped towards the Voyager Cluster under Jax's control, Shepard, Joker, and the rest of the team tried to rest in preparation for the mission to come in the following days. Feros had been an unknown, and Joker had seen Shepard's nerves getting the best of her. This mission, though stealthy, would almost certainly bring resistance, and Joker found himself watching Shepard for signs of distress. She wasn't quiet this time, as she had been after Feros. Now she seemed amped up, nervously excited as she paced back and forth in the middle of her bedroom while Joker finished brushing his teeth.<p>

Not wanting to get shitfaced during a time when she needed his support, Joker internalized his own anxiety, letting stew in his mind all the worries that plagued him concerning not only Shepard's mortality but her potentially delivering herself right to Cerberus' front door.

She stopped pacing when the bathroom door opened and gave Joker a smile that he didn't buy as genuine for a second. The command she had shown in the conference room the day before was nowhere to be seen in the privacy of her quarters. To Joker's eyes she looked scared, and that in turn scared him.

As they settled into bed, Joker held her closely, lacing the fingers of his arm around her torso with hers, spooning his body against her back.

"Goodnight," he whispered into her hair. "You bad ass motherfucker, you."

She let out a small laugh and squeezed his hand gently, letting out a sigh that sounded almost relieved. "Goodnight," she said, a smile in her voice.

When her breathing eventually evened out into that of sleep, Joker let his worries run rampant in his mind. Every awful scenario he could think of entered his thoughts, and by the time he had reviewed each one three times over his body felt drained, leaving him raw, aching, and mentally exhausted. When sleep finally overtook him it was anything but restful, as each scene playing before his closed eyes repeated his earlier thoughts in vivid imagery, assaulting his defenseless subconscious. He cried out as Shepard's lifeless body crumpled into his arms in a bloody heap for the umpteenth time, and he woke hearing the end of his cry, cutting it short as Shepard jolted upright in bed next to him, wide eyed.

"Are you okay?" she asked, placing a hand on his thigh as he sat himself up to lean against the headboard.

He took a deep breath and blew it out, rubbing a hand over his face. "Fuck," he sighed, shaking his head. "I'm fine," he said, placing his hand over hers.

"Bad dream?"

"Yeah," he whispered as he gazed down at the sheet covering them.

Shepard hesitated just a moment before speaking again. "About me?"

"Yeah," he replied hoarsely.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"It might help. It doesn't have to be me. You could talk about it to someone else if you want."

"I just want to be left alone," he said quietly.

"But don't you want it to stop?"

"Of course. I don't enjoy dreaming about you dying. It doesn't exactly make for a good nights rest."

"So why don't you do something about it?" she asked.

Joker let out an exasperated sigh, shaking his head, feeling irritation trickling into his system but knowing everything she was saying came from a place of caring. "What do you want from me?"

"I want you to get help," she said delicately. "When I first saw you you looked…" She paused, pursing her lips as she searched for words. "You looked like you'd been put through the wringer."

He hunched his shoulders self consciously, knowing he didn't look much better now. "Yeah, well being responsible for your only friend's death will do that a person," he said bitterly.

Shepard turned her hand into his, gripping it and leaning over, trying to catch his eye. "You need to get past this. You said it yourself - you can't live like this."

"And I said myself there is no quick fix."

"Those evals you had were shit, I know. You need to get _better_ help," she insisted. "We can find someone on the Citadel."

Joker looked at her and a frown formed on his brow. "You want me to leave?"

"I want you to be okay. Whether that happens on or off ship doesn't matter. And of course I want you here, but once we're done with Voyager we'll have a little time to address things. We'll be docked at the Citadel for at least a few days, so just think about it, okay?"

"Ugh," he sighed. "I don't know."

Her hand left his and rose to his cheek, pulling him towards her for a kiss to which he found himself responding to, grateful for the distraction.

"Just think about it," she repeated between kisses.

Joker didn't want to think about it. Not at that moment, anyhow. What he wanted to think about was how good it felt to have Shepard near when he woke from the awful things his mind showed him, even if she talked too much about it instead of just telling him it was alright because she was here now, but he soon found that her kisses were better than empty consoling words and he eagerly sought out the feel of her body, finding much more comfort in touching than talking.

"Please think about it," she said, moving to kneel at his side and fold an arm around his neck to rest on the headboard behind him, the other rubbing the skin of his body from his neck to his chest to his abdomen to the growing tent of the bed sheet over his groin as her tongue teased his. "For me."

"I'll think about it," he agreed, not committing to anything.

The words were heard but his focus was on her hands on him and his hands on her and the delightful feelings they brought. Her skin was smooth against his palms as he slid them up her back, under her tank top and around the front to run his thumbs over her nipples. A little whimper from her and he pulled the flimsy piece of cloth over her head, grabbing her by the waist to pull her closer to his mouth where he tasted the smooth, delicate skin of her breasts, flicking his tongue across a nipple before enclosing it in his lips. As he kissed her chest, working from one breast to the other, his hands smoothed their way down her back, slipping into her panties, pushing them down before moving one hand to the front of her body to run his fingers along the ready wetness of her womanhood. A finger dipped inside of her elicited a moan, and the thin sheet covering him began to dampen at its apex with his own arousal.

Shepard reached for the sheet to pull it away, tugging at the waistband of his briefs as he held himself up with his free arm, allowing her to slide his clothing away, freeing him from the restrictive garment. Her hand, warm on his skin, teased and further aroused him, his member stiffening with each pass of her thumb over the ridge of his head.

Joker pulled her in to kiss her again, keeping his fingers moving in steady circles over her own aroused center of pleasure, his free hand clasped to her neck. Shepard's moans grew, and she pressed her face against his, breathing hotly in his ear.

"Is this really happening?" she panted.

"God, yes," he groaned. "I want you."

Shepard pulled back, biting her lip as she searched his eyes.

"I want you more than I've wanted anything in my life," he told her.

And it was true, not just physically, in that moment, but on a deep, soul encompassing level, he wanted her. If flying was freeing, being with Shepard was captivating, and he decided that being chained to her was better than any feeling he ever experienced once he gained his wings. Made to make a choice he would gladly rip them out for her and be forever grounded at her side.

Shepard smiled and brought a hand to his face, stroking her thumb across his cheek and leaning in to kiss him. She then sat and rolled away to the edge of her side of the mattress, opening the top drawer of her nightstand and rummaging through it before sitting back up again.

"Expecting this, were you?" he asked, borrowing the words she had used with him from a time that seemed so long ago as she tore open the condom wrapper.

She bit her lip and smiled almost shyly, handing the package to him as she slipped off her underwear. "I don't think I would have ever expected this."

He wouldn't have either. Not back on the SR1 when he still gave a shit about the Alliance and had a decent respect for the multitude of rules and regulations that would have kept them apart had everything not played out the way it had.

Shepard placed her hands on Joker's shoulders and raised a leg to straddle him.

"Easy," he said, grasping her waist to keep her from moving. "I don't know if my legs can take the weight that way."

"I'll be careful."

"It's just, standing on them myself is one thing, but if you lean back across them... I don't know. Broken bones hurt."

"Do you trust me?" she asked gently.

Joker looked up into her eyes. The contacts were out, and her irises glowed faintly as she gazed into him. "With my life."

With that he pulled her slowly down onto him. Her eyes flared ever so slightly, and she let out a soft moan, gripping his shoulders as she settled, then placing a hand on his chest as she began to rise and fall over him.

"And your heart?" she inquired.

"It's yours."

"Jeff," she sighed, tightening her arm around the back of his neck and pressing her forehead to his.

Joker's fingertips pressed into the pliant flesh of her hips, guiding her as she rocked over him, her eyes falling closed as she found a comfortable rhythm. Their lips met, parting quickly for a deep, lingering kiss filled with affection and desire.

Shepard pulled away to gaze into his eyes, lifting her hand from his chest to stroke his face. With every gentle roll her of hips against him, every soft caress of her cheek on his, and every tender kiss she placed on his lips Joker knew that she was giving herself to him fully. Any hint of remaining doubt dissipated leaving only the steady beating of their hearts pulsing through their own bodies and into each other's.

They made love slowly into the night, finally falling asleep wrapped up in the comfort of each others arms. When they woke they showered, exploring each other further with hands and mouths, afterward laying naked in bed together, whispering quietly to one another in the dim light of the room. Joker told her of his time spent on Arcturus during her two year absence, answering her questions without hesitance, and Shepard told him how it felt to suffocate to death and be brought back to life only to find out two years had gone by in the blink of an eye before they came back together to make love again.

The following day would see them at their destination. With this in mind, they lavished affection on each other. Taking their meals in the loft, barely speaking to anyone else, for anyone who knew what was to come already knew all they needed to. No one could tell what events the future would bring, but for now, they had each other, and in the moments when they realized it, nothing else mattered.

* * *

><p><strong>Hope ya'll enjoyed.<strong>

**:]**


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